


Masters of Sorrows

by happilyappled



Category: Bandom, My Chemical Romance
Genre: Angst, Developing Relationship, Established Relationship, M/M, Past Relationship(s), Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-23
Updated: 2014-07-23
Packaged: 2018-02-07 20:45:07
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 53,798
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1913223
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/happilyappled/pseuds/happilyappled
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Gerard thinks he knows everything about Frank, and Frank thinks he knows everything about himself. What happens when Adam comes into his life, though? Who knows who he will end up with? Watch Gerard and Frank's lives unfold before your very eyes and seek out for their (un)surprising ending.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Masters of Sorrows

**Author's Note:**

  * For [fierda](https://archiveofourown.org/users/fierda/gifts), [OwlHooots](https://archiveofourown.org/users/OwlHooots/gifts).



> Dedicated to Holly and Janice, my all-the-time, amazing, and inspiring friends and betas.
> 
> For Bandom Big Bang 2014, Wave One. **Inspired Works:** [Mix by rebelwithallama](http://happilyappled.dreamwidth.org/6928.html).

This Halloween, Gerard is celebrating ten years of his relationship with Frank. They were friends back in their hometown and eventually started a band together, having remained friends even after the band broke up five years later. These numbers don’t mean much to Gerard, because what matters is that they’ve stayed together and have been faithful to each other all this time. Gerard is at this party only because it’s Frank’s birthday and, of course, he loves seeing everybody in costume.

This year, they didn’t exactly go all out with their own costumes. They chose clean, black tuxedos over a white button down shirt each and matched it up with a black tie. Gerard and Frank left the house already in character as the Men in Black, sporting dark sunglasses and stoic expressions. With a fake alien head on his left hand, Gerard entered the club with Frank, pausing dramatically at the door, making quite an entrance as they pretended to survey the club studiously for rogue aliens. Well, until Mikey, Gerard’s younger brother started laughing at them and ruined the mood. Still, Gerard saw Frank grinning back, so he let it go easily.

They’re at Frank’s club, the one he has opened in a partnership with a business man who, as soon as it started going well, decided to quit and start a new project somewhere else with someone new. All their friends are here, and Gerard’s family, and Frank’s mother; they don’t really talk about Frank’s father because he left years ago and only calls on New Year’s Eves.

Gerard sees Frank behind the counter, serving something to an awkward headless horseman, or whatever that is. He decides to approach. It’s late and there’s hardly anybody left in the club, which means that they can go home now. Frank is the boss and, with it being his birthday, he doesn’t have to stay around and close up; his employees will be able to do that just fine.

“Hey, Fraaank,” Gerard singsongs with a smile. Frank grins back and picks up two clean shot glasses, filling them with their favorite vintage tequila, then brings a dessert plate with two slices of lemon to the counter.

“Bottoms up,” Frank says, loudly enough to be heard over the loud music. Gerard nods and they both drink, then suck the lemon slices into their mouths for a couple of seconds.

Usually, by this time, Gerard would lean in and say that he’s got Frank’s birthday gift waiting for him at home. Years ago, this line convinced Frank to come home with Gerard for the first time. It’s been his trademark line to end their Halloween night ever since. This year, however, Frank leans over the counter, pulling Gerard closer by his collar to whisper in his ear, “I can see you have my birthday gift down in your pants. It’s fucking gorgeous. I think it’s time to take you home.”

Gerard opens his mouth and gasps in mock offense, saying, “That’s my line every Halloween! Even though it was obvious, you didn’t have to ruin it for me, right?” Then, he laughs wholeheartedly. It’s been the same thing every year, Gerard making a move on Frank and taking him home, but Gerard doesn’t really mind that this time things go a little differently. They’re still going home, anyway.

\--

Gerard wakes up in the middle of the night. He groans in displeasure, not understanding what’s going on; he usually sleeps the whole night through. Without even opening his eyes, Gerard just listens to what’s happening and realizes that Frank is sliding into bed. He smiles, remembering their night. He reviews the images of Frank trembling beneath him, hands fisted around the pillow and thighs shaking around Gerard’s hips. He wants that all over again; the sensations, the moans, and the sweat.

Gerard opens his eyes.

First, he waits for Frank to settle down. His body is cold and makes Gerard shiver a little at the feeling, but he doesn’t pull away. He just forces his sleepy throat to function and says, “You’re cold. Where did you go?”

“Only to the bathroom,” Frank replies, moving around a bit as he tries to make himself comfortable. Gerard adjusts his arm so that he can wrap it around Frank’s middle, his hand flat against Frank’s cold skin. Frank hums in contentment. “Hmmm, you’re warm. I can’t believe I got out of bed.”

“Especially in the middle of the night. You hate getting up in the middle of the night. And you’re so cold, you must have been gone for a long time,” Gerard adds, sliding his hand across Frank’s skin, up to his chest and down to his thigh. He knows he sounds like he’s whining. Hopefully, Frank won’t mock him about that. Gerard wraps himself better around Frank’s body, his chest moving against Frank’s back and his knees fitting precisely behind Frank’s.

“I just reeeally had to go, yeah.”

Gerard doesn’t really hear him, honestly. This difference in their body temperatures is making him feel sensations he doesn’t think are proper for the time. He checks the clock on Frank’s nightstand and reads that it’s past four a.m.. Even so, he slides one leg in between Frank’s knees, trying to indulge his boyfriend into something sexy, but Frank doesn’t budge.

“Can we just go back to sleep?” he asks, in a tiny voice. It’s like he’s afraid of something.

Gerard isn’t going to give Frank a hard time because he doesn’t want to have sex right now, though. It is in fact pretty late and Gerard understands. He leaves Frank alone, pulling his leg back and placing a small kiss in Frank’s hair. He nuzzles his nose behind Frank’s ear and whispers, “Of course we can.”

**

“What?” Gerard whines. “You never work on Sundays.”

Usually they spend every Sunday night at home, sitting on the couch in their pajamas, watching horror movies and eating something highly caloric. Some nights it’s popcorn, others it’s ice cream; it varies depending on their mood and the contents of their pantry, but the most important thing is that they spend it together at home. Gerard loves their home.

They moved into this house three years ago, having decided that it was too stupid to live in opposite parts of town since they spent most of the time at each other’s place anyway. They chose to leave their apartments downtown and purchased a house in between the city and their childhood homes so they could be closer to Frank’s club, but also still remain in respectable proximity to their families.

Frank owns a club and works there every night, except Sundays, so Gerard doesn’t think twice about questioning Frank about tonight. “What do I have to do to make you stay at home? C’mon, Frank, we always have so much fun in here, just hanging out and watching the worst movies ever made.”

Frank smiles at him sweetly, but says, “Gerard, I have to go,” turning around to put his jacket on.

“But why?” Gerard whines again, then he thinks of something that might work. “I convinced Mikey to get us that bunny-whore-whatever movie you’ve been talking about for weeks. It hasn’t even been put out for sale, you know. I’m so excited to see this one with you!”

Frank looks at him sideways. He’s all ready to go out, jeans, shirt and jacket on, his working boots on his feet, hands patting and feeling his pockets to make sure he doesn’t forget anything. Gerard knows how Frank gets ready for work, but hopes Frank decides to stay instead. It is their night after all and Frank is always very passionate about movies he’s been wanting to see for over three weeks, so Gerard doesn’t understand why Frank isn’t showing any interest in seeing this movie with him.

“What’s the bunny whore whatever movie, Gerard?” Frank asks, then giggles, mocking Gerard’s terrible phrasing. Gerard rolls his eyes because Frank knows he’s only good with movie titles after he has actually watched the movies.

Frank rolls his eyes next and says, “We’ve already talked about this. I have to cover for the rest of the team when they take time off. I don’t understand why you’re acting like this tonight. Anyway, I really have to go.”

Gerard sighs, defeated. He knows Frank loves this club with his whole heart, and that Frank has dedicated a lot of himself to it since the very beginning, so he lets it go. He knows Frank has to go to work and, no matter how upset Gerard is about this, Frank will not stay at home. Gerard sighs again, making Frank smile gently and turn to him.

“I have to go, Gerard, I’m sorry. I can’t stay at home when I’m one man down at the club, you know that. And besides, there will be more Sunday nights. And I will always be yours, every other night,” Frank says, sounding like he means to comfort Gerard.

Gerard only nods, faking a childish pout. “Fine. Go to work, see if I care.”

“Look at you, pouting at me like you’re five years old. You’re so goddamn _rotten_ , fuck you.” Frank laughs, then slides his arms around Gerard’s neck to peck Gerard’s lips.

\--

If Frank has to work on Sunday nights, Gerard goes out on Sunday nights.

It’s the third week in a row that Gerard comes to Frank’s club. He thinks Frank is working for the last Sunday night, so he’s excited about this. However, when he approaches the counter, he finds every worker there except Frank. Before Gerard has time to ask about where Frank is, Erin, one of the bartenders, asks Gerard if he wants something to drink. He knows she’s famous for her cocktails, so he tells her to surprise him and watches her as she grins gamely at him, before she begins to work her magic - tossing, flipping and spinning five different bottles as she expertly combines their contents into the cocktail shaker.

When Erin finally pours the drink into a tall glass, Gerard watches as the liquid silently fills it. It’s blue-ish and kind of shines under the club lights, and the surface sways with the vibrations from the background music. Gerard slides some money across the counter, knowing that it’s more than enough to pay for the cocktail.

The music is loud and the cocktail is sour and burns his tongue, but Gerard still hasn’t seen Frank around, so he motions Erin closer again and asks her, “Where’s Frank?”

“He’s in the back!” she replies. Then, she looks around and Gerard follows her gaze, finding more customers at the counter and every other worker serving drinks. He lets her go, deciding not to ask any more questions about Frank’s whereabouts. Gerard can wait for him.

The club isn’t exactly large, but it’s nice enough. Gerard looks briefly at the people on the open area that serves as a dancing floor, before he goes up the small set of stairs on the left. On the improvised first floor of the club, there are tables, surrounded by a built-in sofa along the walls and one-person beanbags for those who prefer to relax and have a chat with their friends. Gerard chooses a seat from where he can watch the bar downstairs and see when Frank gets back.

Gerard finishes the cocktail and leans back on the sofa, still waiting. He doesn’t take his eyes off the counter, observing every worker to see if any of them is Frank, but he’s not out yet. Gerard doesn’t see him for a really long time, but finally he identifies Frank talking to one of the bartenders, laughing at whatever they’re saying and rolling up both sleeves of his shirt. The design of Frank’s tattoo sleeves stands out under the club’s lights. Gerard gets up to go greet him, but suddenly sees Erin whispering something in Frank’s ear.

Frank looks up and finds Gerard quickly. He is standing up and directly in their line of sight, which makes him easier to be spotted. Frank smiles awkwardly and Gerard smiles back, but wonders why Frank looks like this. That is his nervous smile and that can’t be good. Gerard knows him well enough to assess that. What could be making Frank nervous? Could it be Gerard’s presence?

It’s not like Gerard never comes to the club, or like it’s a bad thing that he decides to come on what used to be the only free night they had together every week. It’s true that, for the past two Sundays, Gerard left the house with Frank and stayed at the club for a while, but tonight he had honestly thought about staying at home. He watched Frank leave, but two hours later he was bored, not feeling like watching television by himself and not wanting to go to bed just yet. He decided to come to the club again.

Gerard takes a few steps towards the stairs, but sees Frank moving too. He leaves the area behind the counter through the ‘Employees Only’ door on the right side and walks towards the stairs, climbing them up. He’s not smiling anymore. Frank approaches Gerard, asking, “What are you doing here?”

“What do you mean?” Gerard asks, sitting back down on the sofa. He’s slightly taken aback by the hostility in Frank’s tone, and the way Frank is looking at him like Gerard caught him doing something he’s not supposed to see. Gerard recognizes that caught in the headlights look from when Frank is wrapping up birthday or Christmas gifts, or from when Frank is cooking something new for dinner. Yet this time he seems worried that Gerard caught him. “Is everything alright?”

“Why did you come here?” Frank stands there for a few seconds, fists tightening a little at his sides, but then he sits next to Gerard, who blinks at him. Gerard doesn’t really understand what Frank means with this question. “You’ve come here three Sunday nights in a row. Are you checking up on me?”

“Seriously, Frank, you can’t possibly think I’d do that,” Gerard defends himself. He knows that he’s many things, but he’s definitely not a control freak. “I came here for the fun of it, I swear. I was super bored at home.”

Frank sighs, his shoulders losing some of the tension he might have been building up since he saw Gerard at the club. “I— I’m sorry.”

“I’m used to spending these nights with you, but since you have to work, I come here instead. I didn’t think it would make you think I’m controlling you. Anyway, you can go and do your job. I’ll just stay here listening to the music, don’t worry about my intentions. I was just bored.” Gerard smiles, meaning what he’s saying.

“Also, could you send someone with a beer? I’m paying tonight,” Gerard adds with a wider grin, getting his wallet from his pocket and pulling out a $10 bill.

“You’re not paying for anything. I honestly overreacted just now, so this one’s on the house,” Frank apologizes and leans in to kiss Gerard chastely, before he takes the money from Gerard’s hand and slides it under Gerard’s belt. “You can pay me back at home, kind sir.”

Frank gets up and winks, making Gerard laugh out loud. He is aware that Frank profits enough every night that he can afford to give Gerard the two or three beers he drinks when he comes here. He watches as Frank turns around and goes downstairs to work. Gerard is still chuckling.

A few minutes later, as Frank is uncapping a beer bottle and telling the bartender called Jim where Gerard is by pointing at him, Gerard begins to fall deep into thought. He doesn’t really understand how Frank could think he was here to control him. Gerard has never done it before, so why would he start doing that now? What could have caused Frank to come to that disturbing conclusion? Gerard wonders if Frank might have a guilty conscience, but then he immediately decides that he really shouldn’t think about that. Frank is an amazing person and he wouldn’t hide anything from him. Gerard swallows back the unease, and he forces himself to think of something else as he gratefully accepts the beer Jim has passed to him.

**

Gerard takes Frank aside to talk to him. They’re at Gerard’s childhood house for Thanksgiving. Each year, they alternate between their parents’ houses for this time of the year and Christmas, to make sure everyone has an opportunity to host a family dinner.

The conversation Gerard wants to have must be private. Gerard doesn’t want their families to know about the recent awkwardness of their relationship. Frank has been acting very strangely, being unstable and unpredictable; one day, he could be caring and affectionate with Gerard, but the next day Frank would complain that Gerard was being pushy. It is all very vivid in Gerard’s mind, and although he is perfectly aware that they’ve discussed this last night, he won’t be able to live with himself if he doesn’t fight one last time for this.

“You never worked this early on Thanksgiving, Frank,” he says harshly, knowing that he’s repeating himself. The exasperated look on Frank’s face tells him how much Frank does not want to hear this again and it’s very clear when Frank walks towards the front door. The way he just huffs in irritation and moves away quickly without any regard to Gerard’s words hurts Gerard deeply.

“Exactly. This is an exception. The delivery guys came in late this year, so we need to get things back together if we want to open tonight and have enough drinks for our customers, Gerard,” Frank retaliates. He has already explained this to Gerard, but he cannot understand why Frank has to do this when they’re supposed to have dinner with their families and say grace for that. Frank has also told Gerard how he has to go because he’s the boss and he needs to be in control of everything that comes in to the club, especially because he’s the one in charge of the log books and everything must be exact.

“You trust your workers, why can’t they do it themselves?” Gerard asks ruthlessly. He’s tired of being gentle with Frank about this. Last week, Frank was excited about Thanksgiving and seeing his family together again, but yesterday he came home and told Gerard that today he would have to start working at six p.m., instead of at ten. “C’mon, you can’t do this to us. It’s your family.”

“And this is my job. I’m their boss, but I can’t make them do all the work and have a nice holiday myself. They’re losing their family dinners as well. It wouldn’t be fair,” Frank fights back. “Everybody understood why I have to go except for _you!_ ”

“Maybe because they have no idea how you’ve been acting lately!” Gerard hisses in Frank’s face, realizing that he’s adding new facts to this fight. He hasn’t really confessed to Frank that he thinks Frank has been a little different over the past couple of weeks. And in fact, Frank shows him a confused look.

“C’mon, you have to admit. One day, things are just fine for us and you smile at me and talk to me, but a few days later or even the very next day, you get angry at every little thing. You’ve been unstable. I don’t even remember the last time we spent an entire evening together, or the last time you called me just to hang out. When was the last time you even called your own mother to ask her how she is?” Gerard knows very well he is raising his voice, but all he cares about is that Frank seems to be listening to him. At least, he looks quite uncomfortable at the moment. 

“This isn’t you!” Gerard finishes with a sigh, signaling the end of his small monologue.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about. I’ve been stressed out about work, and you keep fighting with me, pressuring me, and it’s not helping, alright?” Frank says, but doesn’t even wait for an answer. Gerard is still absorbing what Frank just said when he sees Frank putting on his coat and walking away.

“Don’t go, Frank, stay with us,” Gerard pleads once more, following him to the door.

Frank doesn’t turn around; he doesn’t even stop. He just opens the door and leaves. Gerard sighs and slumps his shoulders in disappointment. He can barely believe this just happened, let alone find the words to explain it to their family. The door is still open and he can see Frank going inside the car they rode in together, but before he shuts the door, Gerard calls for him. Frank looks up at him, so Gerard says, “Think about what you’ve been doing before you come back home.”

Gerard closes the door and turns around before Frank has any time to react. His mother is there, staring at Gerard with wide eyes, and he knows he will have to explain everything to her.

\--

Frank walks Adam home and pecks his lips softly. Adam smiles at him and turns around to slide the key into the keyhole of his front door. It’s late and Frank needs to go home, but Adam is beautiful and this dark red jacket over his dark grey shirt looks very sexy on him. Frank will never get tired of looking at him as there is something very attractive in the way his dark brown hair curls gently around his forehead and ears, about his olive green eyes always filled with hope, happiness and passion, about his angular face and pale complexion that compares to nothing Frank has ever seen. Not to mention that when Adam chooses these casual outfits, he looks so goddamn gorgeous that Frank doesn’t want to even bother trying to control himself.

When he pushes the door open, Frank pushes Adam up the step and inside, where he fists his hands around the lapels of his jacket, holding him in place. He kisses Adam like he has never kissed him in public. They leave the hot kisses to Adam’s studio apartment, where no one can see them and judge them, and where there’s no possibility of anyone recognizing Frank while he’s kissing someone a lot younger than him. He says he doesn’t care, but he can’t help being cautious.

This time, however, all thoughts of caution flee Frank. He kisses Adam with everything he has, the passion, the attraction and the definite pleasure he always gets from these kisses. He opens up his mouth and welcomes his tongue, swallowing Adam’s moans greedily. There are hands on his hips, squeezing, and Frank slides his across Adam’s shoulders and chest. Adam feels so soft and warm.

Pulling back to inhale deeply, Frank looks up at Adam and finds his delighted, slightly dazed grin. “Goddamn it, Frank,” he says, before leaning closer for another kiss. This time, Frank doesn’t extend it much. He makes out for a few seconds, but ends it soon. Still, Adam seems breathless.

“Fuck,” he curses, panting. “Do you wanna come up? We can just do this the whole night.”

“I’m not—” Frank starts, but he can’t be sure if he should be doing this. He just kissed Adam very passionately and now he’s about to break his heart by saying that he really can’t spend much longer with him. “I can’t stay, I’m sorry.”

“But I wanna say grace for you! C’mon, you can’t kiss me like that and just run away,” Adam exclaims, hopeful. His whole face is illuminated by the sexual tension that lingers in the air, having started with Frank’s kiss. Frank hates himself for having to go home now.

“I have to go,” he insists, taking a few steps back. He feels the door on his back and soon someone pushes it against him. Someone’s walking in. He waits for the man he doesn’t know to come in and wait for the elevator. When the doors slide closed with a ding, he turns to Adam again. He tries to look as caring as possible, although he knows Adam will mostly focus on how Frank has to leave.

“You never stay. That’s not fair,” Adam complains, sadly. Frank keeps staring at him silently, trying to make him understand that he’s not comfortable with staying the night at Adam’s just yet. There’s the age difference and the whole past that still hurts Frank very deep in his heart, and even the present. He hates breaking Adam’s heart, and hopes Adam can forgive him for everything he’s been avoiding.

“I’ll call you tomorrow.” It’s the only thing Frank says before he turns around and leaves. The door closes behind him and he doesn’t even look back. He wouldn’t be able to endure the sadness he knows he would find in Adam’s eyes.

\--

Gerard is in the bedroom, sitting on the bed with his back against the headboard and his laptop on his lap. The white glow of the screen illuminates everything around him, being the only source of light in the room ever since he decided to try to write some more on the draft he’s supposed to send to his editor before Christmas. He has been staring blankly at it for hours, though.

It’s very late. Turning his head to look at the clock on the nightstand, he sees that it is three in the morning. He is very worried about Frank. He went to work before dinner and usually comes back less than an hour after closing time, which was two hours ago. Gerard can’t believe he’s taking so long, but wonders if he’s not coming back at all. The last thing Gerard said to him was pretty harsh, so he’s just sitting here hoping that Frank comes back home. Maybe Frank is just trying to avoid the conversation they started yesterday and continued at the Way household, but mostly Gerard is worried.

He shuts down the computer. He doesn’t want to try to work anymore, not even giving much thought to the fact that he is over fifteen thousand words behind in his schedule. He just can’t focus on this. He used to be so passionate about this new book, but all the fights he’s been having with Frank lately have been putting him off and killing his enthusiasm for this project. He hasn’t been able to find any inspiration to write. He is just putting the computer back in its case when he hears the front door. Frank is home.

Gerard waits patiently, busying himself with changing into his pajama bottoms and t-shirt. Frank comes in to the bedroom soon and Gerard can hear the big sigh he releases before closing the door. “You didn’t have to wait up.”

“I was—” Gerard starts to say, but dismisses the rest of his words with a hand gesture. He doesn’t want to admit to Frank that he was worried when they’re in the middle of a fight about Frank’s commitment to his job.

“You never work this late,” he says instead, turning around to face Frank. Frank, however, is turned to the walk-in closet to probably get ready for bed himself. None of that matters because Gerard will stand here waiting for Frank to talk to him.

“It’s a club,” Frank tells him, not turning to face him. His voice comes muffled afterwards, as he’s taking his clothes off and speaking. “What if it takes longer to clean up? It happens.”

“You didn’t answer my calls. You didn’t answer anyone’s calls. We tried to call you while we were saying grace, but your job is more important, isn’t it?” Gerard questions him accusingly. He’s trying to keep the reminiscence of their mothers’ faces at bay, the utter disappointment in their expressions and the uncomfortable silence throughout most of the meal. It was so strange sitting there and making small talk, because he clearly didn’t want to explain exactly what was going on.

He shakes his head at how unresponsive Frank is and then tells him: “You weren’t there to see your mother’s face, Frank. I’ll have to remember it all, though.”

“Gerard, please,” Frank breaks his silence, turning around to face Gerard, all dressed for bed in underwear and a sweatshirt. He strolls towards his side of the bed and says exasperatedly, “I don’t want to fight right now. I’m really tired.”

“Must have been some great sex, then,” Gerard murmurs to himself, not really knowing if Frank hears him or not. He doesn’t care either, slipping into bed in silence.

**

During the next two weeks, Gerard remains upset about Frank’s behavior. He’s been awkward, tense and quiet all the time. Not even their Sunday nights have been helpful, no matter how much Gerard tries to make Frank happy.

They go out for some Christmas shopping one day. They have a list of people they want to buy things for and there are a couple of names in Frank’s list that Gerard doesn’t recognize, but he doesn’t really want to think about it. He’s too upset and worried about Frank to question him about some names on a list. There are more important things they need to talk about and Gerard tries to bring these up while they’re out.

Frank remains unresponsive, though, only giving Gerard single-word answers that are barely useful. He doesn’t seem to want to talk about his feelings and that is definitely worth worrying over, since Frank has always opened up to Gerard. They’ve been best friends for a long time and their romantic relationship is based on that honest connection between them. They haven’t hidden secrets from each other in the past years. Gerard thinks so, at least, because he only noticed this difference in Frank’s behavior after the last summer.

Frank has a second job, at a record label, where he works in the A&R department and sometimes as a manager. Back in June, he was sent on an European tour with one of their newest bands. When Frank came back home, he was different. He was quieter and didn’t talk about the tour for a few weeks, until Gerard tried to press him about it and he exploded. Since then, Gerard has tried to be very careful around him. There are a few issues that will set Frank off, even now.

Maybe something happened on tour that perturbed him, but Gerard wishes Frank would talk to him instead of acting like this. He’s cold and angry, and it’s not Gerard’s fault that things are difficult at work. He wants to help, wants to make sure Frank knows Gerard is here for him, but nothing he ever does seems to be enough for Frank. Maybe there is something strange happening at work, maybe someone has been putting too much pressure on Frank’s shoulders and he just can’t take it anymore. Whatever the case, he should just talk to Gerard about it. They used to talk about everything.

Gerard doesn’t let go of those thoughts even after they go their separate ways. They do so in order to buy each other’s gifts, having gotten something for everyone else on their lists.

“See you at home?” Frank asks casually, turning to face Gerard.

His mind is running wild with thoughts, but Gerard tries to stay focused. Frank looks so pretty right now, with his black-dyed fluffy hair and shiny hazel eyes, acting so natural around Gerard. He has been a little quiet since they left the house, but it must be because of all the recent fights. Gerard is willing to let them pass for now. He just smiles and says, “Of course.”

There’s a short awkward moment between them. Frank is staring at him and Gerard doesn’t really know if he should touch Frank, or kiss him or hug him, or just turn around and leave. In fact, Frank’s hands seem to be shaking, which may be a sign that he’s feeling the same discomfort about this situation they’re in. Frank sighs, looking down at his feet, then says, “I know you’ve been trying to talk to me the whole afternoon, and I’m sorry I’ve been acting so cold. There’s a reason for this, obviously, and I want to explain everything to you, I honestly do. Do you think we could maybe — talk about this over dinner?”

“You wanna go out for dinner tonight, then?” Gerard asks gently, happy that Frank seems willing to explain why he’s been cold and absentminded lately.

“I’d rather have that conversation at home. I could cook your favorite veggie casserole, what do you say?” Frank asks, finally showing Gerard a smile. Gerard beams back and nods, agreeing. He loves when Frank spends time cooking their favorite dishes.

\--

“I’m going home for Christmas,” Adam says over the phone. Frank is standing in front of a gift shop, facing the shelves filled with gift cards. He’s trying to choose a couple of them, but mostly he’s listening to Adam. “I’ve got two weeks off from school, so I’m gonna spend them with my dad, at home. I haven’t been home since September; he might need me.”

“And when is that? When do you have to leave?” Frank wants to know, picking up a random Christmas card with reindeers gallivanting in the snow on the front.

“My classes end on the twentieth, so I bought plane tickets for that night. My dad will ask me a lot of questions if I spend an extra night here, since apparently I don’t have any reasons to stay here besides college,” Adam explains, in an obvious tone.

“Can I see you before you leave?”

“I wouldn’t go anywhere without telling you goodbye,” Adam says sweetly. He’s so young and gentle that Frank can’t help but smile at his words. “Are you free tomorrow?”

“Even if I’m not, I will always find the time to be with you,” Frank says, closing his eyes at his tone. He knows he’s being romantic, and knows that he might hurt Adam if he doesn’t follow up to his own words, but he can’t help himself. Adam is so special, so young and tender, that Frank wants to give him everything he wants.

“Then come see me tomorrow. Come see me every day until I leave,” Adam says dreamily. His voice is filled with feelings and want. “I doubt we’d run out of amazing things to do to each other.”

“I’m aware,” Frank admits, biting his lip and leaving the store empty-handed. He knows where Adam is trying to lead this conversation to, and while he isn’t one to be easily embarrassed, he doesn’t really want to talk about sex inside a family store. “I’ve got a few ideas to share with you for your early Christmas gift.”

“What kind of ideas?” Adam asks, while Frank walks towards an empty bench. The weather is a little damp and so is the bench, but he sits down anyway. He needs to be sitting down if he’s indulging in this conversation with Adam in the middle of a busy street.

“Well, I found the pair of handcuffs you tried to hide in a drawer the last time I was at your studio,” he says mysteriously, seeing if he can get a confession from Adam. Frank remembers looking into that same drawer afterwards, while Adam was on the phone with his father, and finding some very interesting toys still in their original packaging. “You can’t hide these things from me, Adam.”

There’s a significant pause as Adam seems conflicted, as though he wants to try to deny it but he knows it’s useless. 

“You’re gonna let me tie you up?” he asks finally.

“I’m gonna wrestle you and we’ll see who ends up tangled in the ropes,” Frank says suggestively. He can feel the slight catch in Adam’s breath at his words and smirks, playing with a loose thread on his jeans with his mind set out to imagine all the good things they might end up doing together.

“Can I see you tonight?”

\--

Frank can’t make it that night, but he goes to Adam’s studio apartment the next day. He just can’t believe he actually loses his fight with Adam. He was ready to play dirty, but Adam remembered his weakest spot on his left ribs and held him there, kissed him there, bit him there. While Frank threw his head back and moaned, Adam reached out for the handcuffs. Frank went down too easily.

Right now, he’s got one wrist handcuffed to a bedpost, the other tied up with a tie. He has his back turned to the wall, with his knees on the bed and his arms spread open. And he is blindfolded. Who knows what Adam is going to do to him now.

\--

Gerard’s hands move excitedly on the wrapping paper, preparing the large envelope where he wants to put his Christmas gift to Frank. He wonders why Frank had to go Christmas shopping again today, but maybe he couldn’t find what he was looking for yesterday or maybe he can’t really decide what he wants to buy.

Meanwhile, Gerard wraps up his two Christmas gifts, one to give to Frank after the family dinner, this year at Frank’s mother’s condo. The other is to be given to him when they come back home because it’s secret and very personal. He smiles at the two small packages and puts them on the shelf under the small Christmas tree, in the living room. He is very excited about Christmas, just like when he was a little kid waiting for Santa with a plate of peanut butter cookies and milk nearby.

When Frank gets home, Gerard is almost finished cooking dinner. They eat it while it’s hot. During the entire meal, they discuss a few things. First, Gerard admits why he feels like Frank hasn’t been himself. They could have had this conversation yesterday, after their Christmas shopping day, but Mikey invited them to go out with Pete and him, so Gerard didn’t mind postponing the talk.

Frank tells him that he’s been indifferent at home because there’s been a few complications at the label. He even apologizes. Gerard accepts it and pecks his lips. They haven’t touched in a few days, so it feels nice, even if it’s such a small gesture.

Later that night, after some phone calls for Frank and some writing for Gerard, they go to bed around the same time. Gerard feels pretty content because of that open conversation during dinner and goes to bed rather excited about that. His heart is beating fast and that rhythm increases when Frank lies down beside him. Frank’s body hasn’t felt so warm to him in a while.

Gerard confesses this to Frank. “This feels different today. I mean, for the past weeks, you’ve been so far away and unresponsive that it’s been awkward lying here next to you. I was afraid to touch you, to kiss you, but today I feel different. Thank you for talking to me about this.”

“Don’t make me feel even worse about it,” Frank says cringing, but his face opens up into a little smile. He turns to lie on his side, facing Gerard. The light from the bedside lamp behind his back throws his face into shadow, making him look enigmatic. “I’m glad we had an opportunity to discuss this and I hope things will change now. I honestly don’t want to be affected by work so deeply, but I can’t help it. I keep struggling with all the stress, all the worries going off in my mind, and that makes me insensitive. I recognize I have barely noticed your presence. It’s — I’m so sorry, Gerard.”

“It’s alright,” Gerard declares, meaning every single word. He understands that Frank is stressed out. “I just wish you left your work issues at work, because it’s not helping the mood at home. And you used to open up to me about everything, but you changed. And I wish you’d tell me what caused this.”

Frank looks up at him from under his eyelashes. His facial expression isn’t very clear, but he seems troubled and Gerard wonders if he’s hiding something. Gerard swallows, despite his throat being dry, hoping that Frank isn’t hiding anything serious.

“I don’t think it’s something in particular. I mean, the club is still a success and I think I can deal with that, but there’s a lot of pressure coming from the label, especially about these new bands that keep popping up and they want the exclusivity. The execs don’t understand that some bands aren’t proper for our label, though. We have a type of bands we sign in; it’s not just any band that a bunch of kids start after school. I have to try to show them that, but they won’t budge. They want everything and everyone that might be profitable, and that is not possible.”

Frank’s tone is harsh, but his words come out a little stuttered. Gerard wonders why, but doesn’t ask any questions. He just lets Frank talk about it, lets him open up at last, feeling happy that he’s finally not holding anything back, and is just telling Gerard about what’s worrying him. Gerard loves listening to him.

When Frank quiets down with a last apology, Gerard doesn’t say anything. He just leans in and kisses Frank, hard on the lips. He’s so proud of them for making it through a harsh time. He insists on kissing Frank hotly, wanting him because they’re back to an understanding relationship.

And honestly, Gerard misses Frank. He misses Frank’s body.

The kiss progresses nicely. Frank slides his tongue into Gerard’s mouth first, and lets Gerard turn him to lie on his back. Gerard tries to cover Frank’s body with his, inciting Frank into something else, but Frank breaks the kiss right away.

Gerard looks down at him and asks something he never thought he would have to ask. “You don’t want to have sex with me?”

“Not tonight, Gerard. I’m really not into this right now,” Frank replies, not looking at Gerard. He blinks and tries to study Frank’s reaction, but Frank pecks Gerard’s lips briefly.

Gerard doesn’t insist and settles down on his side of the bed, but he’s hurt. It’s one thing to be unable to touch Frank for weeks, but it’s an entirely different matter to be rejected. Gerard isn’t sure if he’s upset with Frank or with himself because he can’t turn Frank on.

**

Frank hosts a New Year’s Eve party at the club every year. Gerard and he invite their family and friends, and let them all invite their own friends, and it’s pretty much an open invitation to everyone. The result is a crowded club.

The night is animated, with all kinds of music crowing loudly from the speakers. There are people dancing downstairs, others are drinking and chatting, sitting on the sofas and beanbags upstairs. Gerard is standing by the bar, though. He’s talking to Mikey and Pete, Mikey’s long-term friend and crush, but he feels terribly uncomfortable. He just wants to go home.

Around eleven p.m., a band that Frank has been managing for at least two years is set to play live. The crowd settles in to listen to them, as they play on an improvised stage in the middle of the dancing floor. Mikey and Pete move with the crowd, closer to the stage, but Gerard stays behind. He’s not in the mood to celebrate the New Year. The old one is ending really badly for him, with his book not progressing as he had planned with his editor, and with Frank barely speaking to him and claiming that he’s too stressed about work to actually live with someone at the moment.

Gerard can’t understand that. Frank used to be able to juggle everything very well, his job at the record label, owning a club and being in a relationship with Gerard. He doesn’t know what happened to cause this conflict in Frank’s life and hopes he’s not the cause of it. He doesn’t want to lose Frank now, especially not after ten amazing years, and everything they have come through thus far.

Frank is working tonight, helping out his staff with the huge amount of drinking costumers. Gerard has been watching him since they got here, feeling worried. Frank has been distracted even before they left the house, only responding to Gerard if he repeated his question a second time.

Gerard keeps thinking about Christmas and how awful it was. They went to Frank’s mother’s condo for dinner and their entire family was there. They were supposed to have a happy dinner and the meal wasn’t so bad, with everyone helping around. The worst part came after they went home.

Frank went into one of his moods, and Gerard left him alone, wanting to give him some personal space and thus not saying a single word as they drove home in silence. When they reached home, Frank got ready for bed, without exchanging a single word with Gerard. He lay down and didn’t even let Gerard give him the mix CD he’d put together for Frank, nor did he let Gerard tell him about the song he had written. Gerard had worked on it with an open heart, ready to forgive Frank for the distant attitude, but Frank didn’t even care.

“Please, Frank, let me show you this,” he insisted with Frank, kneeling on the floor and staring into Frank’s eyes. Frank closed them quickly, though, brushing Gerard off and claiming that he was tired. Gerard didn’t know what to do. He stayed in that position for a while, listening to Frank breathe and hoping he would have enough heart to speak again, but nothing happened.

Gerard ended up sitting in the living room, watching infomercials with an empty mind and a broken heart. He smoked half a pack of cigarettes with shaky hands, all out of ideas about what he could do to get Frank’s attention again. He kept thinking about the past.

Even tonight, as the show starts, Gerard is lost in thought. He thinks back to when their relationship was beautiful and when they still trusted each other with everything. He remembers when they went out for dinner for no reason at all, when they used to go to that old ice cream parlor that was open overnight or when they took long walks in the park, just holding each other and laughing over silly little things.

He looks back to when they had dreams together. There was the band they were in that eventually broke up, but they helped each other through it. There was Gerard’s first published book, Frank coming home that day with two copies and a grin on his face. There was even a time when they talked about adopting a kid, but Gerard is glad that hasn’t actually borne fruit.

If there’s something that hurts Gerard, though, it’s how Frank seems to have forgotten all of that. He’s focused only on work and nothing else. Gerard seems to have faded into the background, and is no longer important to Frank.

Gerard retreats to the restroom when his emotions start taking over. He has to stop feeling like this. He can overcome this. He’s stronger than this; their relationship is stronger than this.

Later, Gerard goes back into the club. Frank is behind the counter and Gerard notices that he has the same uneasy expression on his face. That worries and saddens Gerard even more, but he swallows down his emotions. He just had a serious talk with himself in front of the mirror and he’s ready to fight. He will start by getting a smile out of Frank. Hopefully, showing how much he cares and is concerned for Frank will be enough. He asks, “Hey, Frank, are you alright? Come here, it’s almost midnight.”

Gerard looks into his eyes for a moment; they’re dark tonight, just the way Frank gets when he’s nervous. Gerard cradles Frank’s face in one hand, staring at him intently and begging for a reaction. “I love you.”

Frank just stays there until the band finishes the current song, but then Gerard can’t handle this pressure anymore and lowers his hands to the counter. He looks down at them, flat against the cold, polished surface and makes a mental note to think of a better way to get to Frank at midnight.

Out of nowhere, two shot glasses slide across the counter and stop only when they hit one of Gerard’s hands, the liquid sloshing over the rim. He looks up and finds Mikey handing some money to Jim. When Gerard nods at his brother and looks back at Frank, he hears, “I love you too.”

“Nice to know my brother can get you to react,” Gerard says, feeling terribly offended. He’s been trying to get anything out of Frank for weeks and not even tonight does he manage to make Frank happy. That's mostly why he picks up on of the glasses bitterly and downs it in one quick go.

“He’s just bribing me, Gerard,” Frank replies afterwards. Gerard watches him get the other glass and drink, not even thinking about anything. Gerard recognizes the flavor of tequila in his mouth, but unlike Frank, he doesn’t take the lemon slice this time; that is actually kind of pointless when he likes the sensation of the alcohol burning a path down his throat.

Gerard doesn't look back up at Frank just yet. He rubs his forehead with a hand and stays there for a while. There is nothing on his mind, but he does feel a warm touch on his shoulder. It’s Frank’s hand. He has come out from behind the counter and is saying, “It’s almost midnight. Come with me.”

A few minutes later, the band stops playing for the usual countdown, but Gerard isn’t interested in that. He has his arms wrapped around Frank’s middle and they’re kissing. Frank has just apologized for having been so distant lately and Gerard can’t do anything else but forgive him. He had promised himself that he would do anything to have Frank back and that he would never be a coward. He means to keep those promises, no matter what.

They’re still kissing when the midnight shouts fill the club, filling the tradition after all. It’s no longer an empty kiss. Frank is eager this time and Gerard moans into his mouth, satisfied with all the sensations he’s feeling with it. He goes along with the moment, lets himself be kissed like he hasn’t felt in a few weeks. He even feels tears in his eyes.

He lingers onto it and one of his New Year’s resolutions is to never let this flame die between the two of them. Even if he has to buy a thousand shots of tequila.

\--

“Happy New Year, Adam,” Frank croons into the receiver of his cell phone. He smiles at the soft giggle that comes from the other side of the line, knowing that Adam is probably at home, hanging out with his father.

“ _Fraaank_ ,” Adam whines from the other side of the phone line, from the other side of the country. It makes Frank chuckle, because Adam told him not to call while he was hanging out with his father. “You know you shouldn’t call me when I’m at home. My dad is gonna smother me with questions.”

“Don’t be silly. He can probably guess who’s calling you, so why would he bother you with questions?” Frank tells him, never losing his smile or the low tone of voice.

“My dad doesn’t know I’m seeing you, I’ve told you this before. And he _cannot_ know!”

“Well, one of my New Year’s resolutions is to meet your family. I’m sure he won’t think less of you for having a boyfriend. I thought you liked showing me off,” Frank responds with a giggle.

“Don’t you start,” Adam warns him, making Frank continue laughing.

“So you’re not gonna wish me a happy New Year?” Frank diverts the subject of Adam’s question.

“Happy New Year, Frank.”

“So, what did you wish for at midnight?” Frank asks seconds later, grinning to himself because he wants to tease Adam for a while. “Did you wish for me, naked, waiting for you on your bed when you come back?”

“Frank, stop!” Adam whispers agitatedly, sounding very uncomfortable. Frank shakes his head, jokingly, having guessed Adam’s reaction. He usually doesn’t say no to any sexual innuendos, but since he’s at home with his father Frank likes to tease him just a bit more.

“Why would I stop?” he pretends to whine, grinning to himself as he knows what he’s going to get for an answer.

“My dad!”

“It’s not like he can hear me, can he?” Frank laughs shortly.

“Frank, don’t be mean to me. You suck.”

“And you never complain, Captain Hook,” Frank suggests, wiggling his eyebrows even though Adam can’t really see him. He nods at a friendly face passing by and entering the club. The music is still loud, live as every other New Year’s Eve.

“You really liked my Captain Hook, didn’t you?” Adam asks, sounding like he’s smiling. That was his costume for Halloween. Frank remembers how much he loved it. They went to different parties, separately of course, each one with their friends, but then they met up at Adam’s rented studio apartment later that night.

“I loved it, Adam. You looked so sexy. It’s too bad I didn’t get to spend more than one hour with you, though. I would have done so many bad things to your body, you have no idea.” Frank deliberately pushes his voice lower, in a way that he knows makes Adam weak in the knees, but he can barely hold his laughter in after that. He pauses, wanting to hear Adam’s reaction, to hear if he feels embarrassed to be in his father’s house or if he responds to Frank properly.

“I’m gonna hang up on you if you don’t stop.”

It sets Frank laughing, but he stops to tease Adam just a little longer. “Why, are you getting horny and scared that you daddy might notice?”

“Frank, _no,_ “ Adam says. “Stop trying to seduce me over the phone, damnit.”

Afterwards, there’s a loud thump that makes Frank suspicious. When he listens closely, paying attention to the direct silence on the line, he realizes that there’s a murmur in the background. Frank uses this silence on the phone to take a peek inside the club, where everybody is dancing and having fun and most likely barely noticing that he’s not inside.

Then, there’s a rush of sounds in his ear and he comes back outside. “Adam?”

“Yes, dad,” he says, but Frank understand it’s not a reply to him but to Adam’s father, so he can’t contain his giggle. Adam just got busted. Frank tries his hardest not to imagine him sitting down in bed, or even lying down in bed, on the phone with his boyfriend. There’s a pause, a rustle and then, “Sorry, Frank. My dad just burst into my room.”

“Are you in trouble?” Frank asks, truly concerned. He likes playing around and teasing Adam, but it doesn’t mean he can’t understand that Adam is embarrassed by admitting to his father that he’s dating an older guy on the other side of the country.

“No, I don’t think so. He just asked what was taking me so long, like he just didn’t mean to pry,” he replies, in a patronizing tone.

Frank laughs, profusely. He really likes Adam when he’s relaxed and funny. Frank adds, “Well, I won’t keep you away from your dad any longer. I just wanted to wish you a happy New Year and that’s done, so.”

“Alright. I also have to go back to my dad, or he’ll die from boredom and solitude. He’s been a little lonely lately. It got worse when I went to college, so I feel like I need to spend every moment I can with him, otherwise I know he’ll be feeling lonely.”

“That sounds really sad, actually,” Frank says, thinking about his own old age and if he will ever feel like that. Still he has no idea how old Adam’s father is and well, he doesn’t have any kids, so he won’t ever see them off to college, but he also doesn’t want to get to a point where it’s only him. That must be really lonely.

“Yeah, that’s my dad for you. I’m not sure you’ll like to meet him,” Adam replies, but there’s a smile in his voice. Frank knows he is overreacting about his father’s situation.

Frank giggles and soon they’re saying goodbye to each other. He lets Adam go to spend the first hours of the New Year with his father, since in less than a week Frank will be the one enjoying Adam’s company again. At least, in those moments he can escape the rest of his life and focus on being happy with his young lover.

\--

Gerard observes Frank carefully. He’s coming back from outside the club, smiling down at his cell phone. Gerard doesn’t want to think much of it because anyone could be calling Frank, especially to wish him a happy New Year or something. Just because no one calls Gerard, it doesn’t mean Frank can’t get calls from his own friends that Gerard has yet to know. Apart from their common friends, Gerard has no idea who Frank hangs out with, but he’s not going to pry about that. Not when they just went back to feeling comfortable with each other, after a few minutes of making out to the sound of live rock music.

Yet he does walk closer to Frank, smiling at him when he looks up. “You look happy.”

“My dad tried to call me when we were busy, so I went outside to call him back,” Frank says. Gerard knows they don’t talk about Frank’s father because he divorced his wife to follow his music dream. He didn’t want the burden of a family to drag him away from achieving his dreams. They don’t speak about it, but Frank has looked up to his father for several years before the divorce and even now he still respects his father, looking forward to his call at the end of every year. Gerard thinks that is a very nice way to move on from the past.

“How is he?” he wants to know, sliding his arm around Frank’s back.

“He’s alright, sends his best wishes.” Frank’s reply comes with a new kiss to Gerard’s mouth. He feels cold from the outside air, but soon becomes warm from the love they share. Gerard loves this closeness and affection between them.

“I’m glad. Tell me when you can go home,” he adds, leaving Frank to walk past the ‘Employees Only’ door to behind the counter because with the New Year, there are a lot more people requesting drinks. Leaving Frank with a last smile, he turns to his family and goes to talk to them some more.

**

A couple of days later, they’re back to their routine. That morning, Gerard and Frank sit in the kitchen eating breakfast.

Their house is kind of small, but there’s enough space in the kitchen for a counter along two walls, an island and three stools. They always eat here when it’s only the two of them. If they’ve got guests in the house, there’s the dining room with a table and six chairs, which are always more comfortable. Alone they only use it to work, mainly with their laptops.

“What are you gonna do today?” Frank asks, casually, munching on a nearly burnt toast.

“I’m gonna work on my book. I still have to send Marcy the second draft or she’s going to kill me. I can’t postpone it anymore,” Gerard says, with his coffee mug under his chin. The warm smell of coffee fills his nostrils and he drinks deeply, feeling the warm liquid hit his stomach in a comfortable manner.

“Second draft? Weren’t you supposed to send it before Christmas?” Frank asks, wide-eyed.

Gerard nods. “I wasn’t feeling very inspired before Christmas. She gave me a new deadline, but that means I’ll have to send in a longer draft. I need to work on this or I’m going to fail her again. I can’t afford that, this year. I need to get a book out or the publisher will cancel the contract. If it happens, it won’t take long for the word to spread around and I’ll never sell a book again in my entire life.”

“That sounds horrible. Can they do that?”

“They can do whatever the fuck they want, apparently. I signed a contract that says that I’m supposed to follow my editor’s guidelines, or else,” Gerard replies, shrugging. He’s already used to these rules. He just had a bad season by the end of last year, but hopes he can make up for it from now on. He has been waking up really inspired every morning. “What about you, what are your plans for today?”

“I’m gonna spend half my day in boring meetings with the label execs and a few bands. They’re sending a couple of them on tour and I might be designated as their tour manager,” Frank says slowly. It’s like he’s testing the waters, testing Gerard’s response.

“You do remember what happened the last time you were a tour manager…” Gerard says, cutting straight to the point. Gerard surely hasn’t forgotten. “I don’t know what happened to you there, but you did come back weird.”

“I can’t predict anything. It depends on who I’m going to be following, and if I get chosen to go,” Frank says, eating and drinking some more. Gerard nods, but doesn’t want the label to send Frank out on tour with any band. He doesn’t want to go back to the awkwardness of the last six months.

\--

“So, what’s the news?”

“They chose me, Gerard,” Frank announces, sounding a little cheerless. “I have to go on tour with a band I’ve worked with before, _Velvet Equinox_. It’s their first tour outside the country and the label wants them followed daily by someone who knows them as a band and as a friend.”

Gerard nods. “For how long?”

“They’ve got two weeks in South America. There is the possibility, though, that we stay out there for two extra weeks, if it goes as well as the label is predicting.”

“And when are you leaving?”

“In a couple of days,” Frank says quickly, like he means to sound nonchalant. His gaze toward Gerard tells him otherwise, though; he looks worried about something. “I’m sorry it’s so soon, but there are a few things to prepare before they start playing actual shows.”

“It’s alright.” Gerard shrugs. He’s used to the emergency of this label that Frank works at. They both know the great quality of Frank’s managing skills, and every other person at the label are aware of them, so it’s not like Gerard can do anything to avoid this. He adds, “What about the club?”

“I won’t be gone for long, so I got a friend to cover for me while I’m gone. Charles Everett, you must remember him, we used to go to his club a lot when we were — you know.”

“I know.” Gerard nods and doesn’t say anything more about it. He knows Frank is talking about the time when they were in a band themselves, a project that started really well, but then decayed very quickly due to who knows whose fault. They don’t talk about that under any circumstances.

“You need help packing your things?” He smiles warmly. Frank smiles back and nods.

\--

“So, tell me if I’m wrong, but I think your exams are over?” Frank asks into his cell phone’s receiver.

“You’re right.” Adam sounds like he’s smiling. Frank wants to ask something else, but Adam anticipates his question. “And I did tell my dad they wouldn’t be over until next week.”

Frank grins. “Great! Was it as difficult as you thought?” he asks, knowing Adam was reluctant about lying to his father. They discussed this the last time they were together, the night before Frank had to leave town, and Adam told him that he had never lied to his father like this before. Frank reminded him that it would be for a good reason, since he would try to get time off to be with Adam, and now Frank is thankful that this is possible.

“Well, I wonder if you’d like to come see me or not?” Frank inquires, smiling excitedly. He’s planning to have an amazing time. “Because I have a whole week off.”

“How did you manage to get time off from work?” Adam gasps, playfully.

“Sometimes I talk too much,” Frank says, rolling his eyes. He can hear Adam laughing on the other side of the line, and it’s a wonderful sound. Frank has been highly stressed over work for the past couple of weeks, since he had to leave the city in a hurry, and Adam’s light laugh makes him relax. “Are you coming or not?”

\--

“Here you are,” Adam says, behind a grin, as soon as Frank finds him at the train station. He hugs Adam briefly, keeping their reunion kiss for when they’re all alone at the motel, and walks him outside to the car he rented for the occasion. “I can’t believe the last time we saw each other was before Christmas.”

“I know, Adam. It’s been too long,” Frank says, buckling himself up, already in the car, ready to go. He looks at Adam for a few seconds, just appreciating his gorgeous face and the smile he’s got plastered on it, which only makes him glow even more when he notices Frank’s appreciative gaze.

“What are you waiting for?” Adam asks, grinning wider. Frank gets back into his skin, having been lost in his admiration, and turns back to the steering wheel. They’re ready to leave, after all. “So where are we going?”

“We’re gonna stay in town, if you don’t mind the solitude of a tiny town,” Frank announces, starting the car and checking through the mirrors that he can start moving. The car moves smoothly on the pavement of the parking lot. Frank adds, then, “I’m paying for a motel room.”

“Don’t protest,” he contests, as soon as he sees Adam turning to him with a discontented expression like he always does when Frank offers to pay for stuff they enjoy together. “I’m paying for the motel. You can pay your half with your body.”

“Oh!” Adam says, laughing a little. “You think I’m your sex slave or something?!”

Frank laughs along with him and keeps driving. He’s excited for this week ahead of them, since he managed to get a week off from work in order to be alone with his young lover. He’s more than ecstatic; he’s physically excited.

\--

Gerard hears the door opening from the living room.

He’s been writing on his book since he got up this morning. Having talked to Frank on the phone last night and knowing that he’s coming back home tonight, Gerard felt immediately inspired as soon as he set foot out of bed. He had breakfast in front of the computer, skipped lunch, ate a cheese sandwich around three p.m. and forgot about starting dinner, but it doesn’t matter. He wrote a lot and feels happy and relieved about that.

The door opening makes him lose his focus and smile. He wraps up that last paragraph very quickly and gets up from the chair he’s been sitting on, turning the laptop off and closing the lid. It’s late and Frank is back, so Gerard figures he might be busy for the rest of the night. He hears a voice calling for him as he steps out of the living room and meets Frank in the middle of the kitchen. “Frank, hi!”

Frank grins at him, in a wide flash of teeth. “Hey! Guess who’s back from South America?”

They hug quickly and Gerard pecks Frank’s lips briefly. “Are you tired? How was the tour?”

“It was amazing. Those dudes rocked those gigs, everyone loved them! You probably figured that out from the extra weeks I spent away. But seriously, they had the crowds practically wrapped around their fingers. It was crazy,” Frank says, happily. Gerard is aware that Frank loves what he does, even if it means having to stay away from each other for a while.

Well, due to the awkward situation they were in since the last tour leg Frank was a part of, Gerard has to say that maybe this distance was good for them. Frank came back with a smile on his face and clearly excited to tell Gerard about everything he made happen for the band. Gerard listens to him gladly, helping him unpack and sort the dirty laundry, and smiling at Frank’s enthusiasm the whole time.

Gerard even adds his own pieces of information. “I found several reviews online, actually. Everyone sounded so impressed. I wasn’t really surprised, because I know how good you are at everything you set yourself to do, tour management being only one of many things, but it was mind-blowing.”

At one point, Frank turns to Gerard with an uncomfortable look. Gerard widens his eyes questioningly, not understanding what’s going on, but Frank smiles at him in a very soft way. Gerard hasn’t really realized until now that he missed being with his boyfriend. The feeling is overpowering right now, but he may get over it as soon as they spend some quality time together all over again.

“Do you miss—” Frank starts, but stops himself before he asks the question. Frank doesn’t look only uncomfortable; he looks devastated. That’s when Gerard really understands what he means.

“ _Yes_ , of course I miss the band, the tours, the crazy shit we all did together, but I still think ending our band was for the greater good. We had reached our pinnacle, our zenith. We weren’t focused on making music anymore. It started being about battling our private battles and it still doesn’t make sense to me,” Gerard admits, although he has admitted it before when they were questioned about the end of their band, five years ago.

“You’re right about that, but I can’t believe we never started a new band,” Frank replies, shaking his head. Gerard knows why he’s saying this. They had talked about getting involved in new bands, but starting everything from square one had sounded really impossible, with the recent breakup and the internal fights that caused it. “But enough of that. I’m happy like this, anyway.”

“I’m happy too.” Gerard smiles at him, looking down for a moment because Frank’s gaze is suddenly overwhelming. It’s been over three weeks since they’ve seen each other and he’s missed Frank a lot. Gerard tells him just that, approaching Frank and reaching out for his hands slowly. “I missed you. And you look really good after this tour, unlike the last—”

“Let’s not talk about that, okay?” Frank demands of him, and Gerard really can’t deny him that. He won’t be able to deny anything to Frank at the moment, even the most surreal request. “I had a blast this time and in South America, I wasn’t as pushed by the execs as the last time, so it’s alright. I feel good.”

“I feel good too, had a good day and since you’re here, it can’t get any worse.” Gerard grins, trying to be as sensual as he can, but it’s been so long since they got physically involved successfully that he’s afraid of failing this mission. “I’m going to bed. Do you—”

“I need to take a shower first, just a quick one. It’ll help me relax and maybe I can get this excitement off of my skin,” Frank says, exploding into a grin. Gerard nods, watching Frank as he unhooks their hands and starts taking his clothes off, walking to their closet and taking a clean towel. Gerard thinks about changing into his pajama bottoms, but at the sound of Frank’s voice calling for him, he looks up. Frank is already by the bedroom door and he says, “You wanna… share?”

Gerard looks at him wide-eyed again, not having expected that proposal, however he couldn’t find the piece of mind to deny Frank that right now, no matter how hard he tried. Gerard just smiles and agrees, walking slowly to Frank without even bothering to grab their clothes or another towel. He just wants to be with Frank right now.

**

“You just came back three days ago!” Gerard complains, his fork falling on the almost empty plate with a loud clink. He stares at Frank, who just told him he will have to work late tonight at the club. Apparently, they’re going to take care of the club’s accounting matters, pulling a balance sheet together and registering a full inventory of what they’ve got in stock. Usually, they go through this procedure in early January, but Frank never trusts this task to anybody when he’s not available, so they postponed it until now. Even so, Gerard is not satisfied with this fact, no matter how important it is for Frank and the club. “I thought you’d have more time off. You said we would—”

“I _know_ I promised you I’d stay home for the whole week, just the two of us, to compensate for the time I was in South America, but this has to be done as soon as possible. You know how important this is. We do it every year! It’s only one night, I’ll be back before you wake up,” Frank tells him, before eating another forkful of noodles.

Gerard eats his own noodles, feeling very unhappy about this situation. They did spend the last couple of days practically locked up at home, away from everything else, but it honestly doesn’t feel enough. If Frank is going to bail out on him tonight, who knows if he won’t just go back to work 100% and barely spend any time at home. Gerard can pretty much imagine being with Frank exclusively on Sunday nights, if he even gets that too. It terrifies him, but there isn’t much he can do about it, is there?

“Alright,” he says with a reluctant sigh, looking down and getting up to rinse his empty dish. Frank finishes soon too and leaves the dish on the counter, knowing that Gerard will take care of it. He leaves the kitchen immediately and comes back with his jacket on, ready to go. Gerard turns to him and pecks his lips goodbye. “I’ll see you in the morning.”

\--

It’s late. Frank sent everybody home as they’ve been working at the club the whole week and he hasn’t, and there are only a few boxes left to store away after completing the inventory.

He knows just the right person to call for help. They have discussed this possibility while he was on his way here, straight from home. Frank waits for him to answer the phone and skips the greeting, saying, “Hey, you wanna come blow me on top of these boxes?”

Adam giggles across the phone line, but agrees immediately. “Ten minutes!”

\--

“What does the label say, Adam?” Frank asks, with only a little difficulty.

“I think it’s vodka, but I can’t be sure anymore,” Adam replies in between gasps. Frank is fucking him pretty harshly, half an hour after the mutual blowjobs. It’s unbelievable how hungry they are for each other since they were together only last week, but the unpacked boxes and quite a long list of products to store away turned them on for some inconceivable reason. They should be worried about opening the last three boxes and storing away the bottles in them, but it doesn’t matter anymore.

Frank murmurs incoherent words when his climax hits. He can hear Adam shouting his name, that hoarse voice of his clouded with so much pleasure. Frank collapses over him, panting and moaning, stopping his movements with aftershocks crawling across his skin and inside his brain.

“That was… amazing,” Adam says with a grin, a few minutes later. They’re spread out on the floor, next to the stack of boxes that they still need to store away, but Frank can’t think about that right now. He can only think about kissing this young, absolutely gorgeous man beside him, and then crawls over him to lie half on top of Adam.

“I think I love you,” Frank blurts out, not being completely sure he wanted to confess it. Yet once it’s out, he doesn’t regret it.

Especially when Adam looks up at him with wide eyes and replies, “I love you too.”

Frank smiles down at him and kisses him again, sweetly this time, absolutely hooked on this young spirit.

\--

It’s past six a.m..

Gerard is in the living room, sitting at the table with the laptop on in front of him. Next to it, there are a few empty beer bottles. He is just opening another one when he hears the front door being shut. He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath, exhaling soundly because he’s so tired of doing this. He waited up for Frank, for a reason he has yet to understand. What he knows is that his mind is clogged by the alcohol.

He has already drunk half the bottle when Frank walks in to the living room. Gerard takes another sip before turning around to face him. He looks tired, Gerard can see that perfectly from the sleepy eyes and the disheveled hair, but he doesn’t feel any compassion. It’s what people get for working too much.

Frank looks at him like he really wasn’t expecting to see Gerard there, but it doesn’t move Gerard in any way. If anything, it makes him feel like he needs to wait up every single time this happens, in case Frank has some sort of secret activity for nights like this and, caught unguarded, it might be more difficult for him to hide whatever it is. Gerard shakes his head at himself, though.

“Hey,” Frank says, casually, like nothing has ever happened between them; like it’s completely normal for them that he gets home at dawn and Gerard is just casually waiting for him. “What are you doing here? Are you up early?”

Gerard shakes his head again, then decides to point at the empty bottles next to him. Frank touches one of them, holding its neck between two fingers, analyzing it. Gerard watches his every move, trying to get something out of his observation, but he might have drunk too many beers to actually interpret what he’s seeing. So he says, knowing he’s slightly slurring, “No, I just didn’t feel like going to bed. I thought about writing some paragraphs instead and lost track of time, I guess.”

Gerard takes another sip, seeing Frank lean closer and take a peek at the laptop screen.

“Your new document page is blank,” Frank points out, sounding almost surprised, turning to look at Gerard with raised eyebrows. “What’s wrong, you lost your muse?”

Gerard just shrugs and takes another sip, noticing that the bottle is almost empty, so he just downs the rest in one go. He puts it back down on the table with a clink and asks, “I have no idea. How was your night?”

“Horrible,” Frank answers immediately, grasping the back of a chair and rubbing his eyes. Gerard tries to put away the thought that Frank is only doing this to add effect, but he can’t lie to himself. Either the drinking or the not sleeping, there is something scheming his mind against his own boyfriend.

Still he can’t help to offer, “You wanna have a beer with me?”

“How many have you had?” Frank asks in return, but Gerard has no idea. He shrugs and gestures towards the empty bottles on the table. He can’t be bothered to count them, but it has most definitely been more than enough, since his head is starting to ache. Gerard reaches out for another one and notices that there are only two uncapped bottles, so he absentmindedly offers Frank the other one. Frank thanks him, in a low voice, and takes the bottle.

They drink in silence at first, but Gerard interrupts it, asking, “How was your night?”

Frank looks at him sideways and comments with a slight furrow of his eyebrows, “You’ve already asked me that.” Gerard shrugs, taking a large sip. He doesn’t care about any possible side effects of his actions. Not tonight. He waits in silence for an answer, if Frank wants to give him one. “It wasn’t good. I was busy the whole time. I hate being the boss in days like this, seriously. I have to be everywhere and do everything, guide everyone in their tasks. It’s somewhat rewarding, but really tiring.”

“It looks like your night wasn’t any better, though,” he ends up pointing out, making Gerard lifts his eyes to look back at him. He’s not sure he’s following Frank’s thought. “I mean, you intended to write but the page is blank, you almost finished a twelve pack of beer all by yourself and to top it all off, you look really sad. Is there something wrong?”

Gerard nods, not really sure if he wants to. He certainly doesn’t want to have this kind of conversation with Frank when he is inebriated and isn’t exactly in full control of his brain, and when his mind is clogged with the alcohol and the unsure thoughts about Frank. He can’t avoid any of that now. He had too much to drink and one of the consequences is the partial loss of his brain skills, along with the slight sadness he is in fact feeling. Alcohol is a depressant after all - he should have thought about that before he started drinking. 

He puts the beer bottle aside, only half empty, as his stomach suddenly churns. He shouldn’t be feeling or thinking like this, since Frank came back from tour only days ago feeling alright and even giving Gerard some things they hadn’t had in a while. It was fun until tonight, and it was only one night, so there is really no reason to worry. Not yet. So Gerard wants to erase this from his core, but he needs to be honest with Frank and with himself in order to do just that.

“I may be a little drunk, and it can totally bring out the worst in me, but I—” He stops, staring at Frank, wondering if what he has to say is worth risking his relationship for, along with the trust Frank has placed in him.

Yet Frank is considerate and says reassuringly, “Talk to me. It’s alright.”

Gerard takes a deep breath, sits down and lets it go slowly. He focuses on Frank’s face before he starts talking. “It’s just - I spent three weeks without you, and now you spent the night working, and I almost had this idea that I don’t know if you belong with me or with your jobs. I don’t want to be a burden to you, or your eventual career progression. And I don’t want to feel like this because you’re my boyfriend and I should be used to this already, because you work a lot, but the truth is that I feel lonely most of the time when you’re not in the house. It’s depressing and—”

“And you’re really drunk, Gerard,” Frank comments with a soft smile. Gerard can see that he means no harm and no humor with it; it’s an honest smile. “Right now everything will feel worse than it is, don’t you think? Especially because you’ve been drinking alone and you had a lot of beer. So let me just take you to bed. Tomorrow it will seem better.”

He keeps smiling, putting his bottle on the table and motioning for Gerard. He lets Frank take him by the arm and lead him to the bedroom. He also says, “I miss you, Frank. Will you kiss me tonight?”

“You need to sleep, not get laid,” Frank says, grinning directly at Gerard.

“But it’s been so long since…”

“It’s only been two days,” Frank says casually, opening their bedroom door. Gerard walks in first, going straight for the bed where he sits up. He looks at Frank, feeling quite miserable. “I know it barely counts, since we spent so much time away from each other, but you need to forget it and go to sleep. We can talk about it when we wake up, alright?”

Frank sounds very understanding, actually, and Gerard nods in response. Still, the booze in his system causes him to ask insistently, “Why has it been so long? Is something happening to us?”

He realizes he sounds quite serious with that question. Gerard had obviously thought about it often, during the weeks they barely acknowledged each other, but finally asking this question makes the whole deal seem a lot more real. It’s terribly intimidating, if he has to be honest with himself, but he waits patiently for Frank’s answer.

“I’m sorry, Gerard, I just haven’t been—”

“Fond of me?” Gerard hurries to ask. When he understands the seriousness in his voice, in the question itself too, he looks down. He doesn’t feel ready to face Frank’s answer and suddenly wishes he had never wondered that out loud. Yet he admits his mind is kind of working on its own at the moment, from the beer and the loneliness and the doubts he’s been faced with when Frank wasn’t here with him.

Gerard has dealt with a couple of harsh relationships, having just broken up with his ex a few weeks before he met Frank, and he was quite a shy guy for a long time. Until today, he still is afraid of getting his heart broken, no matter if he often forgets about it when he’s with Frank. Sometimes, when weak moments occur in their relationship, Gerard can’t help but be plagued by these kinds of thoughts all over again.

“Don’t you like me anymore?” he continues, looking up at last. Frank is practically gaping at him.

“Of course I do, don’t say that,” he replies immediately. The expression on his face shows surprise, maybe from not expecting that Gerard could be so bold when inebriated. Frank approaches the bed and stands in front of Gerard, grabbing his face with both hands and fixing his gaze on Gerard’s eyes. He says, “I love you, and you’re a very handsome man. I just haven’t been in the mood. It’s been crazy at work. Having two jobs isn’t easy and the amount of stress is picking at my nerves. It’s tearing me apart, that is all. This isn’t a matter of love, at least not to me.”

Gerard doesn’t respond. He has nothing to say to that. He just stares at Frank, not even blinking.

“Let’s just go to bed. It’s late, you’re drunk and I’m tired; we both need to sleep,” Frank concludes, filling the silence with his words. 

Gerard obeys and lets Frank help him into bed. He doesn’t really comprehend what happens next, as he is more drunk than properly conscious. It doesn’t matter anymore. Frank is back and, in the morning, everything will seem different and slightly better. He hopes so.

**

On Valentine’s Day, Gerard wakes up and Frank isn’t home. He must have left for work early today, because it’s barely past nine a.m. and Gerard can’t find him anywhere. He tries calling his phone, but it goes straight to voicemail. He’s definitely at work.

Gerard eats some breakfast while he decides that he needs to write some more. He doesn’t feel inspired right now, but maybe reading a bit of what he has written in the last few days will bring some writing spark to his mind again. He certainly needs it, since Marcy called two nights ago to warn him that he’s only got three weeks until his deadline and he had to confess to her that he hasn’t achieved his daily goal for over a week.

In the end, he spends the whole morning in front of his laptop, writing. He eats only a sandwich for lunch, completely focused on doing this for himself and his characters. He’s working on a sci-fi book now, something that is new to him but that he’s kind of enjoying, despite the lack of inspiration caused by none other than his desperate need to be close to Frank.

In the afternoon, Gerard is in the bedroom, reading a magazine article on the latest sleep study, doing research for his story. For no reason at all, Gerard looks beside him. According to the alarm clock on the nightstand, Frank will be home soon. Gerard sees four beer bottles next to the clock, empty of course, and he remembers that he’d better dispose of them before Frank notices. He’s been giving Gerard a hard time about the amount of beer he’s been drinking lately, but the alcohol has been the reason he has been able to focus better on things.

For now, even though Frank will probably notice that there is less beer in the fridge, Gerard gets up and picks the four bottles carelessly. He wants to throw them away before Frank gets home, and picking up the almost full plastic bag from the trashcan, along with his keys from the hallway table, he leaves the house. Outside, he throws the bag into the large trashcan by the road.

He looks around himself a few times, trying to make sure that Frank is nowhere to be seen and goes back into the house. He goes to the bathroom immediately, to brush his teeth, in case Frank notices the smell of alcohol on his breath, then goes back to the bedroom.

Gerard is perfectly aware that he’s lying to Frank, hiding things from him so he doesn’t have to listen to Frank arguing about the evils of drinking too much, but he decides to relax instead of freaking out about it. He chooses to look out the window in their bedroom. He can see the road, and their practically dead garden, and a car on the driveway. It’s Frank’s, and in fact, he can see Frank on the phone, still inside the car. Well, if Frank didn’t see him by the trashcan just now, either Gerard moved really fast or he was really, really lucky.

Frank stays in the car for a long time and, eventually, Gerard goes back to reading, but he’s unfocused now. He keeps reading the same sentence over and over again, and still doesn’t make sense of what he’s reading. Putting the magazine aside when he finally hears the front door, he decides to get up from where he’s sitting down against the headboard of their bed.

“Gerard, you home?” Frank calls and Gerard catches up with him in the foyer, with a warm greeting. He follows Frank into the kitchen, where he puts his backpack and laptop case down on the table. 

Gerard slides one hand over Frank’s shoulders, saying, “So glad you’re home. You left early this morning.”

“Yeah, they needed me for a last minute meeting. It was a horrible day, I hate to tell you,” Frank replies, with a tired smile in Gerard’s direction. Gerard watches him walk to the fridge and get a bottle of water, drinking half of it in one go. “I’m feeling fresher now. How was your day?”

“Meh,” Gerard answers, shrugging. He can’t really say he had a bad day, considering that he spent the whole morning writing without deleting half of his work and then, in the afternoon, he was doing some research to complement his book. He explains it exactly like this to Frank, who keeps smiling and chugging from the water bottle once in a while.

“Well, if you’re not too tired, I was thinking we could go out for dinner?” Gerard ends up asking. After all, it is Valentine’s Day and they have gone out every year to celebrate it. They need it this year more than Gerard can put into words.

“Did you make a reservation?” Frank asks, seriously. Gerard shakes his head sadly, and then Frank says, “In that case, I’d prefer to stay at home. We went out together last week. I don’t know about you, but there’s a few things I’d like to work on today. I need to get it done by Wednesday morning and I’m not sure how long it’ll take me.”

Gerard feels the corners of his mouth turning down. He is obviously disappointed by the fact that Frank wants to work tonight, but he can deal with that. They did go on a date last week; they went out for dinner, then went clubbing with Mikey and Pete for a little while and ended up having their own fun in bed. It had been relaxed and un-preoccupied, and most definitely entertaining. Frank said that night that it’d been exactly what they needed, but Gerard needs a lot more than just one date.

“It’s alright,” he says, though, not wanting to cause any fights. “What are you gonna be working on?”

“I’ve got some forms to fill for the label, and more managing reports for the club,” Frank replies with a sigh. He concludes, “It makes me hate being a boss.”

“Well, I won’t bother you then,” Gerard says, meaning every single word, while Frank picks up his laptop from its case and takes it to the living room. Gerard’s own laptop is there, the screen already pitch black from the hours Gerard spent away from it.

He goes to turn it off because he doesn’t feel like writing anymore, but Frank tells him, “Did you write anything today?”

Gerard throws a look at him and notices Frank’s expectant grin. It’s actually encouraging and it’s been a while since Gerard felt anything like it. He keeps that thought in the back of his mind and replies, “Yeah. I’m finally catching up, but I’ll go back to the bedroom. I was reading an article before you came home,” he adds, turning the laptop off and shutting down the lid.

“You can read in here, if you want,” Frank utters, pointing at the armchair in the room. He’s smiling warmly too. “Even if you read out loud or murmur or do other crazy, you know writers’ shit, you can stay. It won’t bother me.”

“You think you’re insulting me, Frank,” Gerard says, mysteriously, as he leaves the dining room. He intends on coming back here with his magazine, though. He won’t mind reading in front of Frank, since he asked so nicely. Gerard shakes his head at himself.

Back from the bedroom, Gerard goes through the kitchen and grabs a beer from the fridge. He hesitates for a while, looking at it under the bright light of the opened fridge, then looking behind himself towards the dining room and Frank, but he shrugs off his unease a moment later. Just because Frank keeps telling him that he’s been drinking a lot more, it doesn’t mean it’s going to get dangerous. He has total control over this. He just wants something to go along with the reading.

“I’m having a beer. You want one?” he offers, under the archway between the kitchen and the dining room. Frank looks up at him, but he doesn’t seem peaceful.

Frank frowns and inquires, “You’re drinking beer at six p.m.?”

Gerard shrugs. “It helps me focus while I read, why?”

“Nothing,” Frank says grimly. He seems unaware that Gerard is looking at him through the corner of his eye and can perfectly see the frustrated way he’s shaking his head. Gerard pretends he doesn’t notice and sits down on the armchair, crossing his legs and propping his magazine on his knee.

\--

Later, Gerard is finished with his third beer of the afternoon, or rather the seventh beer of the day, although he can’t come clean to Frank about that or he’d never hear the end of it, when a cell phone rings. It’s Frank’s, but Gerard looks up, closes the magazine and puts down his fluorescent green marker. He’s finished doing research for the day. He should enjoy the evening and the light mood he’s in to maybe do some more writing on his book. He has this deep feeling that it will go well, just like this morning.

He looks up at Frank as he answers the call, then gets up while Frank’s listening to whoever is talking on the phone to him. Moments later, when Gerard is already on his way to the kitchen, he hears Frank: “Hey Gerard, it’s Mikey.”

Gerard forgets the reason why he was heading to the kitchen in the first place and goes back to where Frank is, sitting at the table with his cell phone on his ear. Frank puts it down and puts it on speaker. “What do you want, kid? Don’t tell me you want to go out with me today of all days?”

Mikey’s laugh sounds muffled through the phone. Frank giggles too, aware of the year when Mikey and Gerard went out together for the lack of better company. Mikey says, “You’d think you had already forgotten about that, huh? Anyway, no, it’s just that I’m throwing a little party tonight. Pete just had the idea, you know how he is, right, when he thinks of something, it either happens his way or I’m down for a no-sex week, so we’re inviting everyone we know.”

“Really, _everybody_.” He accentuates his words with a click of his tongue. “You guys wanna come? We’re ordering take out, so we’re inviting family over for dinner, no strings attached. What do you guys say?”

Gerard looks at Frank, smiling, but arches his eyebrows questioningly. “Count me in. I had a very productive day, I need to loosen up.”

“If you start partying after every successful day, oh my God,” Frank complains weirdly, looking down at the table. Gerard opens his mouth to try to ask him what that means, but Frank continues speaking. “I can’t go, Mikey, I’ve got work to do. I’m completely buried in reports that I need to hand in by Wednesday morning. I’m sorry.”

“It’s alright, man. You can always drop by later,” Mikey’s muffled voice says.

“Thanks,” Frank says. “I’ll see what I can do.”

“I’m still going for dinner,” says Gerard, not wanting to miss this party. He shrugs when Frank gives him _that_ look again, the look he’s given him when he told Gerard off for drinking beer in the afternoon. Gerard doesn’t mind him, though. He can very well do whatever he wants, can’t he? “I want out of this house. There’s nothing better than meeting you and Pete for a small party. Do you want me to bring anything?”

“No, it’s our party, we provide all the food,” Mikey replies, chuckling. “We’re gonna party big, though.” Gerard laughs.

“Even better.” Since Frank has to work and Gerard will end up bored out of his mind on his own, well at least now he has plans to get shitfaced.

\--

“I can’t believe you texted me to come here,” Adam says, his voice exceptionally loud in the quiet night air. Frank pulls him inside before any of his nosy neighbors sees him. Not that he particularly cares about what they think, but his life is better when no one is making disparaging comments on his love and sex life.

He kisses Adam as soon as he’s inside and the door is closed. He’s hungry for touch, desperate to get as close as possible. He needs this more than anything at the moment. He’s been feeling quite down today, for various reasons, and Adam is the perfect company he could seek.

He tells this to Adam, adding, “I need you. Just hold me. I need you to please me, Adam.”

“It’ll be a pleasure,” Adam tells him, smiling. It feels so damn good to look at that wide, beautiful smile right now, with all the stress inside Frank’s head. He can’t decide what he wants to do first, kiss Adam again or wait for him to kiss Frank first.

“Adam...” he whispers, leaning forward so he can be close to the side of Adam’s face and breathe against his earlobe. In the end, he decides to wait, mainly because Adam grabs his arms and pushes him away gently for a second.

“Is everything alright?” he asks, looking deep into Frank’s eyes. Frank nods, leaning forward again, this time to try and kiss Adam’s lips.

“Let’s talk later, alright?” he asks against them, breathing hot over the tender pink skin. He pecks it softly, then pulls away and almost drags Adam past the kitchen, to the living room.

Today is the first day Frank has invited Adam to his house. They’ve been here before, mostly because Adam was curious about his place, and wanted to know where Frank lives, but they only had lunch together because Adam had classes that afternoon. Right now, Frank felt the deepest need to be with Adam but wasn’t in the mood to drive, so calling Adam to come here was the best decision he could come up with. He knows it could be risky, considering how he keeps a low profile regarding their relationship, but ever since he confessed his feelings for Adam, Frank can’t stop himself from wanting to be with him all the time.

Some days, he can't help but ask himself if he’s doing the right thing. He doesn’t want to lead Adam on, in case he’s not ready to become serious with him. He’s young and needs someone like himself. He deserves someone better than Frank, someone younger and more energetic. Frank can sometimes be very joyful, but lately small things like working ten hours every day have been making him more tired than before. It’s not that Frank isn’t happy with Adam, because he most definitely is. He’s glad he’s met someone so lively and gorgeous, someone so opinionated and determined, someone just like Adam. Frank can’t deny that, but sometimes he wonders if he just isn’t too lucky.

Yet that doesn’t really matter right now. Adam is in his house, willing to do something sweet to him.

First, Frank shuts down his laptop lid and then turns to focus back on Adam. He’d been reading something online in between having sent Adam a text message to come meet him here and opening the door. Frank smiles at him, trying to be seductive. “You’re very beautiful, did you know that?”

Adam smiles back, shyly. Frank can see a subtle shade of red on his cheeks, but Adam is always like this, shy and thankful for whatever kind words Frank has for him. It’s very beautiful to witness and is one of the reasons why Frank is so fond of him. That, and the way Adam flirts with him.

“Yes, you tell me so every single day,” he replies, still smiling, still blushing. He approaches Frank slowly and wraps his arms around Frank’s shoulders. “And so are you. You’re even more beautiful, with age all over your face and knowledge and experience. You’re stunning and an amazing example. I want to be like you when I’m your age.”

Frank can’t even muster up a smile for him. He doesn’t really believe that being older is stunning, but maybe he doesn’t have the right to an opinion since he has to look at his face every morning. Either way, he puts his own hands on Adam’s hips and pulls him close, nuzzling Adam’s face with his nose. But he doesn’t say anything.

“You are—” Adam keeps talking, only pausing when Frank brushes his nose, then his mouth across Adam’s lips. They’re always soft, but there’s something about them today that keeps Frank attracted to them. They look shiny and he just wants to taste them, but still he doesn’t say anything. He wants to listen to this.

“You’re my idol, Frank. I look up to you, no matter what you think of yourself. I want to have half your energy, half your _life_ when I age,” Adam finishes, grabbing Frank’s face by the jaw and bringing their lips together. This kiss is soft and delicious, Frank notices, so much so that he lets a moan slip past his throat.

Those words mean more to him than he can explain, either verbally or physically. They just warm him up in every corner of his core and the best way to prove it right now is by letting Adam take care of him. It’s also what he needs the most at this moment, with all the doubts he’s been having about what he admitted to Adam last month.

“Why are you so good to me?” he whispers, once they pull away from the kiss. Frank slides his hands up Adam’s hips, under his clothes; he slips his open palms across his ribcage and down his back. Adam’s skin is warm and soft, and it smells good too when Frank leans in to mouth at Adam’s neck. Frank couldn’t have wished for a better human body attached to his.

“You are my favorite person,” Adam says, hiding a moan in every word. Frank keeps licking his skin where Adam’s neck finds his shoulder. Adam doesn’t stop talking just yet. “I adore you and everything you unconsciously teach me. I’m a better person because of you.”

“Shhh,” Frank tries, not wanting to listen to any more compliments. He likes them, of course he does, but it’s not helping his cause right now. Frank has been fighting with doubts for the past weeks. Adam can’t do this to him right now.

“Fuck this, Adam, just—” he adds, moaning a little when Adam’s hand presses just right on his ribs. It’s a soft spot for him and Adam found it a long time ago, insisting on touching it or kissing it or nibbling on it every time they’re together and he wants to have Frank at his mercy.

“I don’t deserve you, so shut up,” Frank ends up saying, before he buries his face in Adam’s neck all over again and presses their hips together. He doesn’t want to have this conversation right now. There are other things he needs from Adam.

“You shut up. You’re a great person,” Adam insists, but Frank isn’t listening to him.

“I need you, Adam, I need you _now_.”

And he walks Adam to his small couch and lays him there, on his back, climbing on top of him so he can get comfortable and kiss his mouth. There are other things Frank wants to do to him instead of talking.

\--

It’s not as late as Frank wished, but Adam has to go nonetheless. They’re standing by the front door, hugging tightly before Adam leaves Frank’s place. When they pull back, Frank can’t help but feel like his limbs aren’t coordinated; they don’t seem to cooperate with his brain.

“Why can’t we ever spend a full night together?” Adam whines against his mouth after the short peck they share. Frank’s mouth squirms against his in sort of a grimace because he wants to attend to those needs, but he can’t bring himself to accept it just yet. Just thinking about that freaks him out, like he’ll have a panic attack if Adam stays over or he stays over at Adam’s place. It’s scary and something he doesn’t understand, but he won’t do it until he feels prepared. Until his body adjusts to the idea.

“Are you hiding something from me?” Adam continues, noticing Frank’s silence. Before Frank has time to kiss his lips again, Adam puts in, “Don’t tell me you’re married!”

“Adam!” Frank chastises him, rolling his eyes. Adam points a finger at him, grinning, so Frank decides to play along. “Of course I am, I’ve got a truly splendid, trophy wife!”

“That sounds kinda boring, actually,” Adam comments with a funny grimace. It makes Frank giggle at him.

“No, I’m not married. I just think—” He hesitates.

“What?” Adam asks of him, and Frank has to open up to him. There’s no chance he can hide this inside any longer, and of course, Adam deserves to know about this too.

“I’ve got some issues with relationships. They’re too damn hard for me, especially at this point in my life, when work has been hectic and things have been complicated. You know that, we’ve talked about it.” Adam nods at Frank’s words and actually looks quite understanding. Frank used to think he would react badly to this confession, but it seems like once again Frank is proven wrong. Adam is really much more mature than Frank gives him credit for.

“Also, who knows what’s going to happen next year? You talked about studying abroad, so what if you decide to go and leave the country for a whole year? You might go out into the big world out there and realize that you don’t want to be with me after all. I just don’t want to lead you on, making you think that you have to stick with me, because you don’t. You can do whatever the fuck you want.”

Adam blinks at him with a very serious look in his eyes. It actually makes Frank arch his eyebrows, surprised; he never expected to cause that kind of reaction in him. “You’re - scared, is that what you’re telling me? Are you scared that we won’t work out as boyfriends, or that I’ll go study abroad next year, or that we fucking die tomorrow?

“If that’s what you’re so scared of, well you shouldn’t have hit on me in the first place. That’s not a reason to avoid spending the night with me. I’m not gonna leave you tomorrow, if that’s what you’re so scared of. I’m here to stay. If you can’t accept that everybody’s future is uncertain, then I don’t understand what I’m doing here. You can’t tell me that shit and expect me to accept it as an excuse for why you’re pushing me away. It’s not valid. No one knows what’s gonna happen in the future, not you; I certainly don't. It’s the future! Why should we worry about it in advance?” Adam concludes, rubbing his temple when he’s finished.

Frank looks up at him, shocked and a little embarrassed. He knows this very well himself, so why can’t he just accept Adam into his life? Why is he so goddamn nervous about spending an entire night with him? He can’t be embarrassed of Adam, because he is a wonderful person. He’s in fact a small surprise to Frank, every single day.

“What does your gut tell you, Frank?” Adam goes on, more softly this time. He has his hands on Frank’s shoulders, squeezing and supporting. “You have to trust your gut. I’ve got faith in us, really. I love you.”

Frank nods and smiles, but he can’t say it back. Not like the other night. He’s been having too many doubts, has been questioning himself a lot. Adam figures it out really quick. He says, “Well, if you can’t say it again, there must be something else bothering you. I wish you’d tell me, but I’m not going to push you. I can wait until you’re ready to tell me.”

When Frank doesn’t give him anything else apart from an awkward look, Adam adds, “You know you can open up to me, okay, and don’t blame your goddamn job because there must be something else. I can feel it.”

Frank doesn’t confirm or deny anything. He simply keeps quiet until Adam hugs him again, kissing his neck in the process. He says into Frank’s ear, “I love you, okay? I really do, and that won’t change soon. If this is about the age difference, I don’t give a fuck. If it’s about past relationships, you’ll have to explain to me why. If it’s about something else, well, either way I’ll wait for you to open up. I’ll be here for you, Frank. All the time.”

Frank nods against his face, relishing the feel of Adam’s warm breath against his skin. He loves how physically close they are and wishes he was able to love Adam with no reserve, and to dedicate himself to this relationship, yet something keeps pulling him back. He needs to figure himself out.

\--

“Don’t call him, I’m fine,” Gerard slurs, begging Mikey not to call Frank. He knows he’s had too much to drink tonight, but he can figure this out without embarrassing himself in front of Frank. He doesn’t want to embarrass Frank either, or trigger any fights with him. Gerard struggles against Mikey’s grasp, repeating, “Don’t call him, Mikey.”

The last thing Gerard remembers is Mikey helping him get onto the couch, one hand on Gerard’s arm, the other holding his cell phone tightly, but then Gerard feels his throat tighten around the taste of old beer, his brain swoons like a rollercoaster and he passes out.

When Gerard comes to again, he can’t place his finger on why he feels so strange yet at home. He opens his eyes and finds Frank lying next to him, a worried frown up on his forehead and his mouth in a tight line, and yet he tucks a strand of hair behind Gerard’s ear softly. Frank’s voice sounds really faint when he says, “I’m sorry, Gerard. I should have gone with you to Mikey’s party. I never wanted you to doubt my feelings for you, alright? I’m sorry.”

Gerard turns his head so that his cheek rubs against Frank’s palm. Frank rests it on Gerard’s face and whispers, “I wish tonight had been different for us, but you need to take care of yourself, okay? We’ll never work this out if you keep letting yourself lose control like this.”

**

At Adam’s alcove studio, Frank holds his weight up on his elbows and stares down at Adam. He looks really beautiful right now, the everyday beauty with the renewed sex hair, flushed cheeks and sweaty forehead. He’s also panting. Frank takes a deep breath and asks, “You want me to stay the night?”

Adam blinks at him, inhaling deeply through his nose. It makes Frank release a nervous chuckle. He’s never asked anything like this, but Adam was pretty assertive the last time they mentioned spending the night together, and Frank couldn’t resist tonight. “Do you—?”

“Yes. I want to spend the night here,” Frank admits, shrugging his own uncertainty off his shoulders. He has made much more difficult decisions in his life. “I want to sleep next to you and wake up next to you, and all the other cheesy stuff. I want to.”

“What about your wife?” Adam inquires, mocking. He’s full-on grinning now.

“Fuck my wife.”

“She’s not here, Frank,” says Adam, hooking one calf around Frank’s leg. He turns them around quickly, like it’s his expertise. “You’ll have to settle for fucking me.”

“Serves me just fine. I’m not picky,” Frank replies. He wants to provoke Adam and he actually succeeds, because the younger man growls at him and slaps him lightly on his thigh. He also presses Frank against the mattress, with that anticipatory, hungry look in his eyes. It’s so familiar right now, but Frank can never get enough of it. 

They stare at each other in silence for a while, Frank’s eyes searching for every detail of Adam’s face just so he doesn’t miss out on the tiniest details of his expression, so young and lovely, and everything Frank could ever dream of. Adam’s own eyes are shining and Frank can’t resist them, so he slides a hand over the back of Adam’s head and pulls him closer for another kiss.

Frank feels Adam spreading his legs further apart, sliding in between them like it’s his second nature, aligning their dicks perfectly. Nothing happens yet, at least on Frank’s side. Adam always needs more than one orgasm to feel satisfied and let Frank go, which Frank understands. When he was Adam’s age, he was very keen on getting it up so he could have another go. He knows how these things work, the same way he knows his own cock needs to rest before he can get it back in action. It comes with age.

He lifts up his hips, though, providing friction to Adam’s growing erection. Adam moans softly and leans in to kiss Frank again. Frank kisses back eagerly, lifting his hips up again, but this time he wraps his legs around Adam’s hips. They’re as close as they can be and, more than anything, Frank feels ready to spend the night with him. It’s about time he stops lying to himself and cuts the crap. He can do this.

\--

“Where were you last night?” Gerard wants to know. He was sitting in the kitchen, staring at the single piece of fruit he had selected for breakfast, when he heard the front door. Immediately, Gerard stood up with the apple in his hand and went to wait under the archway in between the kitchen and the foyer, until Frank found him there and apologized. “I was starting to think something happened to you.”

Last night, Gerard stayed up late waiting for Frank, on the living room couch. Frank had gone out before dinner to have an official meeting with the label execs and some of his colleagues, but promised he wouldn’t come home late. However, Gerard waited and waited, wrote over ten thousand words on his book and ended up deleting half of that, then tried to call Frank’s cell phone but he never picked up.

He spent the night worried, listening to Frank’s old bands’ CDs so he could be with Frank anyway and drinking every beer they had in the fridge. Kind of angry for still not getting any call from Frank, he went searching for that vodka bottle in the highest kitchen cabinet and felt like drinking it all in one go, but ended up taking only three shots.

His throat started burning and his head started pounding, and Gerard let himself pass out on the couch with the CD on repeat. He woke up a few hours later with a massive headache and a crick on his neck, but still no missed calls from Frank, so he turned off the stereo and went to bed instead. And he slept restlessly until early this morning.

“Did you go out with your pals?” he asks with blurry words. His headache is still strong, but he plans on alleviating it with an aspirin or two right after breakfast.

“I’m sorry I didn’t call you,” Frank replies, toying with the hem of his jacket. He looks up at Gerard, though, as he explains, “We had dinner at one of the suits’ house, and discussed business until late. Then one of the guys, Anton, you remember him? He told us about his new house and asked us over. We had drunk a lot during dinner, so we were kind of tipsy, then it all got worse at his place. It’s fucking huge, you know, and he has this practice room and a mini record studio in the basement, and everybody went nuts.

“We started talking about making music and trying a few things out at the studio, then Anton’s wife offered us some beer and told him to let us try whatever wine he had brought from France and fucking Brazil, so we drank some more. In the end, I was too drunk to drive back home. What if I got stopped by the police? So we just… stayed over, unofficially.” Frank sighs when he’s finished.

Gerard barely reacts, only looking up at Frank, chewing on his apple. He swallows, then says, “You could still have called. You always _forget_ to call me, Frank.”

“I’m sorry, alright?!” Frank replies, but Gerard shakes his head dismissively at Frank. It’s always the same thing whenever Frank goes somewhere and doesn’t tell Gerard where, and he never calls either. What can Gerard do, though? Frank approaches him and takes Gerard into the kitchen, where he puts down his briefcase and his jacket, then Frank sighs and looks back at Gerard. “You know business has been hard on us; the label is losing contracts, bands are breaking up or leaving to a corporative that pays better. We’ll go down easily if we don’t struggle, but all this stress made us get drunk so we could laugh about it. What’s wrong with that?”

“Nothing, and that’s why you don’t have to hide it from me,” Gerard protests, throwing the apple onto the counter, even though it’s only half eaten.

“Maybe you need to get out more,” Frank says, accusingly. Gerard gapes at him in shock, because they used to go out together, so why should they go out at night on their own now? After ten years of this relationship, Gerard never expected to hear this kind of comment. He lets Frank continue, though. “Or, write some more. It might help your anxiety issues.”

“I cannot write if I don’t know where you are. Don’t you remember how easy it was to write when you were at home, when we were together? You must remember when you were with me during the day and I barely slept at night because I was so goddamn inspired. What do you think caused _that_ , huh?” Gerard growls in his face, trying to make a point here. They have fought about this before. Frank always tells Gerard to write some more, but keeps forgetting who has been Gerard’s source of inspiration all these years.

Frank groans loudly in response, looking down and curling his hands hard around the back of a stool. His knuckles are starting to turn white with the strength of his grasp.

Gerard has more to say, though. “It has always been about you, Frank. Why are you so damn unstable? I thought you liked being with me, living with me, inspiring me to do my job.”

“I do, okay, I like this, but it’s been hard. There are too many problems in my fucking mind, I can’t focus. I don’t sleep at night, it’s like a side effect of all this stress,” Frank complains, looking up again and crossing the room so he’s standing on the opposite side of the kitchen island. That distance is obvious proof that this is a serious fight. When it wasn’t serious, they would come closer to each other and end up showing some affection to stop fighting. That isn’t happening this time, though. Gerard realizes that when Frank admits, “And you pushing me to try harder to just be with you, it’s not helping. It’s too much pressure and I can’t take it. I’m so fucking tired, Gerard.”

Gerard clenches his fists, exasperated over this conversation. This has always come to the same justification for Frank’s behavior. It’s always work, work, work, but in fact Gerard gets it. Frank has done practically nothing but work for over six months. There have been a few moments to themselves, but rarely. And Gerard needs those to happen again. He can’t find a reason not to be with Frank, unless Frank doesn’t want to be with him anymore.

Getting closer to Frank, almost getting in his personal space due to how hotheaded he actually feels, Gerard softens his tone to what he says next. There’s almost a hint of sadness in his voice when he asks, “Why is it always about your job? It’s like I don’t even matter to you anymore.”

“You’re not seeing this right,” Frank says, shaking his head. He doesn’t move his eyes away from Gerard’s, and Gerard feels like Frank is daring him to come closer and do something. “There isn’t a single drop of doubt in me about what we have. This isn’t about you, or about our relationship. It’s just—”

Frank finally closes his eyes, turning his face away from Gerard. He gives in to the pressure Gerard has been investing in. He wants Frank to look away, wants Frank to admit that there is something in him that can’t look at Gerard in the same authentic way he used to.

While Frank turns his face down with his eyes closed, Gerard sighs in a small moment of defeat, but he forces Frank’s face up again. He keeps his eyes closed, though. Gerard analyzes his face, the deep lines increasing in tension with every second, but it’s all the more difficult to resist the urge that lives deep in Gerard’s core.

He just leans in and kisses Frank.

At first, he fights against Gerard, with both hands on Gerard’s chest to pull him away, like he means to say that this won’t get resolved with kisses and a few apologies. But Gerard does not give up. He insists on kissing Frank, pushes him against the closest counter and deepens the kiss with everything he’s got. It’s only lips mingling, because Frank won’t open his mouth to let Gerard in, but it’s soft and tender and there’s the feeling of realization that Gerard wanted to get.

Soon, though, Frank starts surrendering to Gerard and they cling to each other. The kiss evolves naturally from there, with Frank’s mouth opening up eagerly to Gerard and letting him in all over again. This physical affection reminds Gerard that he can and will do anything to keep Frank with him.

In the end, Frank starts escalating Gerard’s body. Gerard feels like Frank is making a statement here, perhaps trying to prove that they’re still a couple. Gerard wants that. He wants Frank with him, despite every problem at work and every stressful day.

He wants Frank. He loves Frank. That is all.

Pulling away, Gerard remains attached to Frank, breathing against his hot, kissed out lips. Frank is doing the same, not moving one inch in any direction. This is the kind of intimacy Gerard has missed. It’s not only the physical proximity, but wanting to be close to each other, admiring each other’s actions and reactions. This is what Gerard needs in life.

“Can you focus on me before you go to work?” he asks, almost begs, in a whisper. Frank closes his eyes in response. “For a couple of hours? Please. I need you. I’m starting to feel a little lonely, okay, especially after nights like these. You’re barely at home these days. I miss you. I love you.”

“I know. It’s not a question of love,” Frank says, calmly now. “I’ve just been... busy.”

“Why can’t you get unbusy?” Gerard whines, leaning in even further to drown in the scent of Frank’s neck.

“Not right now,” Frank says, pushing Gerard away with two hands on his chest. He also uses his shoulders to push him away, and turns his face away when Gerard tries to kiss him. “I’ve got this terrible headache and I need a shower. Could you stop doing that?”

“No, I’m not gonna stop,” Gerard says, nuzzling his neck again. Frank keeps pushing on his chest, though, and Gerard gives up. Not without protesting, though. “I want you, Frank. It’s been a while since — You’ve been so awkward and unstable, it’s like you live on a different planet. I hate this distance between us.”

“I’m sorry, Gerard.”

“You haven’t been the same since last summer. What happened to you?” Gerard accuses him now. He knows he sounds ruthless, but he needs to be honest about this. He has admitted it to himself a long time ago, but it never came up in the middle of a fight; either that or Frank would change the subject. Maybe this is their chance to finally discuss this and get some conclusions out of it.

“What happened to you on that tour? Why have we gone downhill ever since you came back?” he goes on with the questions, getting them out of his head, his doubts off of his chest. At last. “Did you find someone else? Did you cheat on me in Europe? Is that it?”

“N-no, it’s not that. That tour was the beginning of the end for the label, and I’m fucking terrified. And going to Europe reminded me of—”

“What is it?”

“You don’t remember? Europe was the beginning of the end for our band, too. We had that horrible fight over there, we didn’t talk for days, even though we still had a few shows to play and we didn’t cancel, and then it was all gone. I miss it all. I miss the guys so much.”

“I understand that going back there affected you so much. We had a great time in the band, then it was over and five years later, you still miss it. I totally understand that, but I still think you could have opened up to me. You used to do it all the time. Why won’t you talk to me anymore?”

“I’d only depress you. You look up to our future so much and I just — I don’t know, I can’t phrase it right. Right now, it feels like it’s hopeless, like we’re hopeless.”

“Don’t say that, c’mon.”

“When was the last time we saw one of our dreams get closer to come true? A year ago?”

Gerard doesn’t react to that. He knows what Frank is talking about, but hasn’t dwelled much on it to avoid feeling depressed about it. Last May was when they decided to try to adopt. The reason why goes back way longer in time.

Both their mothers retired from their jobs and decided to team up so they could embark on this project to help single mothers, and Gerard and Frank spent some afternoons with them going to the social homes where those women were living. They ended up being entertainers for the kids mostly, although their mothers also enjoyed their little drama plays and the acoustic songs, and all the rest they did for them.

In the end, with the encouragement of their own mothers, Frank and Gerard decided to try to adopt a child themselves. They immediately started gathering information on the different adoption agencies in the state, then dedicated a few weeks to finding the proper references and choosing a few agencies. In the end, they ended up meeting with Ms. Kay Hummingbird, a social worker for one of those agencies, to gather all the information on how to adopt a child. They started filling out forms and being visited at their home a few days later, to make sure they filled all the requirements to become a potential fostering couple.

They succeeded in becoming so, but until now they’re still waiting for their turn. The agencies pre-select the couples, then call them when all the legal issues are resolved and they consider that the couples are completely ready to foster a child and eventually become full-time parents.

They have been waiting for ten months, though, not having gotten any affirmative call from the social worker; she’s only called once a month to report the bad news and make sure they’re still in on the run.

Gerard hasn’t forgotten about any of this. Just because they don’t mention it anymore, it doesn’t mean he’s not anxious about getting a goddamn ‘yes’ from Ms. Hummingbird. Well, Gerard isn’t really sure their current situation is the same as it was a year ago, when the social worker visited them regularly to trace their profile and to make sure they were ready to adopt, legally speaking. Still he wants a kid in their life, maybe it’s what is missing in their relationship.

“Why are you talking about this now?” he asks Frank, sighing.

“We were really excited about it, the same way you’re still very excited about us. At least you keep trying to pull me back to you and that’s amazing, but maybe it’s also been making me a little depressed,” Frank replies, looking down. Gerard looks in the same direction and sees him picking at his nails, either nervously or just at a loss for words.

“I need to get out of this ditch right now, I mean there’s work and all the emotional instability. Waiting to be an adopting parent has been weighing heavily on my mind, and it’s excruciating. Every single day – just the wait alone is beginning to take my hopes away. And we’ve been away from each other too, because of me, I know, but I think—”

“Shut up, Frank, you’re not making sense,” Gerard interrupts him brusquely. “You wanna focus on work? Then for god’s sake, do so. Keep yourself busy if that’s what you need to forget about this hopeless dream we started chasing last year. Just don’t shut me out. You still love me or not?”

“Of course I love you,” Frank affirms quite assertively, making Gerard think that this isn’t quite over yet. “It was never a matter of love, I’ve told you that before. I just don’t know how much longer I can wait for the right call.”

Gerard’s cell phone rings just then. He gazes at Frank first, who actually looks terrified. Gerard can imagine who would call him so early in the morning, so he feels pretty relaxed about it, but he can feel Frank’s nervousness irradiating from him. He gets his phone from the kitchen table and looks at the ID. He tells Frank, “Calm down. It’s only Marcy.”

He answers the call and spends some time speaking with his editor, filling her in on the progress he’s made with the book. It’s only business, and when he’s finished, he finds Frank in the bathroom, taking a shower. He will have to go to the label soon, for sure, and Gerard will spend even more hours alone at home. He thinks he needs to do something with Frank in order to keep the flame between them alive. He just doesn’t know what, or _if_ Frank will want it too.

Hopefully, he won’t lose Frank. He needs Frank in his life. There are a few reasons why they’ve been together for so long, and one of them is that Gerard is stubborn and will always fight for Frank’s heart. He also needs the inspiration Frank brings him, needs someone to live for. And maybe they won’t talk about the adoption issue for a long time again, or maybe they’ll be surprised. Gerard has no idea what could happen.

**

Ms. Hummingbird calls on the first week of March.

Gerard is home alone, at the kitchen island counter, eating soup for lunch. He cooked it himself and it should be enough for dinner, since Frank is coming home late from the label and leaving less than hour later for the club. They need something fast for dinner and there isn’t anything better than leftovers.

Anyway, Gerard is almost finished when he hears his cell phone ringing. He left it in the bedroom because Marcy called yesterday and probably won’t call for another week. That’s why he has no idea who could be calling him right now. Maybe it’s Frank, wanting to tell him something. He’s been acting pretty much the same way since they had that discussion about Frank coming home in the morning and then, about how demoralized he feels. So far, Gerard hasn’t pushed him into anything. If Frank wants to focus on work, Gerard will let him do so. He has told himself several times that, as long as Frank keeps coming home every night, everything will be alright.

Getting to the bedroom and picking up the phone from the nightstand, he looks at the ID caller and doesn’t recognize the number. When he picks up, he gets the surprise of his life.

“Hello, Mr. Way, this is Kay Hummingbird. I’ve got good news for you,” the woman says. Gerard gapes at the phone, not really sure he’s hearing right. It can’t be. “I’m calling to arrange a meeting with you and Mr. Iero. We’re finally ready to discuss further details about your adoption request. Are you still interested?”

“Y-yes,” he stutters, not really sure of what he’s agreeing to, or if Frank wants to agree with this. He’s following his gut, though, because that’s what he always does. “Yes, we’re still interested. Does this mean we get to—”

“It means you’re the next couple on the list to adopt one of our children. I would like to arrange a meeting with the both of you, sometime next week,” she says calmly. Gerard can’t do anything about his racing heart, and his agreeing hum comes out half stammered. “When will be best for you and Mr. Iero?”

Gerard can’t really answer that question. They haven’t talked about this in a long time and he doesn’t know when Frank will be free to meet with the social worker, so he just says, “Can I talk to Frank first, then get back to you with a proper answer? He isn’t home at the moment and I don’t know when we will be available to meet with you.”

“Well, of course. When should I expect you to call?”

“Well, maybe…” Gerard thinks about this. He’s going to try and talk to Frank about this when he comes home for dinner, no matter how quick it is. “He’s only coming home for dinner tonight, so I don’t know if I should be calling later than that.”

“I’ll be working until nine p.m. tonight, so you can call me at any time,” she says, sounding like she’s smiling.

“I shall do so,” Gerard replies and, soon, he hangs up.

Looking at his cell phone, he wonders how Frank will react when Gerard tells him about this call. Will he be excited or annoyed that it happened now? Gerard closes his eyes. Adopting a child may be a good thing; having a kid at home, someone to look after and to be responsible over, it might bring them together again, make them excited again. Gerard is looking forward to this, the same way he was a year ago, but he’s not sure about Frank’s opinion anymore.

He ends up calling Frank’s cell, but gets no answer. He tries again sometime later and still gets no answer. 

\--

“You’re not gonna answer that?” Adam asks, as Frank looks at the caller ID on his cell. He’s too busy now to answer the phone, so he ignores it again. It’s the fourth call in the last twenty minutes and, by getting no answer, one would think they’d stop calling. He puts the cell phone back on the nightstand. Then, he thinks twice about it and decides to turn it off for good.

He rolls in bed and settles on his right side, beside Adam. He says, “Nope. I’m hanging out with you and it’s not that urgent, so. I’ve turned it off, don’t worry. Now, where were—”

“Why didn’t you answer?” Adam asks, frowning very deeply. His whole face is expressive and Frank can easily tell he’s annoyed. When Frank tries to grab him again, to at least hold him for a little longer, Adam doesn’t budge. He actually pushes Frank back.

“Because I’m with you now, and I can call them back later. Don’t worry about it,” Frank replies, once more trying to hold Adam in his arms. Adam doesn’t let him and shows Frank a displeased look, like he’s sure that Frank is trying to pull the wool over his eyes. “It’s fine, Adam. Don’t think too much about it.”

Frank tries to kiss Adam on the lips, but Adam pulls away. He slides his hands on the mattress and sits up, keeping Frank’s mouth at bay. Adjusting the single sheet over his lap, he inquires, “Don’t try to pull this bullshit with me. Who was calling?”

“Some friend from work, maybe my _wife_ , does it matter?”

“But Frank!” Adam exclaims, throwing his hands up in the air. He has this very dramatic look all over him and Frank thinks it suits him very well. They need to use this kind of behavior more creatively. Still Adam keeps focusing on the phone calls Frank has ignored. “What if something happened?”

Not caring one bit about that, and knowing really well that whatever happened can wait until he’s done with Adam, Frank slides his arm under the sheet. His hand flies across Adam’s thighs, wrapping around one of them. He kisses Adam’s stomach here and there, squeezing the flesh in his hand, but Adam still doesn’t react. Instead, he asks, “Who knows you’re here with me, Frank?”

“No one.” It’s the truth. He hasn’t told anyone that he’s seeing Adam. No one really needs to know, in his opinion. Adam is his alone.

“You don’t speak about me? To anyone?” Adam insists, rolling his fists around the edge of the sheet when Frank tries to grab for it with his teeth. Frank sighs, thinking that today he needs to try harder than usual to get something from Adam.

“No, I don’t. You’re all mine, only mine,” he replies, in a low tone of voice. At the same time, he climbs up to Adam’s lap and leans in to kiss Adam’s mouth, even though he remains unresponsive. He just wants to ignore this conversation and enjoy his young lover.

“Why are you like this? You’re so awkward about some shit. You never answer your phone when you’re with me, you don’t tell me much about your past; it’s like something blocks parts of your mind when we’re together. And you close up when I question you about it. Are you like this with everyone?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Frank mumbles against Adam’s cheek. With his hands, he pulls the sheet back a little and settles his crotch on top of Adam’s, both naked. He’s hard and wants to get Adam hard too. It’s about time to engage in a second round. Frank has waited long enough. “Adam, c’mon, work with me. I’m trying to sex you up here.”

“It’s always about the sex, isn’t it?” Adam asks rudely. He pushes at Frank’s shoulders, saying, “Stop, stop, _stop_.”

Frank sighs and climbs down from his lap, sitting on the mattress next to him. He turns to face Adam, since he’s so fixated on talking this out. Usually it’s easy to make Adam forget about the conversations Frank doesn’t want to have. He’s young and always hungry for sex, sometimes even insatiable, but it seems like this isn’t one of those times.

“Talk to me. Tell me what’s going on,” Adam asks of him. “Last month, you told me you loved me. Now we don’t even talk about it. Are you having second thoughts about me?”

“No. I don’t have any doubts about my feelings towards you.”

“Then what is it? Why are you so afraid to love?”

“It’s… complicated,” Frank says, looking down. He’s got many issues with love, but doesn’t like to give them much thought. They have given him a lot of pressure in the past.

“But you can talk to me! Or do you think I wouldn’t understand?” Frank keeps looking down, playing a little with a corner of the sheet.

“I don’t wanna talk about it right now, but I don’t want to leave today in the middle of a fight with you. I’ll explain everything to you… someday,” Frank says. He’s not ready to tell Adam about any of this. He’s too young and doesn’t need something complicated to stress over when he’s in a relationship. Even a relationship as limited as theirs.

“When?” Adam demands, grabbing Frank’s arms. It forces the older man to look up and face him. Frank gulps at how strong and resolute his eyes look. He’s never seen Adam like this, maybe because he would always accept being kissed immediately. Frank has never seen Adam this determined about getting information out of Frank. “Who hurt you this bad? Frank, I—”

“Shh.” Frank shushes him and leans in to kiss him. It’s short and soft, but intentionally firm. He pulls back. “You’re going home for the holidays tomorrow and I want to dote on you before you leave. Do you mind?”

Adam sighs, nodding. “I want you to open up to me. Can you do that?”

Frank, in response, looks straight into Adam’s eyes. He takes a deep breath and decides that he could share a little of what’s bothering him so much about being in a relationship with Adam. It’s not the age difference or that he’s embarrassed. It’s something different. He starts by sliding a hand across Adam’s jawline, down his neck, across his shoulders. He’s so stunning and with no idea of what Frank really sees in him. Yet he’s decided to share a little of that with Adam. Frank sighs, then says, “You remind me of someone, but I don’t want to compare the two situations.”

“Is that why you love me? Because I remind you of someone else?”

“Of course not. I love you because you’re unique and no one else, past or present, will take away this adoration that I have for you. You’re beautiful, Adam. I love you, but I’m not ready yet.”

“Ready for what?”

Frank’s answer is a stroke of his palm down Adam’s chest. The sheet is rolled up around his knees, so he’s sitting there all exposed to Frank. He looks so good. Frank wants to memorize this image and carry it everywhere. Well, he does carry Adam’s reminiscence wherever he goes, sweetly buried in his mind. He loves this college boy very much.

His hand goes lower and lower. It’s nothing sexual right now. Frank just wants to drink in all this beauty that makes up Adam’s body. He’s angular and awkward, but that’s what makes him so amazing to Frank. He doesn’t like what’s normal and defined. He loves what’s flawed and satisfactory at the same time. He gets all of that from Adam alone.

“I can wait,” says Adam, since Frank keeps quietly looking at him and caressing his skin, from his chest to his thighs. “But I don’t know for how much longer. I need the truth. It’s all I give you, so I’d like to — never mind.”

Adam shakes his head and grabs Frank’s hand, as he reaches his left thigh again. Guiding it up his crotch, Adam says, “Just kiss me.”

Frank does, willingly. He doesn’t want to talk. He doesn’t like to think about this. What’s in the past should stay in the past, but looking at Adam’s face, kissing Adam’s mouth and even physically loving Adam’s body, it all reminds him of other things, other times. He should be able to forget and move on, but it’s impossible for him. Not talking about it is Frank’s way of keeping it at bay. It’s his favorite way to just be dedicated to Adam and his needs.

The next and last thing Frank knows about that moment is having really intimate sex with Adam. There are fewer moans and more caresses, as Adam squirms under Frank’s thrusts and never stops looking at him. He doesn’t want to let go and leave, but in the end, he must. He’s got other things and other people to attend to.

\--

Gerard is in the bedroom, feeling so stoked about this afternoon’s phone call that he’s just brimming with inspiration and is just writing and writing and writing. It may be because his brain is working on overload, after he finished those three beers and decided to finish the drinking session of this afternoon with a single shot of tequila. He found a bottle on a cabinet by accident, when he was looking for coffee. It made him feel edgy at first, but then he closed his eyes for a minute, imagined Frank coming home and the result is very clear now.

He just can’t stop the words. They flow through his brain directly to the tips of his fingers on the keyboard. He’s writing at a fast speed. He’s lost in a fantasy world where sleep deprivation is king.

He only notices Frank when he bangs the bedroom door closed. Gerard looks up and sees Frank approaching the bed, where Gerard is sitting down with his laptop across his lap. He sees Frank’s hips wrapped up in a towel, like he just took a shower and Gerard hadn’t realized he was home.

Despite all that, he shuts the lid of his laptop down and grins at Frank, who looks back very suspiciously. “Frank! You’ll never guess who called me this afternoon!” he exclaims, excitedly.

However, Frank’s response isn’t the warmest one. He barely hums, unwrapping the towel from his waist and letting it drop to the floor mindlessly, as he lays facefirst on the bed.

“Frank, are you alright?” Gerard asks, worried. He’s seen Frank tired before, but this is more defeated than anything else.

Frank turns his head to the side, freeing his face from the pillow and saying, “I don’t know. I had a fucked up day and the night might not be any better.” He stops, like he’s finished, but before Gerard can ask him what’s wrong, Frank is talking again.

“We lost two bands to Overdrive Records, and we can’t seem to sign in any more new bands. It seems like they’re only interested in money-making contracts with little to no interest of maintaining their own style. It’s really sad to see a corporative shitty label take over the music business, when it’s been so free and inspirational for years, and still successful.” He pauses again, taking a deep breath. Gerard observes him, laid on their bed on his stomach, with his eyes closed and his mouth contorted uncomfortably. It proves that Frank is only telling the truth about how shitty his day was.

“Then Richie called me, you know the best bartender I’ve got, who is so outgoing and talks so much shit, but convinces people to drink until they pass out on the curb outside. He calls me and reminds me that this is his last week at the club. He did warn me a couple of weeks ago that he was going to a job interview, something in his area of studies apparently which is rare these days. Now they called him, offering him a job and it’s not like I can offer him a raise and expect him to keep working every night. So basically I’ll have to work his shifts until I find someone new. And those interviews will take me a long time. I hate hiring new people.” Frank finishes with a sigh. He really sounds defeated.

“Damn it, Frank. That is seriously fucked up,” Gerard gives him, approaching his lain form and rubbing the small of his back. The skin isn’t as smooth as it was five years ago and the muscle underneath feels tense.

“Why do you smell like booze?” Frank asks, out of nowhere. Gerard had certainly not seen that coming, but apparently the smell is very strong on him. It’s actually pretty understandable. Gerard just hadn’t noticed, because he’s… most likely used to it by now.

“Well, I drank a couple of beers earlier. I was pretty excited about that phone call,” he replies quickly. It’s not like it’s wrong to celebrate, even if on his own; that’s what Gerard tells himself, at least. The look on Frank’s face isn’t the best one, but Gerard has seen it before, every time Gerard drinks booze in the middle of the day.

“C’mon Frank, don’t be like that. It was only a couple of beers,” he lies, knowing he’s grimacing instead of smiling, but does nothing to correct that. He hopes that Frank doesn’t notice, but he most likely will. He knows Gerard as well as Gerard knows him and his facial expression, but he isn’t going to worry about that. Frank just admitted to having a bad day and he’s going to focus on that. “What can I do to compensate for your bad day?”

“You can look a little less excited, if you don’t mind.”

“I will try,” Gerard tells him honestly. If Frank mistook his grimace for excitement, he’ll go along with it. He really wants to share the news about Ms. Hummingbird’s call, but Frank needs to relax first, so Gerard offers, “Do you want a massage?”

Frank doesn’t answer; he just sighs, but doesn’t move away, so Gerard will just do it. He gets a bottle of oil he’d bought when Frank was on that summer tour that ended up very badly for their relationship. This is the first time he’s going to use it, never having needed it before. Back to the bedroom, back on the bed, he gets down on his knees, one on each side of Frank’s hips, and oils up his hands.

The massage is slow, but he tries to take as much stress and tension as he can from Frank’s muscles. He’s very, very knotted, and even though Gerard is no master at massaging, he tries his best for Frank’s sake.

A few minutes later, Frank folds his arms under the pillow he’s got his head on and his whole body seems to have loosened up all of a sudden. Gerard smiles at that. His handiwork is, after all, successful. He likes listening to Frank’s deep exhales, as each muscle is worked over and loses several knots.

“I’ve needed this for so long,” he says, but it almost comes out as a moan. Gerard laughs a little, feeling flattered. Indirectly, he interprets those last words as a compliment that he’s doing a good job with the massage. “I had no idea you were good at this shit. Did you take a course when I wasn’t looking or something?”

Gerard laughs again. It’s nice to engage in a conversation that isn’t a fight. To him, it opens the way for the serious issue he needs to discuss with Frank, related to that afternoon call. For now, however, he keeps rubbing Frank’s back. But he replies, “No. The only thing I’ve got is this massage oil. I bought it when you went on that summer tour, you know. I’d thought about surprising you when you came back, but then everything went — well, you know what happened. I’m glad I got a chance to use it.”

“I’m very glad, too,” Frank says, humming low. His shoulders feel so soft now and, using his hands down his back, Gerard realizes that his muscles are tender enough now. His job is complete. He kisses a shoulderblade and climbs off of Frank. Frank sighs. “Thanks.”

As Frank doesn’t move at all, Gerard gets a chance to look at his nude body. He has missed these moments, with Frank looking very comfortable next to Gerard. It’s been too many weeks of awkwardness. It was about time they felt good beside each other again. Gerard smiles at this scene, lying back on top of naked Frank. Frank doesn’t protest.

He kisses the back of his neck, sweetly. Frank breathes deeply under him, his torso inflating with the inhale, then deflating with a sigh. Gerard places another kiss on his neck, another in between his shoulderblades and finally kisses a trail down to the small of Frank’s back. Frank doesn’t move, so he doesn’t stop either.

He goes back to massaging, but this time without oily hands. It makes his touch a lot rougher, as he massages down Frank’s thighs, then up to Frank’s ass cheeks. He kisses him there too, getting another relaxed sigh from Frank. He still doesn’t stop.

He tries sliding his thumb down Frank’s crack, as his palm lies across Frank’s right ass cheek, getting a hum as the immediate reaction. It makes Gerard smile.

“I need some love,” says Frank, as Gerard’s smile makes him pause a bit in his exploration. Gerard listens to him as he adds, “Have you got some love stored away for me?”

“I will always have love for you,” Gerard replies, still smiling. It feels good that Frank wants this from him, because he’s so willing to give in to every demand Frank has. It’s in his system to do anything Frank asks of him, and he will always do anything to have Frank back, especially when they need to be together so much.

Gerard spreads more kisses on Frank’s thigh, but decides to get a little bolder. He wraps his hands around Frank’s hips and pulls himself up, lying down on Frank’s back until he falls down on the mattress. Frank’s whole body is weak and pliant, and it makes it even easier for Gerard to mold it as he wishes. He presses them down against the bed, his whole front touching the back of Frank’s body, and his lips feeling up on the back of Frank’s neck. He tries kissing down to Frank’s shoulders and down his spine, but there’s something in Frank’s next sound that makes Gerard hesitate. He could practically feel the resistance on Frank’s muscles, the crackling of his bones and maybe even the prison and tension of his very thoughts.

Even so, he doesn’t dare to stop until Frank tells him to. Gerard keeps kissing down Frank’s back, caressing his body, doing exactly what Frank asked him to. Love him.

Frank doesn’t complain when Gerard touches his ass the way he’s always done, exploring and giving the best pleasure he can. Frank even sighs once or twice and he sounds pleased, so Gerard lies down on top of him again and rubs his crotch against Frank’s ass. It’s raw and natural all over again, Frank pressing back against Gerard too, so he does what he would have done a year ago. There’s no awkwardness and no distance in his mind, no resistance or disagreement, when he reaches into one of the drawers on his nightstand and retrieves a bottle of lube. It’s almost full as it’s been so long since the last time, but none of that matters.

Frank has his eyes on Gerard as he moves and uncaps the bottle, and they flick down to Gerard’s crotch when he removes his clothes and lubes up his own cock. Frank’s hands are closed tight around the bedding and they don’t really loosen up, but Frank closes his eyes the moment Gerard moves his slicked fingers to Frank’s ass again. His mouth is open ajar and there’s true bliss on his face, so Gerard moves back on top of him and hoists Frank up until he is on his knees. He takes a few deep breaths and closes his own eyes, not really thinking about it. He looks once again at Frank’s face, and although it looks closed up and tense all over again, Gerard gets a hold of his cock and lines up.

The first slide inside Frank is heavenly, a sense of comfort and normalcy, doing this after a relatively long time. They used to make love so often, always so fond of each other and pretty much insatiable, and that’s the idea Gerard focuses on when he pulls back out and thrusts in once again. Frank mewls, but it doesn’t sound like he wants Gerard to stop, so Gerard keeps going.

He is in fact doing something he always loved to do; being in bed with Frank during the past ten years has been quite blissful and has provided him with some of the best memories Gerard has. It’s the perfect combination of Frank and him, both bodies and souls intertwined in one single, singular moment.

At least until Frank buries his face on the pillow and mumbles something Gerard can’t understand. Before Gerard knows it, Frank turns his head to the side and says, “This is wrong.”

Gerard stops mid thrust and retorts, as assertively as he can, “How can it be wrong? You’re my boyfriend. You’re supposed to want me to fuck you. I’m supposed to want to fuck you. There is nothing wrong in this.”

“Yes there is,” Frank insists, pushing Gerard away and sitting up on the bed. His naked skin glistens with the oil Gerard used to massage his back, making Gerard look down at it immediately. He slides a hand across Frank’s stomach, but Frank grabs it and puts it away. “We have barely talked in weeks. And I need to work tonight, and tomorrow, and on Sunday. I’ve failed you a lot lately. Of course this is wrong.”

“But I miss you.”

“I know, but I’m not—” Frank interrupts himself to slide out of bed, walking to the closet to apparently get dressed. “I don’t think we should fuck.”

“You asked me to love you!” Gerard retaliates, trying to get Frank’s attention back to him. When it doesn’t work, he just asks politely, “Would you prefer if I did something else?”

“You have done nothing but love me for years. I can’t ask for sex when I’m barely in the mood myself,” Frank replies, putting a t-shirt on, as Gerard digests what he just said.

“Ah.” It’s the only thing Gerard can say at the moment. If Frank wasn’t in the mood, he shouldn’t have led Gerard to think that he was, that they could engage in something sexual and serious. It’s been so long and it didn’t seem impossible at all just now.

This situation saddens and disappoints Gerard very much and, for a moment, he’s back to his pre-Frank feelings. Back then, Gerard had his heart broken twice, after long relationships. For over two years, until Frank came into his life, Gerard thought that he wasn’t made to love, but especially to be loved in return. So of course he felt blessed when he found a true companion in Frank, by the time their band hit the tops and they got together for real. Now it’s been eight years and it feels like they don’t mean a thing.

Gerard shakes his head at himself and the situation he finds himself in right now, because he’s completely lost over Frank. These last months, however, have made him a little dubious about Frank’s own feelings towards him.

Frank clears his throat, suddenly, and Gerard looks up at him. Frank is now wearing pants, too. Gerard doesn’t stop picking at the bed covers, slightly embarrassed that he can’t get his cock down even after Frank’s refusal. Frank gets him out of his bad feelings, though, focusing him on something entirely different. “Why don’t you tell me about this call you had today?”

So they’re back to what Gerard meant to tell Frank as soon as he saw him in the house. It feels different now, because the previous disappointment is clearly blinding Gerard’s heart. He’s still excited, though, now that Frank wants to listen to him. He explains to Frank, “Ms. Hummingbird, from the adoption agency. She said we’re the next couple on the list. We can start visiting their kids.”

“What?!” Frank blinks at him. He looks honestly surprised, but Gerard can’t tell for sure if it’s in a positive or negative way. He can’t read through Frank’s walls now.

“Isn’t it wonderful?” he tries to get himself truly enthusiastic again. This is their dream come true, after all. One year later, they’re on the list to adopt a kid. It’s real now. “It’s been so long, we haven’t even thought about how much we’ve wanted this except last month. Now we can actually do this.

He takes a deep breath, analyzing Frank’s figure before he continues. Frank is just staring at him, his pants still unzipped and his body very stiff. Inhaling, Gerard concludes, “I think doing this might bring us back together.”

Frank looks thoughtful as he zips up his pants and throws a belt through its loops. Gerard observes, attentively, but can’t interpret his movements. They’re slow and careless, not meaning a thing. Finally, Frank looks back up at Gerard, saying, “But I’m so busy. I’m sure they’ll see that as an obstacle.”

“Well, I don’t know. We can either call Ms. Hummingbird and schedule a meeting, or tell her we want out. She’ll take anything for an answer,” Gerard replies, getting up. If he can’t get Frank excited about this, he won’t give it much thought for now.

“Do you… want this?” Frank questions him, looking slightly uncomfortable in his shoes.

Gerard turns to him and replies with nothing but the truth. “Of course I want this. I think it might be good for us. We’ve been away from each other. We’ve fought several times about it, but I don’t like this atmosphere between us. I love you and I want to be stable with you once again, whatever may come. I look at this call as an opportunity. It might bring us together a little more, if we set our minds to take care of a child.”

Frank nods. “Sounds good to me. Are we ready to adopt, though? I mean, you’re at home all the time and lately I haven’t been, and that can make things difficult, right?”

“Yeah, I suppose. I don’t mind staying at home,” Gerard says honestly. He will do whatever he can to be with Frank and no one else. He wants their old relationship back, careless and completely free. He wants to love and be loved without looking behind him with nostalgia. “I won’t mind looking after this kid we’re hypothetically going to adopt, as long as you come home to me before the night falls.”

“It’d mean to stop working at night.” Frank mumbles something else after that, but Gerard can’t hear him right. He’s looking down, rearranging his pants on his hips, then straightening up his shirt.

Gerard pauses, watching Frank turn back to the closet and get the olive green cardigan Gerard bought him years ago. He can barely believe Frank still fits in it, after all this time. Meanwhile, Gerard remembers something that might bring Frank’s interest back to their conversation. “Maybe not. You could come home between six or seven PM and stay until after dinner, or until we put the kid to bed. But maybe you could stop working at the club. We both know you profit enough to hire someone else and only go there once in a while to check things out. Even without adopting, you don’t have to work your ass off. Do you do it because I don’t have a full time, monthly paid job?”

“Of course not. You’re a brilliant writer and I’m proud of it. I just — you know me. I’d rather do things myself to make sure they’re done the way they should be done.” Frank grabs a jean jacket from the closet, one that used to belong to Gerard but doesn’t fit any more since Gerard started staying at home and put on some weight over time.

Gerard got up and kneeled by the foot of the bed, closer to Frank as he puts his shoes on. “No one is perfect, Frank. If you can let people work for you, why don’t you? Instead of hiring someone new to fill in the position Richie will leave behind, hire two people. Stay at home at night so we can fix our problems together. It’s the best way.”

Frank stares at him, thoughtfully, but ends up nodding. He agrees verbally, too, then adds, “I’ll see what I can do.”

**

At the office, sitting on comfortable chairs, Gerard is very nervous.

The last three weeks have been crazy. Gerard helped Frank at the club while he held interviews to find someone new to work there. Frank needed to fill in the position that Richie left behind and decided to hire someone else while he was at it. In the meantime, Gerard was not the best bartender in the world, but at least he could help with something. Most of the time, he was in the back, helping with the dirty glasses and organizing the stocks if there were many customers that night, but it was helping nonetheless. He felt good about that.

After the first week, Frank had his two new staff people and worked there with them to train them on every single trick about the club. Now that they were on the payroll, Gerard couldn’t help but hope that Frank started coming home earlier, and that eventually he won’t have to work nights anymore.

Right now, Gerard is nervous as fuck. It’s their second meeting with Ms. Hummingbird. The first one was two weeks ago, after Frank had dealt with those issues at the club, and they had to fill out more forms, answer more questions, do more medical tests. They’re now waiting for her, holding hands. This is quite an improvement for them, since talking has become comfortable all over again and Gerard holds no grudge about their previous months of fighting. Not since Frank started staying at home after dinner.

Ms. Hummingbird comes in, smiling, and sits down on her chair, on the other side of her working desk. She greets them politely and starts talking immediately. “It appears that everything is in order with your new reports. Almost one year after you first signed those requests to adopt one of our children, you’ll have access to the centers. This means you can visit as many as you want and meet the children, and eventually choose one of them to foster.”

“How does that work, though? We’ve read some information online, but it’d be better if you explained it to us,” Gerard asks, smiling back. This is exciting, knowing that they can finally start something together that might keep them close for so long.

“Well, you have the chance to foster a child for six months and after that time, you’ll have to fill out more reports on how things went during that time. If the child is over ten years old, he or she will have to see a pedo-psychologist to answer a few questions about the new family environment. Every couple goes through that phase,” she says comfortably.

Then, she shifts in her chair and puts her elbows on the desk, enlacing her hands. She continues, “In your case, you’ll have to do this three times, every six months and after that there’s more bureaucracy to follow to fully adopt the child. This will only happen, though, if the three reports are all satisfying, after being evaluated by a committee of social workers and the pedo-psychologist involved in the process.”

There’s a silent pause, then Gerard takes a deep breath and dares to ask, “What if they’re not… satisfying?”

“In that case, the child returns to our centers. No child leaves the system before twelve to eighteen months after they find a family. They can always come back.”

“So, every six months, for a year and a half, we’ll have to fill out reports, be evaluated by people who don’t know us and risk losing the child?” Frank intervenes, leaning forward. Gerard turns his head to look at his boyfriend, also interested in knowing the answer to that.

“I’d be part of the evaluating committee, of course, but I’m afraid so. You could always lose the child,” is all Ms. Hummingbird says.

“What happens to us if we get a bad report?” Frank continues. Gerard likes that he’s so involved in this. It is their dream, after all, one they decided on together a year ago. It still means a lot to them.

“In case of a bad report, even if it’s the last one of the three you’ll go through, you’ll have to wait another eighteen months before being able to foster another child. The whole process will have to be repeated, from these initial questions and tests to the six months reports.”

“Seriously?!” Frank retorts, sounding severely disheartened. Gerard understands that he’s freaking out about what Ms. Hummingbird is saying. It is quite scary, to find a child they like, then lose them because someone thinks they’re not good parents without even having been there to witness anything.

Gerard gulps, before intervening himself. “I’m sure you’re trying to make sure that it isn’t the wrong family, with particular problems, but doesn’t it put the children under unnecessary pressure?”

Ms. Hummingbird does not answer to that. She simply blinks at Gerard, then looks at Frank for a few seconds, before clearing her throat uncomfortably. Gerard doesn’t let her say anything, though, not before he comments on it himself. He says, “This is so wrong.”

He can see Frank nodding in agreement, quite assertively.

“The truth is,” Ms. Hummingbird starts with a sigh, staring at them fiercely, and opens up to them about what’s apparently bothering her. “Well, the system policy has two ways of dealing with adoption and this is the hardest one. This happens because the state laws have changed a lot since last year. They’re even more un-accepting of same sex couples, no matter how much some try to change that point of view.”

“Oh right,” Gerard steps in, scoffing. He’s always been very opinionated about this matter. “This is about being gay, not about protecting the kids’ rights at all.”

“Not exactly. Heterosexual couples still have to fill out the reports after six months, but the adoption process starts immediately and if the next report is satisfying, they become official parents. Same sex couples aren’t allowed to do it without at least a third report, and the committees can be very prejudicial,” Ms. Hummingbird admits, never diverting her eyes from theirs. Frank scoffs in return.

“That’s not really surprising,” he says, too.

Gerard decides to intervene as well, by saying, “This is the twenty-first century and, if we were straight, we’d adopt a child faster. A child who probably wishes for a family every single day.”

The discussion goes on, exploring that subject, then moving back to what they’ll have to do to choose a child from the agency centers. In the end, Gerard leaves the office very angry about the whole situation, wanting to fight for their rights. Beside him, Frank is apathetic; he showed his irritation at the adoption policies in the office, but now he’s mostly irresponsive.

This day, however, at the end of March, is the start of a new phase in their lives. Gerard sets himself on a quest and makes it very personal, wanting to fight to change this policy and the prejudicial disparities in this situation. He wants to at least be able to foster a child in the same circumstances as everyone else. He’s no different. _They_ are no different from a heterosexual couple. All the feelings are there. Gerard wants to be a parent, and he wants Frank to be a parent. He’ll do anything to adopt a child within the next year, without the risk of losing them because of some social reports that do not mean a damn thing. He was going along with the system, excited about turning this page in his relationship with Frank, but the system is trying to screw them up.

This day, however, is the first of many. He starts meeting with Ms. Hummingbird more often, and will eventually meet the adoption agency’s director and its representatives near the political services. He will talk to everyone he has to.

The first month is restless. Gerard writes on his book fiercely, starting in the morning, inspired by the extreme emotions toward Frank and the situation. He likes to do it while sipping on something and, while once it was coffee, for the past months Gerard has found something more attractive in beer. Every time he goes out shopping, he makes sure there are a couple of packs in his cart. He needs them when he’s writing; they help his concentration somehow.

Then, in the evening, when Frank is at home, they talk about what’s new in between them. Gerard has time and mental strength to forget his troubles for a few hours and just be with Frank again. He has wished for that, after all. The label is still sinking and Frank is still a bit depressed over that, but every evening Frank is there with Gerard and talks to him about it all unlike before. They’re opening up about things. They’re being boyfriends all over again.

Sometimes, Gerard gives Frank a massage if he’s too tired and stressed, and Frank also does it to Gerard if he’s spent the whole day sitting on a chair hunched over his laptop, typing up as fast as he can on the keyboard so as not to lose his ideas. They don’t go past that, though, no matter how much Gerard tries to engage Frank in something more. They simply don’t have sex anymore, their intimacy and tenderness doesn’t become any more physical than peck on lips and massages. But Gerard can live with that.

He focuses on the adoption laws and policies and, at night, when the world goes to sleep, he does research on which laws are being discussed, which ones can be next and which ones should be changed immediately. He was never into politics before, not this actively at least, but this situation changed his mind and thankfully, Ms. Hummingbird is helping. She’s got some knowledge in law, knows a few people in the field and is quite a solid orator.

April goes by easily and fast, Gerard never forgetting to fight for his rights, to write on his book and to be Frank’s boyfriend who loves him very much. Frank, though, starts changing again after that first month.

There’s some stress at work with the bands and a few of the other managers, and there are some complications at the club because someone is stealing materials from the back room, making them lose money. Frank thinks it’s one of the newest workers, but he can’t prove anything yet and it’s making him very anxious about the whole deal, which is, nonetheless, understandable.

First and foremost, he starts fighting with Gerard about how much he smells of beer. No matter how much Gerard tries to explain that drinking and writing is already a ritual for him, and that he can’t get the words to flow any other way, Frank doesn’t buy it. Every day, he says he doesn’t understand the need for alcohol, arguing that it’s just a habit Gerard is getting used to. Gerard knows all that, and he knows he can get easily addicted to it, and he knows he can die from it, but so far it’s the way to feed his brain with creativity. And he won’t give up on that.

“You do whatever the fuck you want, Gerard, just don’t try to talk to me with your alcoholic breath, alright?” Frank says frustratedly, putting an end to only one of their biggest fights about it. 

The next day, Gerard does drink, much more than he probably should, but it’s with intent. He wants to piss Frank off, because he’s been so off for months and Gerard wants to act the same. He knows he’s being petulant, but he’s tired of being the trophy wife in this goddamn relationship. He is not perfect, and will not give up on drinking beer for as long as it keeps bringing words to his book. He _needs_ it right now.

Frank isn’t the only one changing, after all. That thought actually comforts Gerard.

**

One day, Frank comes into the bedroom while Gerard is in bed, reading a magazine. He’s doing more research for his book, for the new chapter he’s been working on. Today he didn’t drink, because he didn’t feel like writing under the influence of alcohol. Well, he drank a beer with lunch, but that was it. Right now, he’s reading and he does not smell like booze.

He sees Frank walking in, and Frank says, “You need a massage. Lie down.”

“No, I don’t,” Gerard replies, putting the magazine down on his lap, still open on the page he’s reading. He watches Frank, who puts the bottle of massage oil on the nightstand. He places it down with a little thump, probably using more force than he intended to. While Frank turns back to him, Gerard lifts his magazine up and adds, “I’m doing research, Frank.”

“You can do research later, right?” Frank asks, letting one hand fall to Gerard’s shoulder, squeezing it gently. He leans down and pecks the top of Gerard’s head, then gets the magazine out of Gerard’s hands. Gerard lets him. He knows Frank well and his next tone suggests tiredness, as he says, “Lie down for me. I’ll be kind.”

“Why are you doing this?” Gerard asks, still letting Frank remove his t-shirt. His voice is soft on purpose, trying to get Frank to admit what he intends to do with imposing this massage on Gerard. He complies with him, only because Frank doesn’t look so good.

The answer never comes, so Gerard lies down as Frank lets his t-shirt slide to the floor and grabs the bottle of oil. He turns to lie on his front, waiting for the next move. He feels the cold oil on his skin as Frank squirts some directly from the bottle, but then he relaxes. If Frank wants so bad to give him a massage, if it will somehow help Frank get over his day, Gerard is not going to complain about it.

However, the hands on his back are not kind; they’re heavy and careless, moving harshly over the muscles. That makes the massage slightly uncomfortable, but Gerard doesn’t complain. Well, in fact he cannot complain because Frank hasn’t stopped talking yet.

He tells Gerard about every frustrating fight he had with the label execs about another band that broke up recently and they think it’s Frank’s fault for bad management; about how they’ve got no band to take to the upcoming all-state music festival and how they yelled at Frank like he had told the band to break the fuck up when they’re in need of a band. 

He tells Gerard about the new band manager the label hired, who apparently went to a fancy and expensive management college and wants to impose some modern ideas of management to the label, even though they’ve had the same work ethic for years; about how it makes Frank lose some bands because the kids don’t mind going to amateur open nights at the local theater like it’s the most important deal in the fucking universe, when Frank himself has always aimed higher than that.

He tells Gerard about the new staff member at the club that he thinks is stealing their shit, but no one has ever caught him red-handed, which is obviously pissing Frank off; about how he doesn’t need to reduce his profits because he hired a shitty worker who demands a higher payroll when he has no experience in the business.

Frank is almost yelling at this point, not talking to Gerard anymore, but to some _Brad_. Gerard thinks it’s the new thief he hired for the club, from the things Frank is saying out into the room while giving Gerard a ruthless massage. Still, Gerard takes it all because he knows that, after letting go of all these things, Frank will feel a lot better.

And Gerard wants him to feel good.

Then, Frank stops abruptly, stops talking and massaging Gerard’s back. Gerard cranes his neck in time to see Frank roll off of him and fall on the empty side of bed, burying his face on the pillow and screaming into it. Frank’s hands are rolled into fists on both sides of his head, on the same pillow. Gerard doesn’t know what to do, so he simply lies there beside him and rubs his arm, as caringly as he can.

Frank turns his head to the side, resting his cheek on the pillow now. His eyes are closed. He says, softly now, “I admit. I know what I’m missing here. It’s letting this frustration out with sex.” He sighs, then closes his eyes for another minute. Gerard keeps rubbing his arm, worried about this behavior. He’s never seen Frank like this, so tense and angry. He sighs.

Then, Frank sighs again and opens his eyes to ask, “How was your day, productive?”

“Yes,” Gerard says, moving his palm to Frank’s shoulder blade. He feels tension there and rubs the area softly, as he talks about his day, “I wrote about ten-k in one go and revised my next draft. I want to send it over right away, but Marcy won’t let me. She says it can’t be ready this fast, but I can’t help it. I’ve been—”

Frank kisses him.

It’s nothing extreme. Their lips smack for a few seconds, Frank’s face pressing against Gerard’s while their eyes never get to close down. Gerard might have done something with his face because the next thing he notices is Frank pulling back all of a sudden. It’s in the same manner he just kissed him, swift and unexpected.

“I had an awful day,” Frank says, with a sigh. He rolls over to lie on his back, looking up at the ceiling. When he closes his eyes, in a movement that is more sad than tired, Gerard touches him again. Frank never complains nor does he put Gerard’s hand away.

“You wanna talk about it?” Gerard asks when Frank’s eyes open up again. Frank turns his head to the side, staring at Gerard now.

“I just did,” he admits, giving Gerard a strange look. He goes back to lie on his side, Gerard’s hand moving with him and ending up cupping his ribs. Gerard caresses him there, gently. Those eyes boring into his right now, they’re Frank’s and no one else’s. They’re the eyes Gerard fell in love with, all those years ago. The same ones that taught him how to love and let himself be loved, in the most passionate way. This is one of the reasons why he hasn’t let go yet.

The surprise, a good surprise nonetheless, comes when Frank touches his face with one hand and asks him, “Will you fuck me instead?”

“That is so not romantic, Frank,” Gerard replies uncomfortably. The next thing he knows, Frank is advancing on him, climbing up his body. It’s like all of a sudden this is something they can start doing again just because Frank is frustrated about his day.

“I mean it, though,” says Frank, laying Gerard down on his back and covering Gerard’s body with his. It’s an intimate touch and, from this angle, Gerard has a gorgeous view over Frank’s renewed muscles on his chest and arms. Still after months of awkwardness and nearly no intimacy, Gerard can’t let this happen just because. He must be sure that he wants it, that Frank wants it as well and as deeply as they used to practice this. 

“C’mon Gerard, work with me,” he hears Frank say, which gets him out of his thoughts. Gerard notices that Frank is mouthing at his neck and collarbones, but it’s not making him feel excited at all. The kisses feel good, but it doesn’t make him feel anything in particular; it just feels soothing.

“No,” he finds himself saying, pushing at Frank’s shoulders to make him stop. He obeys. “Not like this. Maybe a cold shower will help you relax, and I can give you a massage later. You’re just — I won’t let you release your frustrations on me after so long.”

Frank doesn’t even bother to answer him. He just shrugs and gets up, sliding down the bed and irritably shedding his clothes off his body, while he says, “Fine, I’ll have a cold fucking shower. I’ll be right back.”

Gerard only sighs. When he’s angry, Frank can sometimes be quite difficult to understand, but if he relaxes some, Gerard knows he’ll feel better and will treat Gerard better. Things just look too bad right now, because he had a bad day, but it might still change. Gerard believes so.

Later on, Gerard leaves the bedroom to the kitchen to get something ready for dinner. It’s the same routine every day and he likes it. Routine means he knows what to expect of his day.

Frank is still in the shower, actually. It’s been over an hour and at times, Gerard could hear him yell at the walls or something else. There was a particular loud scream directly of Gerard’s name, but when he left the room and marched to the bathroom door, ready to knock on it, he heard a bit of what Frank was saying. He was just mainly mad at Gerard’s refusal to engage in sex, saying Gerard didn’t understand what a day he had had and how much he needed Gerard at the moment.

Gerard let him be and returned to the kitchen, until now. He goes back by the bedroom a while later, but doesn’t hear a thing. The water isn’t running anymore and Frank isn’t saying anything, so Gerard doesn’t feel as worried. It means Frank has calmed down and most likely relaxed in his shower.

Later that night, after dinner, Frank goes to bed immediately. Gerard stays in the kitchen tidying up, telling Frank that he doesn’t mind doing it on his own if it means that Frank will get some well-deserved rest. He even smiles at Frank while saying so, getting a smile in return. In fact, Frank has been much friendlier after he came out of the bathroom. With a wet head and a fresh smell behind him, Frank was quite joyful during dinner, talking to Gerard about his book. He had apparently released all the steam he needed to let go of in the shower. Gerard doesn’t tell him he heard some of it; it seems unnecessary.

When he finally goes to bed, after the kitchen is completely ready and he has even washed the floors because it was seriously needed, Gerard finds Frank lying in bed, but speaking on the phone. He doesn’t interrupt in any way, just puts on some pajamas and takes his laptop out of its case. He’s going to write some more.

Frank gets off the phone when Gerard is already at three thousand words. Neither of them says a thing, but Gerard does watch Frank as he gets up and leaves the room, only to come back a few moments later. They say goodnight to each other and Frank lies down in bed, on his side, turned to Gerard.

“You want me to take this somewhere?” Gerard asks, concerned that Frank might want to go to sleep right away. While he asks this, he brings one hand to Frank’s shoulder.

Frank looks up at him and, blinking sleepily as he says in a low voice, “Would you mind to give up writing and just lay with me? You said your next draft is ready, so…” He trails off.

Gerard nods and, after saving the document and making sure that he has two copies of it saved in different places just in case, he shuts the laptop down. He gets up to put it back on its case, by the dresser, then slides down into bed swiftly. He can’t wait to lie there next to Frank and spend a tranquil night next to his boyfriend, and in this soft, relaxed mood that Frank appears to be in, Gerard thinks they will most likely embrace for a while before falling asleep. And indeed he is right.

Nothing more happens. He just holds Frank there as he slowly drifts off to sleep. Gerard looks down at his face, softened by sleep, and feels like he’s the most fortunate man alive because he has a chance to watch this man so calm and unaware.

\--

In the morning, they end up having sex. Frank caught Gerard off guard, because he wakes up to Frank’s mouth on him and the most delicious sounds he has missed so much filling their bedroom. What comes next, though, feels a little awkward. It’s simply been too long and, although Gerard cannot deny how much he has missed this, he didn’t have a say in any of it. Frank is doing everything by his own will, sucking Gerard off until he’s fully hard, then slicking him up with lube, then sinking down on Gerard’s cock like they’ve just done that a couple of days ago and it’s completely normal.

It is normal for two boyfriends to have sex, but not like this. That’s just it. It’s been weeks since the last time it felt completely normal, but Gerard can’t really stop it now. Frank’s riding him fast and loud, and Gerard doesn’t have the guts to tell him to stop. He’s enjoying this, but only physically, when he should also be enjoying it with his heart. That’s what hurts the most. This sex feels almost empty.

They don’t even talk. Frank does his business, makes Gerard orgasm, comes on his own without requesting any help and without letting Gerard wrap a hand around his cock. Then he gets off of Gerard, gets down from the bed and heads straight out of the room. Gerard lays there, in his bed, his pajama pants rolled down his thighs and Frank’s ghost hovering over his limp dick. He looks down at himself and feels very disgusting.

When Frank returns to the bedroom and barely looks at him, Gerard goes for a shower. There has never been a morning as awkward as this, and they really need to figure their shit out soon. Gerard will even yell at Frank to get them over this slump in their relationship if he has to.

Coming back, he can’t find Frank anywhere. There’s a note on the kitchen table, scribbled quickly on the back of a letter they received just last week, in which Frank claims to be in a hurry for a meeting. Gerard lets it go because today feels bad enough already. He might as well go back to sleep after breakfast. Maybe he’ll forget everything that happened.

**

This was one of the many awkward days Gerard and Frank’s relationship has been going through. Those days bring more awkward sex, with Frank coming home some days and blowing Gerard just because he feels like it, other days he comes home and undresses himself, telling Gerard to fuck him _now_ , and some other days he comes home and goes straight to the shower.

Those awkward days also bring more fights about the amount of booze Gerard is buying and drinking by himself. Frank knows somehow that Gerard started buying more and more hard liquor, apart from the twelve packs of beer, but Gerard doesn’t admit to having done that. He doesn’t feel like he has to, because if Frank doesn’t tell him what’s bothering him so much anymore, he won’t do it either.

He never asked for this behavior and, even though he questions Frank about it, Frank never tells him a fucking thing. It’s distressing, because apart from the random and almost forced sex and the fights about the booze, they hardly speak to each other.

Gerard has no idea what’s going on in Frank’s head or in his life, and that is scaring him. They need to be together now more than ever, with all the research Gerard has been doing on those adoption laws and with the whole point of meeting with Ms. Hummingbird and her contacts at adoption agencies. Gerard is doing this so that they can adopt a child together, so it would be pretty disappointing if Frank suddenly decided he doesn’t want to do this anymore.

One day, during dinner and because Gerard had been on the phone with Ms. Hummingbird earlier, he observes Frank and his attitude today. It seems like a good day, since there hasn’t been any awkward sex or any fights, and Gerard relaxes a bit in his chair and decides it’s time for a change. He starts by asking, “Frank, does my drinking influence your mood at home, or is there something else? I know I’ve been drinking more, but you know why I do it. I need it, and it doesn’t even affect me that much anymore, but I wish you’d feel good at home again. Is there anything I can do to help?”

Frank looks at him, quite surprised. Gerard smiles lightly at him, wanting to seem hopeful. He doesn’t want to be a bad boyfriend, the same way he doesn’t want to be a lonely boyfriend. There are two parties in this relationship, and they haven’t really been compromising for each other’s sakes in a long time.

“The drinking does affect me. I don’t know if I should be angry or disappointed,” Frank says, much to Gerard’s dismay. It is true that today he hasn’t been drinking at all, having spent most of his day focused on Ms. Hummingbird and adoption, instead of writing for his own book. “Today feels a little different to me, though.”

“I was thinking the exact same thing, actually,” Gerard admits, smiling wider now. Since he caught Frank on one of his good days again, he just blurts out, “We need more days like this when everything feels clear in my head. I didn’t drink a single drop of alcohol, and I’m still kinda happy and inspired.”

“I’ve been thinking about that kid the whole time, it seems so unreal at this point,” Gerard continues, the words just coming out instinctively. “Have I told you that Ms. Hummingbird said we might be able to foster a kid before the summer? It’s been a month of fighting and the summer is only another month or so away. I’m very excited about this.”

Frank practically chokes on his food at Gerard’s words. That makes Gerard frown a little. He hasn’t expected that kind of reaction. Tonight’s dinner has been quite nice for them, and they have both agreed that it is a good day, so Gerard doesn’t understand why Frank is acting that way. “Are you okay?”

“Is that all you think about?” Frank asks, almost angrily, throwing his fork down all of a sudden. It hits the plate and clinks against the porcelain, making a loud noise that echoes in the otherwise empty kitchen. It makes Gerard jump in his seat and drop his fork as well. Then, Frank explodes into a yell. “You’ve never been into politics before and now you’re completely obsessed with fighting for gay people’s rights or whatever.”

“Well, I’m _not_ sorry I’m fighting for our rights. We wanted to adopt, so I’m trying to bring a child home as soon as possible,” Gerard explains, carefully now, not wanting to fuel Frank’s anger any more. They need peace and quiet, not more fights. He hesitates for a moment, looking at the angry set of Frank’s lips before asking, “Don’t you — want to adopt anymore?”

Frank doesn’t answer. He just looks at Gerard in a disapproving manner and Gerard drops the issue. They stick with eating their food and, later on, Gerard goes over to his laptop to keep himself busy online while Frank goes lie down in bed, having complained of a headache.

**

After three days of coming home from work to fight about adopting a child in the summer, on the last day of May, Frank storms in to the bedroom. Gerard is there, just lying down because he had some meetings with his editor and publisher today about the progress on his book and it took over four hours to discuss everything, so he’s sporting a massive headache. He even took an aspirin to help, which he rarely does.

Frank storms in to the bedroom, startling Gerard. He opens his eyes and sits up slowly, rubbing one hand over his face, as he watches Frank unwrap a towel from around his hips and grab some clothes from the closet. He’s saying, “I’m going to the club tonight. I’ve got work to do, and there are only so many days I can stay away from it the whole night.”

Gerard processes the information slowly and, today, with this massive headache and after three days in hell fighting for what he wants, he’s too tired to protest – he simply gives in. He lets Frank go. Maybe working will do him good and Frank will come back home with more days of good moods. Gerard hopes so, so he just hums in reply.

Frank adds, “Today is Jim’s birthday, so we might be open until later. Don’t wait up.”

For the first time in weeks, Gerard doesn’t really care. He lies back down and thinks about getting a shower, or perhaps a nice, tranquil bath while waiting for the aspirin to take effect. For once, he doesn’t want to wait up for Frank. There’s no need for more disappointment in his life.

**

Frank slides both his hands under Adam’s t-shirt and pulls it up over his head. Adam’s skin is really pale and smooth to the touch, and Frank fell in love with it from the very beginning. His hands slide so silkily around Adam’s ribs and up across his chest as they make out ravenously. Tonight Frank came to Adam’s alcove studio in a frenzy, thinking about it one minute and picking up the phone in the next. Adam said yes immediately.

Pulling back from the kiss, Frank gasps in a breath and speaks, in almost a whisper, “Why did you have to go home for so long? I was a mess here without you.”

“My dad was very ill, Frank,” Adam responds in a soft voice, rubbing his hands up Frank’s nude arms, then down his back. Frank closes his eyes, accepting the caresses and listening to the rest of Adam’s answer. “He’s very fragile emotionally, so I had to stay through his recovery. I’m sorry I didn’t warn you in advance.”

“What about college?” Frank inquires curiously, pushing Adam on his shoulders until he’s lying on the bed. He slides his hands over Adam’s stomach, caressing, enjoying the soft skin while he kisses here and there on Adam’s collarbones.

“I did some work over e-mail. My teachers were aware and pretty understanding,” Adam replies, wrapping one hand around Frank’s neck, pushing Frank’s face closer and in any direction he wants. Frank lets him guide his kisses.

“What about me?” Frank knows he’s almost whining, but it’s probably because he’s so emotionally wrapped into this night with Adam. They’ve been away from each other for two weeks and Frank has missed him very much. He missed this proximity, this loving exchange of words between them all the time.

“You felt bad when I wasn’t here?”

“I was practically alone and, when I’m Adam-deprived, I yell at everyone for stupid things. I pissed my boss off a lot. I was on the edge of getting fired, I believe,” Frank says, pulling away from Adam’s chest and looking into his eyes. He whispers, “You have no idea how much I missed you.”

“I’m sorry,” Adam puts in, sounding really sorrowful. Frank looks into his eyes and reads every emotion. He can feel the force of Adam’s affections, the force of his love for Frank. It’s been a long time since they met, since the very first time they kissed each other, and Frank feels like he knows Adam better than anyone else he’s ever known.

“I’m sorry I couldn’t talk for much longer on the phone, even though we spoke every night,” Adam adds, pulling Frank down to his chest. Frank kisses him there and slides Adam’s underwear down his hips. Adam helps.

“I know, your dad needed you,” Frank tells him at the same time. He’s watching his hands as he brings the yellow-colored briefs down Adam’s legs and off his feet. He throws them to the floor beside the bed. Looking up, he sees Adam smiling at him, gently.

Frank crawls over him again, covering Adam’s naked body with his. Frank still has his pants on, as he says, “I can understand that. He’s the most important person in your life.”

“But you’re up there with him!” Adam exclaims, grinning. Frank laughs at his quick but sincere reply.

“You’re too sweet,” Frank whispers against his mouth, smiling, but drowns his grin in their next kiss. They make out for a long time, just their mouths and their bodies, and hands exploring skin.

Frank lets himself be led by his emotions. He forgets everything else when he’s with Adam, or more accurately, Adam helps him forget everything else. When Frank got together with Adam, Adam became the center of his world – and nothing else mattered. Even if Frank’s world was shattering, Adam would still be there – a solid and reassuring presence. Frank knows this very well.

He feels Adam’s hands moving down his sides, around the small of his back, directly to the front of his pants. Frank pulls away from the kiss to tilt his hips and help Adam remove his pants and black underwear. When they’re both naked, Frank smiles at Adam and lies on top of him again. His skin feels very warm against Frank’s and Frank kisses him all over again. This time it’s thoroughly. They explore each other’s mouths fast and eagerly, until they’re breathless and pulling back.

“This isn’t just an affair, Frank,” Adam says, panting. Frank feels Adam’s chest rising and lowering under his own. He looks down at their chests together, then up at Adam’s eyes as he declares, “I love you so much.”

“I know, I love you too. I’m hooked on you,” Frank says, smiling gently. The reference makes Adam smile too. Ever since the last Halloween, Frank has been using that same caring allusion to Adam’s awesome costume. “I need you in my life. It goes fucking ballistic when I’m not with you. You make me forget everything, so please make me forget now…”

“I’ll make you forget everything alright…” Adam says, quite sensually, making Frank groan and roll his eyes to the back of his head.

Pressing his mouth against Adam’s all over again, they make out heavily and soon Frank is the one lying down on the bed, on his back. He has his hands squeezing Adam’s shoulders and his legs wrapped securely around Adam’s hips, as Adam fucks him gently. They want to take their time tonight, after weeks away from each other while Adam was out of town. Tonight it’s not the sex that matters, it’s the meaning.

Frank arches up onto Adam when he leans forward and whispers in Frank’s ear how much he loves him, describing in detail all the things he wants to do to Frank tonight. They’ve got the whole night to themselves, because Frank has become addicted to spending the night with his young lover. He thinks their connection is beautiful, not having felt it this strongly in a long time.

Frank looks up at Adam and watches his face shift beautifully with every emotion they share, with every thrust. He looks so focused and beautiful and exactly what Frank needs, because he’s young and determined and doesn’t question Frank when things go really crazy and he’s barely himself. Frank wants Adam, not anyone else.

He proves it tonight with more tender sex, the next time with Frank fucking Adam while he’s on his back, before they relax and cuddle together, and then Frank leaves after midnight. 

The following day is Friday, and while everybody else goes out to have some fun, they have their own fun in Adam’s bed. It’s not about the feelings anymore, and the sex is raw and powerful. Frank fucks Adam twice in a row and afterwards he’s exhausted, but that’s okay because he planned to stay the night with Adam again. They fall asleep soon and for some reason, Adam wakes him up before dawn to fuck, and when they’re done, they watch the sun rising through the buildings outside, curled up on the couch by the large window.

After these two incredible days, Frank spends a lot more time at Adam’s place. It’s not every night because Frank has to work early every weekday morning and Adam has his classes, but Frank buys him dinner often and watches Adam as he studies for his exams. He loves watching Adam; he’s figured this out while he spends so much time there. No one else in his life means as much to him as Adam does at the moment. He wants to run away in his arms.

Every time he’s at Adam’s studio, Frank turns off his phone to not be bothered by unwanted calls, as he insists on talking with his lover, and feeling, and loving, and eventually drowning their emotions in bed.

**

Weeks go by like this. Frank goes back to working at the club, like all those fights with Gerard made him forget everything they had talked about. This time, though, Gerard has no guts to follow him. He also trusts Frank. He wouldn’t cheat on Gerard despite his anger or whatever he’s feeling at the moment, and he comes home practically every night, no matter at what time. Well, except on Friday nights, but it’s most likely because the club is busier, or because he had to take care of important managing issues.

And besides, Gerard is busy with his own matters. Not only his book is growing larger every day, much to Marcy’s shock every time she calls and Gerard has a new draft of ten thousand words to send her, but he’s also busy with the adoption issue.

He wants this even if it kills him. Even if Frank bails out on him.

**

Weeks and more weeks go by. Time doesn’t matter, but soon it’s late June.

“Don’t go home,” Frank tells Adam, thrusting up to meet Adam’s hips as he rides Frank’s body. They’ve had so much sex lately that it seems impossible to Frank.

“Don’t go home, stay here with me,” he insists, panting, but still turning them around until he’s on top. Adam rolls his eyes and closes them next, taking Frank’s thrusts.

He doesn’t reply. He just hums and mewls and moans, and it’s almost visceral; things have become this way ever since Adam told Frank that he would have to go home to spend the summer with his father. Frank doesn’t want to let him go.

He stops for a second, panting heavily and pulling out. “Turn around, get on your knees.”

“Are you going to punish me with sex because I have to spend the summer with my dad?” Adam asks, panting as well. His voice is hoarse, though, probably because of all the moaning from their sex. He obeys, nonetheless, turning to get on his knees, hands supporting him on the headboard of his bed.

Frank positions himself behind him, sliding in immediately. He wants to forget about that for now. Thankfully, there’s a lot going on to help him forget, and Frank dedicates himself to fucking Adam hard, but he’s older and weaker. Soon his stomach is bubbling, his eyes roll into the back of his head and he comes in the next minute.

He whimpers Adam’s name repeatedly and slows down his movements, but doesn’t want to stop moving until he sees Adam orgasm on his own. He’s not going to help. He just falls down on Adam’s back, trying his best to keep thrusting forward.

Soon Adam flops down on the bed, bringing Frank down with him. Frank can’t be sure if he’s moaning or if Frank is imagining it. He’s totally out of his mind right now.

When things are calm again, they lie on the bed, boneless, kind of out of breath. Frank turns his head to the side and sees Adam smiling, even though his eyes are closed. He knows Adam is contented and pleased. Frank never ceases to surprise himself every time he manages to make Adam look like this.

The next day, Frank gives himself an afternoon off from work. He decides to buy Adam lunch, not wanting to be at home until later tonight. He surprises Adam with his call around eleven a.m., but Adam doesn’t say no.

The day is quite sunny, so they share a large veggie pizza on the pizzeria’s outdoor seating. They talk throughout the whole thing, Adam telling Frank about his final exams and how he’s excited that another year at college is over. He’s really close to graduating and to finally being able to go find a fulltime job rather than the useless hours he’s been working at the bookshop on campus. Frank is impressed about this as well, remembering how he dropped out of school in his time. He talks about this with Adam, who listens carefully as Frank talks about pursuing a dream of being in bands. “My dream was crushed early, though, and I never went back to school.”

“How did you end up working in the music business, though? Don’t you need a degree to be in a managing position?” Adam asks carefully, sipping on his glass of lemonade.

Frank blows the smoke out of his mouth, ready to reply. He sees Adam watching him carefully, lips pursed in disapproval. Frank had stopped smoking when he started seeing Adam, because he asked Frank to try to quit. When Frank asked him why, Adam went on about his father and how, a few years back, he had to struggle with a serious lung infection due to smoking. Since Adam was so worried, Frank decided to try to stop smoking, just to see if he could be successful. And he actually was, until he couldn’t take any more stress from work and returned to his old habit a couple of months ago. He rarely smokes in front of Adam, though, unless they’re outside like this.

Frank nods in response to Adam’s previous question. “I accepted an offer from the label I had been on with my band. They had this new thing going on, a professional study with a few courses available, so I took the chance. I studied with them and became their manager, learning the ropes and working hard to improve with time and experience.”

Adam hums and says, “That’s nice. And I know you love what you do, so.”

Frank grins at him, blowing the last smoke cloud in the opposite direction and crushing his cigarette butt on the ashtray he had brought out from inside the pizzeria. They end up talking more and more about Adam’s college years and what courses he still has to take, and which are the ones he’s most excited about. They don’t stop talking until it’s time for Adam to go back to his classes.

Frank walks him there, seizing this opportunity to talk to Adam about what he really had in mind to tell him when he invited him for lunch. He says, “What would you say if I wanted to come with you to New Jersey?”

Adam turns his head to him and blinks, repeatedly, looking slightly dumbfolded by the question. “What do you mean?”

“Can I come home with you?” Frank rephrases his question, realizing that going straight to the point is much easier with Adam. There’s no need to make it complicated when he just wants to go home with Adam and spend the whole summer with him.

“You wanna travel across the country with me?” Adam questions, arching his eyebrows.

“Yeah. I was born on the east coast and I miss it after all these years, you know? Maybe I’ve been lying to you when I say I don’t want to go back. San Francisco has brought a lot of wonderful things to my life, but ever since I met you I’ve found myself thinking about home a lot more often. If you’re going to Jersey for the summer, I want to come too. I could go visit my mom and my dad, and I could meet yours, right? He doesn’t sound too bad.”

“He’s not, but what about…” Adam hesitates, blinking again. “What about your life here?”

“There have always been awesome bands on the east coast. I could work from there, the label is nationwide. And the club, I could sell it or name someone else to manage it, I’ve done it before. When you’re in college, I could travel back and forth on the label’s payroll, find more bands, get even better at it, come stay with you most of the nights, then go back to NJ with you and find more bands there. I can do that. I can stop being a full time manager, change a few things on my contract, and come up with a whole new position in the label. I’ve been working for them for long enough to enjoy certain privileges,” Frank answers, talking fast and excitedly. He really believes in what he’s saying.

Adam smiles, too. “And do you want to come meet my dad? You want to make that commitment to me? Because I love you, but we’re gonna have to reach a whole new level of mutual knowledge and everything else in this relationship. It’s a big step. We’ll have to admit that we’re together, Frank.”

“I know, and I’m sure of what I’m saying. I’m giving up on being miserable here. I want to come with you. I might risk everything I have right now, but I don’t care. I want to be with you, because to me this is more than just an affair,” Frank explains, slowly this time. He’s excited, but can contain himself when needed.

Adam grins in response, stopping because they’ve arrived at his studio. He just needs to grab his things and then he’s off to class; it’s the same routine every time they have lunch together. Frank holds his hand and walks with him into the building, then goes up to the alcove studio on the last floor. Once in there, he pulls Adam into an embrace, kissing his mouth decidedly. Pulling back only because they have to, Frank says, “Just imagine. I’ll meet your dad, you’ll get to show me off and I’ll get to sex you up at home. How close to your dad’s bedroom is yours?”

“If you’re going to embarrass me, I’m not taking you anywhere,” Adam threatens with half a laugh.

“As if you could leave me behind,” Frank says playfully. He grins wider when he hears Adam laughing. He loves that laugh, so cheerful and laidback.

“Just shut up and kiss me already,” Adam mumbles next, turning Frank around to do just that. Frank loves this day.

**

The second Friday of July, Frank is sitting on a plane next to Adam. He spent most of the week talking to the label’s execs, working on his contract and negotiating some of the details. He was pleased that it had gone pretty well. He had tried to make careful and prudent suggestions that would benefit the company, and the label didn’t refuse his suggestions, saying that they didn’t want to lose a valuable asset like him. He was pleased that they could reach an agreement on something that would work for both sides. He’ll be in the east coast for the holidays and in the west coast for the rest of the year, with Adam.

At the club he’s had for over five years, he assigned a new manager, let them hire another person to work the nights, and arranged things so he could track the club’s progression at a distance. He left everything well taken care of so he could fly across the country with his boyfriend with no worries.

Frank smiles at Adam when the idea crosses his mind. He did all this unnoticed and hopefully, no one will bother him about his choice. He feels happy about what he did, and relieved that his life is about to change for the better because of this younger man beside him.

They caught the nine a.m. flight directly to Newark International and fall asleep as soon as it’s safe enough to unfasten the seatbelts and get comfortable. Frank wakes up and adjusts his eyes to his surroundings, making sure he knows where he is and what he’s doing. It was such a busy week, preparing everything to leave the west coast and preparing his own mind, that every time he slept, he felt like he didn’t belong. But when he looks to his left and sees Adam sitting there, reading a book, Frank knows exactly where he belongs.

After Frank rubs one hand over his face, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes and stretching as best he can in the cramped seats, Adam offers to share his book and Frank accepts it, but soon they’re just talking about New Jersey. Frank gazes into Adam’s gleaming eyes as he asks, “You excited about going home?”

“Partly, yeah. I left some bad things there, when I went to the west coast, but mostly I’ll have an opportunity to see my family again. I called my dad earlier in the week and told him. He was so excited,” Frank replies, grinning mischievously. “The best part is I didn’t tell my mom I was coming. I mean, I told her I _might_ come during the summer, but I want to surprise her.”

“When was the last time you saw them?” Adam sounds curious.

“Two years ago. I’ve never gone back home, but my mom usually came over every couple of years; my dad a lot less often, but we’ve managed to keep a nice relationship.” Frank satisfies Adam’s curiosity.

“I can’t imagine my life without my dad,” Adam comments, looking down at his hands. He’s spinning a water bottle at a slow rhythm. “I don’t have anyone else. I mean, I’ve got you now, of course.”

Frank smiles, covering one of Adam’s hands with one of his. He caresses his thumb over Adam’s knuckles, saying, “At least you found a good father after what happened to your mom.”

“Yeah, but you know,” Adam starts, looking back up. He turns his gaze to Frank and flashes his big smile at him. He looks content, undoubtedly. “That’s in the past now. I’m happy and it’s not good to ruin that with sorrows from the past, so no matter what happened to you on the east coast, leave it behind when we get there.”

“I’ll try,” Frank gives him, smiling back. He pecks his lips too. “I’ve promised you that already.”

Adam slides one hand under Frank’s jaw and brings his face close, kissing Frank fully on the lips. They’re silent for a while, feeling each other in that kiss, until Adam pulls back and asks, “You sure you don’t wanna talk about it? We’ve got a couple more hours in this plane before you get to confront the mighty east coast again.”

Frank laughs at Adam’s comical tone, then says, “It wouldn’t hurt, would it?”

This makes Frank realize that he’s about to share a part of himself with Adam that he never spoke of in the last ten or fifteen years. He’s been hiding from his past so effortlessly for too long and had never met anyone who deserved to know the truth as much as Adam did. He’s the kind of person who respects Frank in every decision, who puts his soul into everything he does, so Frank can’t keep hiding things from him. He has to share in the same way.

Looking down at his hands, then back at Adam’s expectant eyes, he starts talking.

“I lived in New Jersey until my thirties. I was in a relationship and we were kind of happy, but we were living under some pressure. We’d been — well, _he_ had been fighting against the law so we could adopt a kid in the same conditions as a heterosexual couple, but he became obsessed with it. Then I was stressed about work and things started going downhill for us. We started fighting about every little thing, I started sleeping less and less nights at home, you know, the usual mistakes that happen when a couple’s fighting.”

While saying this, Frank looks carefully at Adam, trying to catch his reaction, but he’s just listening closely. He doesn’t seem affected by any of it, just taking this story from Frank’s past naturally. Frank smiles at that, but then his tale goes on. “Well, we did manage to foster a kid for six months, but it was overwhelming in the worst way possible. The law at the time made every single person fill stupid reports and answer stupid questions made by people who hadn’t even been there to see us with the kid, y’know?”

“You loved that kid?” Adam asks, intervening at last. Frank sighs, thinking about what to reply. He remembers exactly what he felt at the time.

“Yes. When we adopted Jordan, our lives changed again. I swallowed my pride and came back home every day before six PM, and taking care of a child became a routine. It was stressful at some points, but we had each other. He’d said that fostering a child would be good for us, and it actually was. I was ready to get back a hundred percent to our relationship, and he was ready to forget everything that had happened in the previous year as well, but the adoption agency set us up.”

Frank takes a deep breath, reliving all the things he went through back in the days fighting for little Jordan. He takes Adam’s hand in his as he says, “You see, Jordan was three years old, but was a very sickly kid and we had several trips to the hospital. When they formed the committee to evaluate our first six months as foster parents, they took knowledge of those events and thought it had been our fault. They didn’t even think it was a physical condition. They assumed we were to blame for the several times we had to take her to the hospital, so they took her away from us.

“Afterwards, we had very difficult times. We went back to barely talking to each other, I wanted to avoid him at all costs because I couldn’t face his disappointment. When our adoption agent told us we would have to wait eighteen months to even be able to foster a child again, he went fucking crazy. He fought with me over everything, he started drinking more and more and I just — I didn’t want to go through that again, so I left.”

Frank looks down at his hand over Adam’s while Adam squeezes his fingers tight. They stare at each other afterwards, and Adam looks quite apprehensive. Frank thinks it might be related to the fact that Adam is an adopted kid himself who went through some difficult shit in his life too, but he doesn’t let them dwell on that thought for too long.

“I can’t really explain how I felt,” he continues, holding Adam’s hand in his and tangling their fingers together. He sees Adam smiling at the gesture and squeezing softly. “But it was massive for me. I was on the verge of breaking down, he was on the path of self-destruction, and before we started fighting each other to no end, I packed up my stuff and left.”

“Just like that?”

“Just like that. I felt horrible, but I couldn’t go back. I told my mom, then left for the other side of the country. I spoke to the label’s execs and found a place in San Francisco. I had a club too, but left someone managing it for me, just like I did with this one. I kept receiving monthly reports from the new manager until it closed down, six years ago,” Frank explains, softly now. He knows he will have to deal with all of this as soon as he lands back in the east coast. Hopefully, it won’t hurt much. “I never went back.”

“Until today,” Adam puts in, smiling comfortingly.

Frank nods slowly. “Yeah. I’m terrified, but I’m coming back with you. The worst that can happen is seeing him somewhere, but I can always stay away from him, right?”

“I suppose, yeah. I can understand why you never talked to me about this. It’s pretty hard and you know I’m adopted too, so I’d understand those things like no one else. But, do you regret what you did?”

Frank pauses to consider this question. It’s a very good question, and he never really thought about it, but the answer is crystal clear to him. He trusts Adam with the truth. “Is it too bad that I don’t? Because I know I broke his heart, but I set myself free. I needed it. And San Francisco made me so happy.”

“Weeks ago, you said—” Adam starts, but hesitates when Frank wraps his other hand around their joined ones. It’s soft and just a need for touch, but it makes Adam stutter and look down. He seems to recover when Frank smiles at him, so Adam asks his question. “You said I remind you of someone from your past. Is this him?”

“Yes. The feelings are similar and your laughs are similar, and your determination, your kindness, but many people can be like that, I guess,” Frank says funnily. Adam grins at him too.

“I’m so glad you didn’t say ‘sexual performance’.”

Frank giggles, leaning his head back comfortably. His neck cracks softly, so he rolls it on his shoulders before he replies. “Nah, that’s quite different. You’re younger than he was, and I was younger too, so.”

“Was he younger than you?” Adam asks casually, getting his hand back from Frank’s grasp.

“No, he was older than me by almost four years. Why?”

“Nothing,” Adam says, but then he wiggles his eyebrows. “My dad’s four years older than you, you know?”

“Don’t say stuff like that, alright?” Frank widens his eyes in panic. Adam only grins at him, though, and Frank tickles him softly until he giggles out loud. Then he asks, curiously, “What’s he like, your dad?”

“He’s not so bad. He raised me alone, he’s very determined, knows what he wants and battles for it like I’ve never seen anyone do. He was happier before my uncle passed away, before my grandparents passed away—” Adam pauses when he says this and Frank can understand. Thankfully his parents are still alive, but he’s lost his four grandparents when he was younger and their deaths hit him really badly. Frank loved them and one day, he lost them. It hurt every single person, no doubt.

But Adam keeps talking. “I think he’s been really lonely ever since. I’ve never seen him with a girlfriend or boyfriend, but it definitely got worse since I came to San Francisco. He had me there all the time until high school and now he doesn’t.”

“I’m sure that’s normal, but that’s still very sad. You’re really close to him, aren’t you?”

“Very. He’s not only my dad; he’s my best friend. We’ve helped each other along the way. A lot of shit happened to us, but we got through it because we’re a dynamic duo, but sometimes it was hard. It doesn’t matter anymore, because we battle together towards every goal.” Adam has a smile on his face, one that misses his father and all the good days they must have spent together, but also one that is proud of everything they have come through and done to come to this place.

Frank admires that kind of relationship, and he smiles openly at Adam until his own face breaks into a young, gorgeous, and honest grin. In response, Frank leans over to kiss Adam’s mouth gently because nothing else matters right now. They are on their way home, _together_. That alone is a wonderful thought.

**

It’s past six p.m. and, in the cab ride from the airport, Adam tells Frank about his last phone call to his father, how he couldn’t pick them up from the airport because he’s a little late at work and needs another hour or so. Adam says, “He must be at home when we arrive. Our house is, like, five minutes away from work for him.”

Frank nods. He’s distracted by the scenery outside the window. He is listening to Adam, but he can’t help but look outside. No matter how much these streets have changed in time, he still has the awkward sensation that he’s been here before, walked here before or driven here before. He’s been here before, years ago. These are the streets he grew up in; this is his hometown. “You never told me you’re from Belleville.”

“Really? Well, we never talked about my home, or yours for that matter, so I think it’s understandable. But why are you mentioning it now?” Adam puts in, turning to Frank with a weird look.

Frank stares at him seriously. “I grew up here.”

Adam frowns, his eyebrows coming together at the middle. It’s the deepest Frank has seen him frown. “That is odd, I must admit. I grew up here too. I have never lived anywhere else, I mean before San Francisco. I’ve always lived with my grandparents, then when they died dad inherited the house. I didn’t let him sell it. All my memories are in that house, his too because he lived there over half of his life, but he wanted to get rid of it. He used to say it was too much to take care of for a man his age, but I still didn’t let him sell the house.”

Frank hums and keeps looking out the cab window. When they pull up to a house, Frank’s heart is more than racing. He has definitely been here before.

At first, he doesn’t want to get out of the cab, afraid of what he might find in that house, of _who_ he might find, but he can’t find a way to admit this to Adam. For now, he stays stuck in time and frozen in place, looking up at the house. He can hear Adam talking behind him and the cab taking off, and then he feels Adam’s hand on his arm pulling him closer to the front gate. The gate hasn’t been there before, but the rest looks pretty much the same. Frank wishes for a hole to appear so he can jump headfirst into it.

Frank’s blood is roaring in his ears, his heartbeat worryingly rushed and he can’t control his hands. They’re shaking where he has them around the handle of his luggage, which he’s wheeling behind him as he walks up to meet Adam. He’s inserting a code on a panel on the wall and only then does the gate open, letting them in. Frank hesitates there.

Adam turns around to face him. He’s smiling, most likely not understanding why Frank is acting like this when he was so excited before. All of a sudden, however, Frank doesn’t want to go in and meet Adam’s father, his only family, but he has to because he promised Adam. He’s in fact pulling on Frank’s arm, giggling and saying, “Are you nervous? Don’t be, my dad will think you’re great. Don’t worry, Frank, c’mon.”

Frank, though, can only gulp. There’s a huge lump in his throat and it doesn’t get any smaller as they get to the front door and Adam opens it with a keycard and another code on a panel. When the door finally opens, a shiver runs down Frank’s spine. He’s not sure he’s ready for this, but he’ll have to try. He can be wrong. A lot of people can live in this house, after fifteen years, but Frank just can’t believe his luck.

“Dad, are you home?” Adam calls and pulls Frank inside. The first thing he sees is the set of stairs to the upstairs level and the dark wooden cabinets along the walls of this large foyer. Frank has definitely been here before; he recognizes the china dolls and the creepy faces and some of the sculptures on top of the cabinets. There are a few paintings hanging on the walls, which look unsurprisingly talented to Frank.

The next thing he knows, there’s a deep voice calling back to them from the left.

Frank doesn’t want to turn around and look, but he knows he must. In his peripheral vision, he can see Adam leaving his luggage behind and running to hug his father. There’s a moment of only whispers in between them, while Frank closes his eyes and sighs, trying to collect enough strength for what’s to come. And it doesn’t take long, because Adam is saying, “Dad, I brought Frank to meet you.”

“Where is he, then?” the father asks. Frank thought he’d forget that voice, but in fact it hasn’t changed much. It’s still deep and slightly nasal, and the aspects of it that Frank can’t recognize must be related to aging effects.

Inhaling deeply and opening his eyes, Frank turns around and braces himself for what is to come.

Adam is grinning widely, but this time Frank can’t respond in the same way. He has to respect the man standing beside his boyfriend, probably more than he respects himself. Still Adam has no idea of this turmoil in Frank’s head and heart, and announces, “Dad, this is—”

“What’s he doing here?”

“This is my boyfriend, dad,” Adam says, sounding really confused. “I just told you. His name’s Frank. Frank, this is my dad, Gerard.”

Frank doesn’t even respond. He knows very well who this man is. It might have been almost twenty years since the last time Frank set eyes on him, but his face hasn’t changed that much. The lines of his face still feel familiar, calling out for Frank’s attention no matter what expression Gerard’s face holds, same as his profound, thoughtful eyes; they’re pretty much the features Frank used to have a soft spot for. It’s very clear that he got older, as there are so many crow-lines around his eyes and mouth, but it’s not all bad. They look good on him, despite their hint at the years of life. Frank had always thought Gerard would still be beautiful in his old age and, so far, this image doesn’t fail him.

“What are you doing here?” Gerard asks Frank frostily. Frank doesn’t respond. There is nothing he can say to make this moment more bearable. Then, he sees Gerard — the only man from his past that Frank hasn’t really forgotten — turn to his son and say, “I don’t want him in this house, Adam. Please, see him out.”

“Dad, what are you talking about? We just came in from San Francisco and he’s my boyfriend. I want him to meet you. You can’t just throw him out after, like, two seconds in the room,” Adam protests, fighting against his father’s will in his sweet naivety.  
“I know, and I wish this was easier on you, but I want him out now,” Gerard insists. Frank gives him all the reasons to throw him out, even though he can’t really say anything right now. He’s got his heart in his throat. Gerard isn’t finished yet, though. “Get him out of here. Get him out of your _life_ before it’s too late.”

Gerard stares into his eyes and Frank feels the force of his anger and pain like a blow to his stomach. It’s too hard to face his mistakes, or his sorrows from the past, like Adam called it earlier. Frank grabs the handle of his suitcase and turns back to the door, ready to leave. He can hardly believe this happened to him and he hates it for happening just when he’s so happy with Adam. He knows he won’t be able to stand the abrupt tension in this room and the probable pain of a future next to Adam, with Gerard always in the back.

“You’re not going anywhere,” says Adam immediately. Frank finds him by his side, wrapping one slender hand around Frank’s arm. Frank looks at it, then up at him. “I demand an explanation. We just got here! Will either of you tell me what’s happening?”

No one speaks a word. Gerard is the first to actually leave, back to where Frank knows is the kitchen. Frank has an opportunity to turn to Adam again and look at him, deep in his eyes. He wants to share all this hurt and confusion he’s feeling right now. He wants to stay with Adam and be happy with him, but he’s not sure he will be able to since Gerard already told Adam to get Frank out of his life. What can Frank say against that?

“I should go, Adam,” he decides to say, opening the door and stepping outside. He’d better agree with Gerard and get the fuck out. He can barely stand on his own legs, let alone find the strength to tell Adam exactly what happened in his past and who he left behind completely heartbroken. “It’s pretty clear that I’m not welcome here.”

“But why?!” Adam demands, never letting go of Frank’s arm. He squeezes it in his hand, giving Frank the fake impression that Adam wants to open up his heart to him, even if he dies from it. Adam’s eyes are holding such a sad gaze right now; Frank can’t really stand all the pain and confusion he sees in them. “I just want to understand. Do you know my dad?”

At first, Frank hesitates in replying with the truth, but there’s nothing to hide anymore. Gerard has been a part of his life before, and there’s no way Frank can ever deny that. That’s why he ends up nodding, confirming that he does in fact know Gerard.

“From where?” Adam questions next and Frank isn’t strong enough to lie to him. He doesn’t want to break Adam’s heart until the shock has left his own system, though.

“From around town. We had a band together, but it went bad.” What he says is true, they were in a band together and it broke up five years later, eight years before he saw Gerard for the last time, lying in bed, sleeping peacefully, most likely thinking that he would see Frank the next morning after his shower.

“And he still holds a grudge against a band that broke up years ago?”

“It’s more complicated than that, of course,” Frank gives him, looking down at himself. He can’t believe it’s been so long.

Looking up and around them, he sees how this street has become a little more modern, but it still hasn’t lost its family spirit and that just breaks his heart a little more. His hometown is still very much the same, apart from what the future brought to every other place in the world.

“Adam, you remember what you said about our sorrows from the past?” he asks, still looking around. The July sun shines against the side of Adam’s face when Frank turns back to look at him. He looks absolutely stunning under this natural light, nodding in response to Frank’s last question. Frank adds, “Well, mine just hit me in the face harder than I thought was even possible.”

He turns away to leave without further explanation, but of course Adam doesn’t allow him to do that. “Where are you going, Frank?”

“I’m gonna go look for a place to sleep tonight. I’ll manage just fine, don’t worry. Stay here with Gerard, you must have a lot to catch up on. We’ll speak tomorrow?” Frank offers him in return, making Adam nod quite sadly. Frank holds him for a little while, one arm around his shoulders and their temples bumping together. “It’ll be alright, Adam. Don’t get so worked up over this.”

“You should tell me what’s going on,” he says, wrapping his arms around Frank’s torso and squeezing. His voice sounds sort of broken, like he doesn’t know how to speak and is forcing his throat to actually pronounce the words he has in his head.

“I’ll tell you tomorrow. Now you need to stay with your father, okay? Ask him. Maybe he’ll tell you, you never know,” Frank concludes, kissing his cheek, then the temple closest to him.

“Alright,” says Adam with his eyes closed. He leans in a little and Frank meets his lips softly. It’s a quick peck, but still very heartfelt. He wants Adam to know that Frank is here for him, but needs some time alone for a night, maybe two. And he thinks Gerard will be glad that Adam is home with him, not somewhere else with his ex-boyfriend.

Frank stays a little longer, listening to Adam as he suggests this or that hotel and provides him with useful phone numbers, for the taxi company and a delivery take out diner. Frank thanks him with a longer kiss, while Adam clings to him and squeezes his shoulders to not let Frank go. But Frank has to go in the end. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Adam, come inside,” that deep voice suddenly says.

Frank disentangles Adam from around him and takes one last look at the man who made him turn his life upside down and head in a new direction, nonstop, until he reached San Francisco. Frank found Adam there, but unwillingly raced against his own past. All the bad feelings are back: the fear, the distress, the broken heart over breaking someone else’s heart.

He sighs and, as soon as Adam follows his father’s orders and goes inside, Frank calls for a cab. He’s ready to start this new journey in the east coast, whatever it takes.

**

In the cab, Frank found a list of the cheapest accommodations in the area, asking the driver how useful and up-to-date it is. When the driver tells him that it was distributed just last week, Frank calls a few of the hotels on the list while seated in the backseat of the wiped clean taxi, always being told that there was no vacancy for tonight. He asks the driver to just take him to a motel he thinks might be available tonight and leans back on the seat, numb. He’s not thinking, not feeling, just being there.

Frank gives the young driver a nice tip, for having driven him around so kindly for over an hour, when they finally find a motel with a vacancy sign lit up. The place seems kind of dodgy, but it’s past eight p.m. and Frank needs a place to crash in town. It’s in fact a disgusting little room, with barely a futon and an old wooden nightstand, and Frank can’t even stand the thought of what might have gone on in the bathroom just by the weird stains on the bathtub. Still, he has to suck it up and just tolerate it.

He skips dinner, because his stomach is churning, which might be from the motel in itself or from the fact that his thoughts have been wandering around everything _but_ Adam, yet he can’t avoid them now that he’s settling into a room. He has to think of Adam and of Gerard and of what may be a very difficult moment in their lives. Frank’s insides are flaming with ghosts from the past and with the man’s face. Frank hadn’t seen it in almost twenty years and didn’t expect to be dating his adoptive son, that’s for damn sure.

There is something interesting about this, because had Frank stayed in Jersey all those years ago, Adam could have been his own adoptive son and he would have never had such a good experience in San Francisco. Frank is trying to turn this into something positive to think about, otherwise he will dwell on the sorrows from the past that Adam had told him to avoid at all costs.

Frank can do that. He can avoid everything for one single night. Or he can at least try.

**

The next morning, Frank sleeps in late, only waking up because the cleaning lady knocks on the door and tells him it’s time to check out. Frank stretches lazily, thinking he’s got some time before the woman comes back, but he’s barely sitting up when the banging and the yelling comes back. He tries to hurry.

Wheeling his luggage out of the disgusting, little motel, Frank has no idea what he can do. At the reception, he asks the girl what’s the closest means of transportation and she points him toward a nearby bus stop.

Frank has to walk there, of course, and it takes him twenty minutes of mentally revolving around the same issue: how to make things alright for Adam and him. There’s no way he’s giving up on this, since he had to battle his own grief to get a grip on himself and engage in a serious relationship with Adam. They spent over seven months meeting casually a few nights per week, with Frank not really giving in to anything, but one day he made the mistake of going to see Adam after a very hard week. He was mildly drunk that night and ended up spending a lot more time talking than having sex, and soon they were romantically involved too. Adam might be his old boyfriend’s adoptive son, but that fact doesn’t take his feelings away.

Finally, he gets to the bus station before he drives himself crazy thinking about Adam and remembering his times with Gerard. He had gotten to a point of comparing the both of them and finding several similar details in them, since they are father and son after all, but it had only made him dwell even more on the past. And that is not what he intends to do today.

He looks around for some place to eat and, thankfully, he finds a self-service bar with fast food. He needs to eat something since he already skipped dinner last night, so he chooses a sandwich and a pack of juice, and purchases them at the vending machine in the corner. Then, balancing the two items in one hand and with his luggage on the other hand, he tracks down a coffee machine and finds one near a row of benches. Just what he needs.

He sits down when he’s got everything he needs, food, a fresh drink and a coffee cup. He starts eating and ponders what his next move should be, deciding on sending a text message to Adam’s cell phone. He taps in,

_I’m up. Whenever you want to talk, this is where I’ll be. Call me. ilu F_

After hitting send, Frank can only wait for a reply. He can’t go anywhere in case Adam wants to meet up with him to talk about what happened last night. Frank has to find a way to explain to him how Gerard meant so much to Frank in the past and yet Frank left him alone and heartbroken.

Frank sighs. He doesn’t know how long he will have to wait. He didn’t pack anything to entertain himself, so now he can only look around idly and observe people. At some point, he tries to come up with a plan for his conversation with Adam, since he wants to come clean and not look too bad to Adam’s eyes, but his mind comes off empty.

Once again, he fucked things up with his boyfriend.

Thankfully, he barely has to wait fifteen minutes before his cell phone vibrates in his pocket. Adam’s text message reads,

_Going out for lunch with friends, but should be free before 5. U wanna catch dinner?_

_Sure. I’ll have to find a new place to crash tonight. Tell me when and where you want to meet, ok?_

The next reply comes pretty quickly. _I will F. Don’t think I don’t lu, k?_

Frank smiles at it, especially at the little heart at the end of the message. He feels satisfied with himself and his boyfriend, but can’t be sure if Adam has already heard from Gerard about what happened between them seventeen years ago.

Not wanting to dwell on it too much, Frank takes the hotel list from the cab last night from the front pocket of his luggage and reads it carefully. He calls every single hotel on the list, wanting to hear what conditions they offer and their rates.

In the end, he calls a second time to the only motel with a price below his self-imposed budget for a room, although it’s only for ten dollars. He can’t be sure about his answer when the lady on the phone asks him how many nights he’s staying, so he tells her only one night since he won’t really know until he speaks with Adam. He will either stay another night or call his mother and ask her to accommodate him, like in the old days, but he wants to figure his shit out first before he visits his parents.

He struggles with what little information he’s got on New Jersey and takes the train to the motel, checking in and taking a much needed shower. Afterwards, he just takes a look at the bed, puts the window shades down and throws himself on top of the bed covers, sighing as he settles himself comfortably into the bed for a nap.

He wakes up on his own, but there is something in the back of his mind telling him that he really didn’t wake up by himself. He grabs his cell phone and squints at the screen to read what time it is. It’s not even three p.m., which means that he’s got some time before Adam is free from his errands. Frank sighs.

There is nothing on his phone, no missed calls or text messages, so he really did wake up on his own. It is very strange, too. He goes to the bathroom and washes his face by the sink, and only when he feels the cold water hit his face does he feel that he has fully woken up. When he takes a look in the mirror, he realizes he doesn’t look as worn-out as he feels, which is a good sign.

He rereads Adam’s text and sees the little heart at the end, smiling at it. He’s still got Adam’s heart with him; there really isn’t much more that he can ask for. Adam’s heart is what Frank treasures the most at this moment in his life, so he’s happy that it’s still there in his text messages. In the beginning of their relationship, Adam used to call him _‘baby’_ but that got obnoxious over time, so Frank asked him to cut it out. Adam did and started including those little hearts instead, filling Frank’s own heart with all the best emotions.

This time, however, he doesn’t only get the feelings. Frank has a new idea, something to keep him busy while he waits for Adam and to take care of some issues that definitely need resolving.

**

“You can stop here,” Frank tells the cab driver, even though he’s two doors down from the place he truly wants to visit. He doesn’t want to be seen before it’s strictly necessary. As he closes the cab door and the driver takes off, Frank stands on the curb and closes his eyes for a few seconds. He tries to control his heartbeat, but it’s nearly impossible. It’s been beating like crazy ever since he called the cab and throughout his drive here.

He takes a deep breath and opens his eyes, ready to start walking towards the right house. He stands in front of the iron gate and rings the bell, standing there awkwardly, since he doesn’t know what to expect of this. He tried to work around what he wanted to say before he came here, but he can’t be sure of what he’ll get in return. He sighs again and hopes for the best.

A few moments after he rang the doorbell, there’s a small buzz coming from the speaker and Gerard’s voice fills his ears. “What do you want?”

“I want to talk to you,” Frank says, shifting his weight to his left leg. His heart is on his sleeve and he can barely stand the pressure of it, not really sure how he’s still breathing with all the tension in his throat.

“You’re eighteen years late,” Gerard replies bitterly. Frank can’t really deny him the right to this amount of animosity, but he also can’t miss out on this opportunity. He wants to make things right with Adam even if it means confronting his own ghosts from the past.

“I’m doing this for Adam,” Frank tries, not getting a proper answer from Gerard. What he gets is a moment filled with silence, yet he doesn’t dare to leave the premises. He came here to talk to Gerard about what this means to him, how much he loves and wants to be with Adam, so he stays put for a while longer. Frank considers ringing the bell a second time, but gives up on that idea when he reminds himself why Gerard is being so hateful towards him.

A while later, Frank is still standing there pondering what to do next when there’s a noise coming from the house. The front door is open and out comes Gerard Way, the man Frank loved once. They’re back in each other’s lives and Frank just wants to do what’s right, and right now that’s being with Adam and making amends with his past as much as possible.

“What else do you want from me?” Gerard asks in the same tone filled with hurt. Frank never really confronted him after he left, so the pain of looking into the eyes he disappointed so long ago affects him more than he would like to admit.

“We have to talk about Adam. He’s in both our lives now,” Frank replies, looking directly into Gerard’s eyes. They’re still the same shape, color, and intensity, but today they’re more filled with bitterness than the love Frank saw in them years ago.

“How convenient,” Gerard gives in, opening the iron gate so Frank can walk in. Frank walks behind Gerard as he says, “You’re not welcome into my life, or Adam’s life. I should have told him about you. He’d be more careful when choosing a boyfriend.”

“I’m a good boyfriend. Ask Adam,” he defends his honor proudly. He has never failed Adam so far, he knows it. If any time Adam felt bad about something Frank said or did, they would talk it out and come clean to each other. It has been like this for almost a year and Frank doesn’t plan on changing it. He really loves Adam.

“Yeah, sure, everything is perfect until you bail out on a relationship without a single explanation,” Gerard hisses, finally turning around. He’s already inside, while Frank is still in the doorway, waiting for an invitation. Gerard goes back around and walks further into the house, but leaves the door open so Frank follows him to the kitchen.

“You left without a warning, and that’s fucked up. I know it’s been a long time, and maybe you grew up and changed, but I still don’t want you in Adam’s life,” Gerard adds.

“Why not?!” Frank protests, taking an offensive step closer. He knows what he did in the past, but if Adam chose to be with him, not even Gerard should be able to stop them. “I love him, I really do. I don’t mean to hurt him, you know?”

“Oh, does that mean you meant to hurt me back then?”

“No, of course not. I was terrified! There was too much pressure on us. I wasn’t ready for — I didn’t want to go through all that again!”

“Oh, are you trying to justify your actions now? It’s been so long, and you’ve decided that now it’s important to tell me why you left in the middle of the fucking night.”

“Gerard, I couldn’t stand looking at your face. We’d lost Jordan and I — I lost my hope all over again,” Frank admits, voice low and almost lost. “When we fostered her, it was so beautiful. We were back together and when they took her away from us, it was chaotic. Didn’t you see how you were? You went back to drinking and we went back to fighting. I left before we hurt each other even more. I didn’t want things to get worse, not after losing Jordan.”

Sighing first, Frank concludes, “Today, I’d actually do the same.”

“You’d still leave?” Gerard says, sounding quite upset about Frank’s harsh but truthful words. Frank looks down and doesn’t reply, which prompts Gerard to say something more. “Frank, you have no idea the kind of shit I had to go through after you left!”

They stare at each other’s eyes quite harshly now, any response caught up in Frank’s throat and knifing him through his heart. He doesn’t want to cause any more pain, but he does let himself ask, “What happened?”

Gerard is fuming, fists clenched tightly at his sides, but he takes a deep breath and starts talking, “What do you think happened? I kept fighting. Everybody tried to stop me, but I didn’t give up. I owed it to myself, and thankfully Kay was on my side. She put up a new committee together and three months later, Jordan was back home with me, okay?”

Frank takes a sharp breath in, completely surprised by this turn of events. “That soon?”

“That’s what happens when you fight back,” Gerard retorts with hostility, supporting his weight with one hand on the kitchen table. He keeps staring at Frank like a proud lion. “It was amazing. If you hadn’t chickened out, you’d have been through the same happiness, and in the end everything would have been much better. It’d have been so much easier to bear,” Gerard trails off.

Frank remains silent. Gerard’s words hit close to home, hurting Frank where it can’t hurt anymore. What he says goes straight to Frank’s heart and floods his veins with regret. At the same time, he realizes that the problem of their relationship might have always been with him. He had been the one drowning himself with work and not talking to Gerard when things needed to be sorted out; he had been the one not wanting to fight against the law because it seemed impossible to change the minds of so many social influencers; and he had been the one who bailed out on them at the end.

Yet Gerard had done so much on his own. He followed their dream and achieved their goals. Frank can’t help but wonder how he managed to get enough strength to do that, though, the same way he wonders about where Jordan could be. He decides to ask, “Where is she now, though?”

Gerard doesn’t answer immediately. He looks down, his expression sad and thoughtful. Frank observes Gerard in his natural habitat, his old family kitchen where Frank has been with Gerard’s own family preparing several Thanksgiving or Christmas dinners, or any other occasional dinner they’d had during those eight years. Frank can clearly remember Donna Way rambling on about the preciousness of her lasagna recipe, or Donald Way telling stories about work. He can even remember Elena, Gerard’s long lost grandmother who he had mourned for so long, prancing around the kitchen cleaning up her art tools under the streaming faucet. Everything is perfectly clear in his mind, even all these years later.

A clinking noise brings Frank to the present and he sees Gerard pouring coffee into a mug. It has a scruffy, definitely handmade design on the side and a message in a curly font, saying, _“Best Daddy 2013.”_ Frank gulps at the reference, because that’s only one year after he left. It means this design was probably made by Jordan, when Gerard got her back from the social services. He looks up at Gerard’s face instead, no longer able to face this truth that he missed on.

Gerard leans against the counter, cradling the mug in both hands. It reminds Frank of several breakfasts they ate here, Frank coming in after a shower and finding Gerard in this same spot and position, always with a cup of coffee in hands, letting the steam graze his mouth and nose. It reminds Frank of how sometimes he would take the cup off Gerard’s hands, put it on the counter and replace it with his body, before he kissed Gerard heavily, and sometimes Mikey would come in and tease them about love. Frank gulps at this memory, wondering what could have happened to him, since Adam mentioned on their flight home that his uncle had passed away.

Shaking himself out of these thoughts, Frank focuses back on Gerard, who soon starts talking again, this time in a defeated tone of voice that Frank doesn’t really recognize. “Jordan died, Frank. She wasn’t just a sickly child. She had this genetic disease that took her before she turned five years old.”

Frank gulps again, not able to imagine what it must have been like. He remembers Jordan really well, how she was always happy even when she got sicker and they had to take her to the hospital. Frank remembers those six months with her, because having a three year old at home filled it with joy and squeaky words. Frank couldn’t forget her even if he wanted to, because losing her was the reason he left Gerard that night.

“If you had stayed,” Gerard starts again, after a new gulp of coffee. Its scent is heavy in the kitchen, just like the mood of the moment. “It would have been so much easier to bear, but I don’t think I’d have Adam. And he’s the most important person in my life, so maybe I don’t regret having gone through that alone either. There has never been someone that means as much as to me as Adam.”

“I can imagine,” Frank intervenes softly, at last. He watches Gerard take another sip, thinking how different things would have been if he had stayed. None of them would have Adam since they would have practically killed each other after Jordan’s death. “If I hadn’t left, you wouldn’t have had this life. None of us would have Adam and—”

“Sure, maybe it was good that you left. However, you shouldn’t have done it like that. You left in the middle of the night like a fucking coward. And now you want to take my son away from me,” Gerard protests.

“No, I don’t. I love Adam, but I will never—”

“I don’t want him in a relationship with you, Frank,” Gerard says in his harshest tone. His eyes are wide and serious, the force of his gaze like a stab in Frank’s chest, reminding him of everything he’s done wrong. “You broke my heart all those years ago, and I won’t let you break Adam’s heart the same way.”

“I don’t want to hurt him. I love him. This time I know what I’m doing and I want to be with him. I want to make him happy. Didn’t you see how excited he was to bring me here to meet you?” Frank defends himself, looking up into Gerard’s eyes with the same fierceness.

“This is real. I even told him—” Frank stops himself, looking at Gerard in silence.

“What is it?”

“I told him about you, and he seemed pretty understanding. He was kind of shocked, but he understood that it’s in the past and I’m a different person now. We’ve been together for a while now and things have never been more perfect for me. Everything feels _right_ with him. He reminded me of you in so many ways, but I honestly never made the connection. You have no idea what I felt when I realized we were in Belleville, when we pulled up to this house. I was terrified,” Frank admits, looking down.

He can’t stand the look on Gerard’s face, that eighteen year old disappointment and raw sadness. Then, he reconsiders and, looking back up, Frank sees the old broken Gerard that he knew years ago.

“Then why are you here?” Gerard wants to know, in a softer voice now.

“I fell in love.”

The silence that falls between them is awkward. Gerard is looking down at his coffee mug and Frank just stares past his head at the kitchen cabinets, but then his cell phone rings. He sighs and fishes it out of his pocket quickly, hands shaking anxiously, and he sees that Adam is calling him.

He answers the call and listens carefully, one hand rubbing the side of his head while he replies as comfortably as he can. When he ends the call, he looks back at Gerard and tells him, “It’s Adam. He’s coming home to get changed. We’re going out for dinner.”

“Are you gonna tell him the truth?” Gerard questions. “Last night, he asked me about you. Where I’d known you from, why I was so hostile, and a lot of other things, but I think it’s up to you to tell him.”

“Of course, he deserves to know the truth and make his own decision about us. I have no idea what he will say, but I can’t lie to him,” Frank replies, observing Gerard for a while. There isn’t much to interpret from his expression now as it is closed up and imperceptible, so Frank moves on. “Do you mind if I wait here for Adam?” 

“I suppose not. I know I was hostile yesterday, but I had no choice. I was expecting a boyfriend, a ‘Frank who is older and spectacular’, but not _you_.”

“I can imagine. I got on that plane thinking that the worst that could happen to me was running into you on the street,” Frank puts in, with an honest scoff.

There’s another silent moment between them, while Frank gathers enough courage to ask Gerard about Mikey because Frank hasn’t forgotten him either. He had actually heard from his mother about his death years ago, but she hadn’t given him many details and he hadn’t flown out to the funeral. He didn’t think he’d be welcome, and he was also in the middle of getting ready for a spring tour. He says, “I heard about your brother, but Adam didn’t tell me what happened.”

Gerard looks down, though, clearing his throat and rubbing at his eyes kind of tiredly. “It was a long time ago, but I’d rather not—”

“Okay. Forget I asked,” Frank steps in, realizing that he’s prying too much. He just came in from San Francisco. He can’t demand this piece of intimate information right away.

He hears a door opening somewhere in the house and Adam’s voice calls in. “Dad?”

“In the kitchen.”

“I brought you take out, dad,” the voice goes on, as Frank hears steps coming closer. “Noodles, like I promised you. And if you don’t mind, I’m gonna — oh.”

He quiets down, looking at Frank. He looks sincerely surprised. “What are you doing here, Frank?”

“You told me you were out with friends, so I came to talk to Gerard. I hope you don’t mind,” Frank excuses himself softly, walking closer to him. He doesn’t really know how to react, though, now that they’re close again. Should they hug, kiss or just stare at each other, since Gerard is still in the room?

“No, I’m just really surprised he let you in,” Adam replies, leaning in for a short peck on Frank’s lips. “You don’t seem to have fought too hard, though.”

Frank doesn’t really know if he finds that funny or not. Gerard, however, looks slightly annoyed by Adam’s mention, but his facial expression softens when Adam gets closer to peck his cheek. Since neither of them says anything else, Adam shrugs and says, “Since you’re being so civilized with each other, do you mind if I take a quick shower before I get changed? I reek.”

“It’s alright,” Frank says, smiling this time. He nods, too.

“You can take Frank upstairs, if you want,” Gerard says. Frank looks at him inquiringly, not really sure of what he really means by sounding so friendly.

“Dad…” Adam says dreamily and flies closer to Gerard again, hugging him. He must be whispering something in Gerard’s ear, because Gerard nods and smiles into his short hair. Meanwhile, Frank admires this scene, the beautiful relationship he’s witnessing and the closeness between father and son. It’s so beautiful. No wonder Adam is such an interesting person. “Thanks, dad.”

“He’s your boyfriend,” Gerard utters slowly. “And I think he loves you very much. I just want you to be happy, Adam.”

They both smile and Adam pecks Gerard’s cheek again, while Frank looks down. His hands are a little fidgety, so he tries to stop them, but soon Adam’s slender hand is sliding over his slowly. “You wanna come see my room?”

Frank nods and follows him out of the kitchen, to the foyer and the set of stairs leading to the bedrooms floor. Frank is surprised with how much this house hasn’t changed. When Adam opens the big double doors, Frank widens his eyes in surprise. “You sleep in the master bedroom?”

“Yeah, dad says he wouldn’t be able to sleep here,” Adam replies with a smile. “I guess it’s because it was grandma and grandpa’s room, and he misses them.”

“And his grandmother’s, too,” Frank puts in, nostalgic. He remembers her so well, her old hands and delicate features, her easygoing personality and the immediate empathy, and her gorgeous eyes and graceful speech. He would visit her with sorrow in his heart as she faded away in this very room.

“You mean Elena?” Adam inquires, curious. Frank looks at him, nodding. “You knew her?”

“Yes, I had the pleasure of meeting her in life. She actually bought our band our first van, for when we got signed and started touring. She was beautiful,” he says, truly reminiscent. He couldn’t forget her, of course, or the strength of Gerard’s love for her.

“Dad told me about her a few times, but he spoke more about her bedtime stories than what she was really like. We read stories every single night until I was, like, twelve or so. He said those were the stories Elena had told him as a child. I think I still have those books in here,” Adam trails off, going inside and losing himself in the four bookcases along two of the bedroom walls.

Frank looks around himself. It’s not the same room anymore; it’s been redecorated, his walls now a deep blue with a wall occupied only with strange sea creatures and a handful of humans swimming alongside them. To the left, there’s the door to the en-suite bathroom and, next to it, a cork clipboard with a calendar, notes in red pieces of paper, pamphlets, several different kinds of tickets, and photographs.

Approaching them while Adam looks busy by the bookshelves, Frank looks closely at every single photograph. They’re all of Adam, but he’s never alone. There’s one with Donna Way and another with Donald Way, faces Frank remembers despite the new wrinkles Frank didn’t get to see on their skin; and there’s one with other young girls and boys, most likely Adam’s friends from school; and there’s one with Mikey. Frank has to stop to admire that one, gulping to himself because he had missed his friend too.

He doesn’t want to dwell on that thought, though. He just reaches out to touch the photo, sending a silent greeting and an apology to his old friend, Mikey Way, and turns his back to the wall. He sees Adam approaching him. “All my favorite people in the world, Frank. My family and my friends, there isn’t anyone more important than them. Soon I’ll have one of us together, you’ll see.”

Frank nods absentmindedly. He accepts the few books Adam hands him and realizes they all have Gerard’s name on the cover. “Gerard wrote these?”

Adam smiles and hums affirmatively. “At first, he started telling me these stories orally, but I asked him if I could have the books to read them whenever I wanted. A couple of months later, he started putting out this collection. There’s about 20 volumes with three short stories each. They’re fabulous. Even now, I just browse through them whenever I’m home. They’re my favorite.”

Frank rubs one hand over the hardback cover of the first book, feeling the indent of the cursive font under his fingers, remembering when Gerard wrote those books at home and Frank would come home every night and dinner would be almost ready, and Gerard always had something new to tell him about a character he had written that day or about the book in general. The good old days, but he can’t say he hasn’t spent equally nice days and nights with Adam, because he most definitely has been happy with him.

“I’ll go for that shower, now, shouldn’t be too long.”

“I’ll wait here,” says Frank and sits on the bed, opening the first book and diving headfirst into the old worlds Gerard wrote about.

**

An hour later, they’re sitting in Adam’s favorite diner and, as they eat, Adam lets Frank in on his long conversation with Gerard last night. Apparently, Gerard had confirmed that Frank and he had been in a band that broke up, but Adam had read a lot more and had seen a deep sadness in Gerard’s eyes at the time. Now he asks Frank to tell him the truth. “Why did dad want to throw you out the first time? I need to know the whole truth.”

Frank nods. He had promised himself and Gerard that he would talk to Adam about this. He takes another sip of red wine and with a final sigh, he opens his mouth to admit everything. “He is the guy I left behind eighteen years ago, Adam.”

“But what happened exactly?” Adam demands. Frank can see Adam’s tight grip around his fork and knife, so he won’t deny Adam any piece of information about this.

Frank tells him the whole story about wanting to adopt and about the injustice of not being able to do it equally, compared to heterosexual couples, and how that had affected Gerard so badly. He told Adam about their fights, his obsession with work to avoid Gerard’s edginess and about the ordeal with adopting Jordan and losing her to the social services, six months later. He told Adam about not wanting to go through that again since Gerard seemed so eager to keep fighting and to try to foster Jordan again, or adopt another child.

Finally, Frank told him about leaving in the middle of the night while Gerard was sleeping; about how he left without looking or calling back.

In the end, Adam is speechless and his grip on the cutleries hasn’t loosened one bit. When he finally lets go of the cutleries with a clink, Adam downs his own glass of wine and his eyes are wide with shock and disbelief. Frank sighs, not knowing what to expect as a response.

“So basically you put my dad in his misery and ignored him forever?” Adam’s words are harsh and judgmental. “And you still don’t regret it?”

Frank doesn’t react at first, wanting Adam to calm down first. He knows he’s reacting like this because it’s his father, the person who he loves and respects and is protective over, but it’s still frustrating to see Adam this uncomfortable with the truth. “Yes, I still think it was a good decision in my life.”

“What about dad’s life? I mean, I spent years trying to hook him up with my friends’ dads and moms, and he kept telling me that he wasn’t born to be loved. Now you’re basically telling me you did this to him!” Adam hisses at him, leaning forward on the table. He looks very threatening right now.

“I don’t know about that, but—” Frank tries, but Adam cuts him off rudely.

“But nothing. You broke my father’s heart and never looked back. It’s all because of you that he stopped believing in love. It’s all because of you that he’s so lonely now, with barely any self-esteem left. He doesn’t want to find someone to spend the rest of his life with, and I think that shit’s important. I don’t — I can’t accept this.”

“What is that supposed to mean?” asks Frank, shocked.

Adam leans back in his chair. “It means I’m having second thoughts about you. Here I was thinking you were a nice guy, incapable of hurting anyone, but then I find out you not only abandoned a man who loved you and was going through a difficult phase in life, but you also did it to my _father_. I don’t know how to deal with this.”

“I didn’t think you’d react like this…” Frank states, honestly.

“Well, you know my dad’s very important to me. You must understand where I’m coming from. He will always come first, Frank. I will always do everything I can to make him happy.” Adam’s voice is filled with poisonous words that cut Frank very deeply. He can’t help but feel attacked, because Adam is being very raw in his exposition. Especially when he goes back to hissing at Frank, saying, “And honestly, I can’t imagine him feeling happy when I’m dating his old boyfriend.”

“It was a long time ago, Adam, I’m sure he doesn’t—”

“It doesn’t matter. You don’t date your best friend’s ex-boyfriend.” Adam shoots him a deadly look, his wide brown eyes that Frank already knows so well and loves so much brimming with barely concealed anger. It’s harsh hearing these things from him, no matter how much Frank knows how true and well-deserved they are. He didn’t prepare himself for this.

“But we love each other. How can you deny that? I love you. I want to make you happy,” Frank repeats his vows, because that’s what he wants to do with his relationship. He wants to have the time to prove that he can keep these promises of making Adam happy by his side.

Adam, however, doesn’t seem very interested. He pushes his chair back and gets up, brusquely. “I need some air.”

Frank remains seated at the table, taking a few deep breaths, telling himself that he needs to give Adam some space before he leaves the diner. When he gets up and looks out the main doors, Adam is nowhere to be seen. Frank goes back inside and waits for another ten minutes or so, but when Adam doesn’t come back, he goes by the register to pay for their unfinished meal.

He calls Adam when he’s outside. The younger man does not answer the phone. Frank asks around for the closest train station, since Adam drove him here and he doesn’t have that much money on him to pay for a cab. When he finally gets to the motel, he grabs a cigarette and begins to smoke by the large window.

He shouldn’t think about Adam or he’ll end up miserable the rest of the night, but of course his thoughts are all about him. Frank is sure he just broke Adam’s heart by telling him the truth about his past relationship with Gerard. He did what is right, being honest and opening up to his boyfriend, but it ended up being a mistake. Adam probably won’t talk to him again, because this is his father and he seemed pretty furious about what Frank told him.

However, Frank still hopes that Adam can think about it with a clear head and come to a much better and smoother conclusion about Frank. They’re in love with each other, after all the things they’ve done for each other in San Francisco and now the ordeal of having returned to Jersey. Frank can’t let himself let go of Adam. They really need to talk. Soon.

For now, though, Frank will just sleep this day off.

**

After that night, Frank and Adam only speak over the phone. Frank’s vacation days finish soon, so he reports to the label in Jersey and starts working immediately. The contacts with San Francisco are easy to make and, soon, Frank is assigned to a desk job. It only lasts for a day, because apparently they’re in need of another type of worker, so once again, Frank becomes a band-hunter.

Frank calls his own father after beating himself up for a couple of days, and he feels very welcome when they finally meet. He doesn’t even have to ask for shelter, because his father presents him with an immediate offer.

Apparently, he’s got this apartment in the city which he usually rents to people who work in town and need a close-by house, but the last lodger left the apartment over six months ago. And the place is available now, fully furnished and just in need of a new occupant. Frank has no idea how to say no. He can only thank his father and promise him to pay the rent on time every month. He’s sure his father can do with the extra money, since he’s retired and has been getting less and less money over the years.

Frank also visits his mother, surprising her with a huge smile and a tight hug. She seems delighted to see him, because he did tell her he was visiting in the summer, but she just didn’t know when he was coming. Frank smiles at her sweetly, hugging her again because he’s missed her so much.

He tells her about visiting his father and renting his apartment in the city, tells her about Adam and the slight mess he’s in at the moment. She doesn’t seem exactly supportive, since she knows how much he hurt Gerard, and despite being his mother, she does tell Frank off for having broken a man’s heart so deeply. He sighs and nods in agreement, but he explains to her his reasons back in the day and his feelings right now.

She hugs him for a long time after that and lets him fall asleep against her shoulder.

\--

Later in the week, Frank arranged things with his parents to go back to San Francisco and gather a few things from his apartment. He figures that he might keep the small flat he’s got in the west coast, since he actually bought it when he moved there and is only five years away from finalizing the payments. He can always rent it too, to either college students or full time workers, and that will help him pay the mortgage.

Once he signs a contract and gets settled into his father’s apartment, Frank calls Adam from his seat in the living room couch. It’s been almost a week since they last spoke and, this time, Adam doesn’t sound as threatening as the last time they talked. Adam says, “I thought about what you told me, but I think I need some more time. Things are getting difficult now, with my dad. He’s gotten himself a bit depressed over seeing you. What the hell did you say to him?”

“I don’t know what might have bothered him that much, Adam, I’m sorry.” Frank is being honest. He doesn’t know.

“Well, he’s got days off from work and we’re going out of town. We might be away for the whole two weeks, or not, it depends on what he wants to do. It’ll depend on what he feels like,” Adam tells Frank, in his soft tone of voice. Frank imagines him packing his bag to go on vacation time with his father and being all domestic and caring to the point of packing Gerard’s things as well. That’s how Frank imagines Adam with his father, doing everything for him because they care so much about each other and Gerard seems to be a little down at the moment. “I’ll call you when we get back, alright?”

“Of course,” Frank tells him. He isn’t sure he’s supposed to say this to him, but he blurts it out anyway: “I love you, Adam.”

“Bye, Frank.” Adam’s answer is harsh on Frank’s heart. It makes him lose the last shred of hope he has left, on Adam still wanting to be with him in the end. Maybe the fact that he broke Adam’s father’s heart in the past is the main, unforgiving obstacle in their relationship now. Frank doesn’t want it to happen, of course, but if this is what Adam really wants — well, Frank will have to agree with that, whether it hurts him or not.

**

It’s the middle of August. Frank is hanging out with his mother on a scorching Sunday. They’re sitting in red deckchairs, sipping on orange juice that they made with fresh fruit directly picked from his mother’s orchard. Frank remembers, from years ago, listening to her going on and on about having an orchard of her own after retiring from work and seeing her only child become independent. Her dreams have come true since Frank left.

They’re also listening to an old record he gave his mother for her birthday, when he was twenty years old. It’s a vinyl disk of Verdi’s _Aida_ , and it’s his mother’s favorite opera ever since he’s known himself. Frank remembers when he gave this to her and she glowed with joy, listening to it three times in a row that very night.

Frank has his cell phone with him. He has barely let go of it ever since Adam told him, last Thursday, that they could be back home any day from then on. Until now, Frank hasn’t received a second call, so he keeps his cell phone with him all the time.

Today, his phone rings right at the end of Act Three and Frank apologizes to his mother for the interruption. She waves him off and relaxes in her seat, preparing herself for the opera’s great finale. Frank checks the screen and reads Adam’s name, so he swipes his finger over it to accept the call. And of course, he’s incapable of fighting the smile that instantly covers his face.

“Hey, Adam,” he greets. He’s aware that he’s speaking almost dreamily, like nothing ever happened between them. He knows that’s not exactly true, but since Adam is calling him he thinks there is nothing not to risk here. This is the man he loves and hasn’t spoken to in two weeks. He needs to sound like this, even if it isn’t appropriate for his age.

“Hello, Frank,” Adam says back, and Frank can sense a smile on his voice. Past the few comments on how the two weeks went for each other, Adam tells Frank, “I’d like to see you this week. We need to talk.”

“Yeah, we do,” Frank agrees, sitting down on his mother’s living room couch. He looks down at his hands and adds, “You wanna come over to my place and have dinner, talk openly about that and just… keep it private?”

“I’d like that, yes.” Frank can hear the pleased tone of Adam’s voice, like he’s melting with the suggestion while agreeing with it. Afterward, they agree on Tuesday night, and while Frank asks Adam if he has any particular cravings for dinner, Adam replies, “Surprise me.”

Frank grins. “You got it.”

\--

On Tuesday, Frank asks to get off work early so he can go shopping for the items he needs for dinner. He’s making eggplant slices with mozzarella, and sautéing mushrooms, to drape over some fettuccine, with a final touch of a _parmigiana_ sauce, prepared with onions, garlic, and a tiny taste of red peppers. Frank knows Adam has a soft spot for red peppers.

He’s just adding a hint of oregano to the fettuccine, ready to start the sauce with the eggplant resting in the oven, when the bell rings. He runs to the door and opens it quickly, to not lose his focus on his cooking, and ends up greeting Adam in a hurry and apologizing for being preoccupied over preparing dinner.

“It’s alright,” Adam says, taking off his jacket as Frank holds out his hands for it. He hangs it on the coat hanger by the door and turns around to flash a smile at Adam, who asks, “You want any help?”

“You can choose what you want to drink over dinner,” Frank replies, walking Adam fast toward the kitchen.

“What are you making?” Adam wants to know, inhaling deeply. He hums, sounding pleased and appreciative of the delicious smell emanating from the kitchen.

“Vegetable fettuccine,” Frank replies candidly with a grin over his shoulder, proud of his secret meal. Adam tells him he’d rather drink water, and Frank points him in the right direction, to his tiny pantry, to the right of the stove. “I’m just finishing here. The fettuccine is almost ready, and then I’ll start on the sauce. It will only take a few more minutes, okay?”

“Absolutely, don’t worry.” Adam smiles at him and insists on setting up the table, right there in the kitchen. Frank would like to have a dining room for occasions like this, but it’s a small apartment and this is all he’s got. Adam says he doesn’t mind, so Frank relaxes about it.

When the food is ready, Frank invites Adam to sit down at the table and they start eating. At first, they do it in silence, but then Adam hums in satisfaction and says, “This is delicious. I love your food.”

Frank shrugs. “Thanks. It’s not like I’d never cooked for you before, but this was actually made to impress.” He grins mischievously. Adam seems to get the message because he smiles back.

“I need to tell you something,” Adam puts in. Frank nods, chewing slowly and listening to whatever Adam is going to say next. “They called me from San Francisco State. I was one of the students to win that contest to go study abroad. I chose Europe.”

Frank freezes at that sentence. The fettuccine suddenly becomes hard to swallow. This means he’s going to lose Adam, doesn’t it? “That means you’re going to spend an entire year there, isn’t that right?”

“Yes. It’s two semesters, most of the expenses supported by my scholarship. It’s a very good opportunity and I’ve already accepted the offer, of course. It’s probably my only chance to go over there and get a closer look at the European law system. We’re talking about a very prestigious law school and I think I’ve got the chance to go to other law schools in Europe, see the differences, take notes, start working on research for my final dissertation, which is due in two years,” Adam clarifies, sipping on his water. Frank is still staring at him, a forkful of pasta on the way to his mouth.

“I’m happy for you, of course,” he says, putting his fork down and smiling at Adam. “But we’ll need to discuss what we’re going to do about us, right?”

“Absolutely.” Adam nods and takes another bite, chewing and swallowing before going on. Frank does the same, observing him carefully. Adam looks so elegant even during meals, graceful in his movements and obviously in his words. “Can we discuss it in the living room, though? Preferably over dessert. You’ve got dessert, right?”

“Of course!” Frank exclaims, knowing very well that Adam is crazy about his pies. He’s got something in the fridge, which he prepared before dinner. “Let’s finish this, then. I’ve got your favorite key lime pie in the fridge.”

Adam hums, biting his lip in anticipation. Frank giggles at his reaction, although he was expecting it. He shifts around in his chair, to try and finish eating comfortably. The kitchen chairs are old and lousy, and he does apologize to Adam about them, explaining that they’d come with the house and, living on his own, he hadn’t really bothered to buy new ones.

They finish dinner and start on dessert, taking their slices to the living room. They both fall into silence as soon as they sit on the couch, Adam eating slowly while Frank watches him. He’s trying to imagine Adam in Europe, far away from home and completely unperturbed, studying what he wants and being free as he has always claimed to be. Frank can’t even think about imprisoning Adam, because he’s a young, free spirit, very capable of thinking for himself. Having been in his life for almost a year now, Frank feels much honored that he’s witnessing this change in his life. Adam is going to Europe to study and grow, become independent there. Who knows when he’ll come back, or if he’ll ever come back at all?

This silent moment in between them tells Frank something that he clearly didn’t want to see his relationship with Adam fall into. There were moments in San Francisco when Frank thought their connection would be endlessly stable, that they would be in love forever. Coming back to Jersey only proved him wrong. Their love wasn’t strong enough, at least not the way Frank had thought it would last through every crisis. No matter how much Adam had loved Frank, it could never be strong enough to make him stay now.

This realization hits Frank with a strength that makes him shiver, so he decides to jump out of his head and starts eating. When Adam looks up and their eyes meet, Frank inhales soundly to find the courage and the right words, and breaks the silence. “If you want me to be honest with you, I don’t know how good we’d be at keeping a long-distance relationship. I remember being a mess every time I spent more than three days away from you, back in San Francisco. And the reason why I haven’t been a real mess right now is because I know I fucked up in the past and need to be forgiven. I’ve also kept myself insanely busy with work and helping my parents around their houses.”

“I need to be in constant touch, you know this,” he concludes, aware of his own weakness in relationships. It has mainly been a weak point with Adam, since he’s younger and makes Frank feel protective over him. He thinks it has come with age, but it’s not like he’s protective over his friends. It’s exclusively for Adam, and Frank can only call it love.

Adam is looking at him with wide eyes, and he seems surprised. “Well, I wasn’t expecting this from you. At least, without me talking first, but I agree with you. I didn’t really think we’d be able to continue this relationship anyway. I mean, I didn’t want to leave without telling you of course, but I think we need — okay, lemme put it this way. I spoke to my dad about this.”

Frank hums, suspicious as to what could have come out of that conversation between father and son, about the man who has been in both their lives, although in different occasions. “What did he say?”

Adam stares at Frank for a while and, without shifting his gaze, he takes a few more bites. He’s almost finished with his slice, while Frank is barely halfway there. Then, Adam says, “He said I’d better not do this with an ocean in between and that it’d be good to think this whole thing through while we’re apart. You see, I spent these last days either sleeping, eating or daydreaming about you. Dad said I looked disgusting and sad most of the time.”

“I can imagine, and I’m sure he wants you to be happy,” Frank puts in, softly. He’s not sure how he feels about this situation. He wants to be with Adam because of how he feels, but he doesn’t want to be a burden between Adam and Gerard.

“I know he does, and I know I’ll be happy if I’m with you like we were in San Francisco, but I don’t think we’ll go back to that point in our relationship so easily. I mean, you pretty much crushed my dad’s heart all over again. A few nights ago, I overheard him talking and at first I thought he was just, you know, talking to himself,” Adam tells Frank, as Frank takes the last bite of his pie. Adam has already cleaned his plate of every crumb. Frank might be paying attention to these details, but he certainly hasn’t stopped listening.

“So I stayed around and listened to him. I know I shouldn’t have, but my curiosity got the better of me , so I couldn’t help myself. He said uncle Mikey’s name a couple of times, and said ‘grams’ a lot, so I think it’s who he speaks to when he feels bad.”

“They were his best friends, so that’s understandable,” Frank points out, nodding sadly. It’s awful just to think that Gerard’s family is gone like that. He couldn’t imagine his life without people, especially now. He’d be too miserable.

“I suppose, yeah. Well, he was saying how much it hurt to see you again, to imagine you in his life again, and I don’t want that,” Adam continues, grimacing. Frank reaches out, not even thinking about stopping himself, and puts both empty plates on the small coffee table so he can grab Adam’s hand. Holding it in between his, Frank stares alternately between Adam’s mouth and eyes, as he says, “I don’t want my dad to hurt like this, not after all the things I saw him go through. Our life sucked, Frank.”

“My dad struggled for everything his entire life. When they stopped publishing his books, it was hard for him to find another job. He was in his forties, and if it wasn’t for the adult programs in a school affiliated with the one I went to, he’d probably still be jobless by now. We’d still be poor.” Adam squeezes Frank’s hand hard.

“I’m sorry, I—” Frank tries to say something, but Adam shrugs him off.

“He did whatever he could to give me a good life, and he’s my best friend. He will always be my first concern and that’s why I don’t—”

“You don’t want to be with me anymore,” Frank completes Adam’s sentence, never moving his gaze away.

The answer he gets isn’t something that Frank can take very easily. Adam shakes his head. “Let’s face it, Frank. We were really happy in San Francisco, but as soon as we set foot in Jersey, everything went downhill. I don’t think there’s any other way to fix this.”

Frank nods sadly. Adam’s breaking up with him right now because of Gerard. Neither of them wants Gerard to hurt, of course, but Frank doesn’t want to hurt either, or to hurt Adam. And he certainly doesn’t want to lose Adam, since he still loves this young man with the same amount of passion and truth. He never intended to hurt him like this. By not telling Adam about those facts from his past, Frank was only trying to protect himself. He didn’t want to be so fragile with Adam, even though he still was by not sharing. Sometimes he had no idea what to say to Adam, because everything reminded him of Gerard and now he understands why.

This is harder than he thought, but maybe Frank will manage. He will try to keep himself busy and preoccupied with other things, most likely work or spending time with his parents, or finding himself new friends. Adam will be out of the country for a year, so not seeing him around might help him move on from this relationship.

Moving on starts right away, when Adam tells Frank, “That’s all I wanted to say to you.”

“So we’re through,” Frank whispers in response, sadly. He can’t help the clench in his chest, knowing that Adam will go away and most likely never come back into his life. After one year with this young, energetic, surprising man, Frank doesn’t want to let him go. He takes his hand back from the couch, but instinctively grasps it around Adam’s again and pulls him close.

They end up in a messy hug. Their hands remain together, while Frank moves his other hand to Adam’s neck and presses tight. Adam, however, doesn’t touch Frank any more. He stays there and lets himself be hugged. Frank is about to pull back, due to this lack of affection, when something makes Adam shiver and he just clings tightly to Frank.

“I’m sorry, Frank, I’m so sorry. I don’t want to do this, but dad says this is better,” he says. His voice comes filled with tears, in his whispers close to Frank’s ear, but the only thing Frank can do right now is hold him tighter.

“I’m glad you didn’t do it in the middle of the night, without telling me,” Frank whispers back. He’s feeling quite emotional and reminiscent, from all the feelings in his heart right now, since they are pretty much the same from when he left Gerard. However, he means what he’s saying. Adam is a much better person by acting like this, honest and uncomplicated. “I didn’t really think you’d do that. You’re such a good person. You definitely learned from the best.”

“And from you,” Adam wraps up his line, making Frank hold him even tighter. It’s unbearable just to think that, once they let go, they’ll be apart for who knows how long. It will definitely be more than one year. “I’d never want to hurt you, not intentionally.”

“I know that,” Frank replies, bringing him back into his arms. He’s tearing up a bit, but he will not cry. He’s a grown man, and he can deal with this. He can deal with separation. He’s done this to another man before and he did it in much worse conditions, so he will have to control himself and be strong. He fucking deserves this.

“I know that because you’re a good person. A much better person than I will ever be.”

Adam doesn’t say anything; he just buries his face in Frank’s neck. Frank can feel his tears falling, but doesn’t mention them. He just holds him there and rubs his back affectionately. This is what he has to do right now. He will be gentle and embrace Adam while he cries, and not say a word about it.

Their embrace ends after a long, long time. Frank is the one pulling back. He doesn’t want to prolong this any longer. It will only hurt him and Adam, and he definitely doesn’t want that. He takes Adam to the door, but grabs his cigarettes and his keys from the shelf beside the door. He’s taking Adam outside.

By the front door of the apartment building, Frank lights up a cigarette. “Good luck in Europe,” he says, nodding at Adam and looking at him straight in the eye. Adam nods back and thanks him, taking a step closer.

Frank shakes his head. He doesn’t want a goodbye kiss, but Adam is more stubborn than that. He comes closer, corners Frank against the brick wall and kisses his mouth harshly. In the end, Frank drops his cigarette unintentionally and embraces Adam all over again. This is what he’s been missing out on all these days without Adam. He has always loved these kisses, because they’re raw, sentimental, and so meaningful. Adam means what he’s doing, and Frank can only relish those feelings.

He wants this himself, needs this himself, and his mouth moves against Adam. They kiss for a long time, strongly and fondly. Soon Frank doesn’t want to stop, but still pushes Adam away. This is the hardest part of it all, absolutely. He doesn’t want to say goodbye, either, but, just like ending this kiss… he will have to.

“I love you, Adam.”

“I know. I love you too, Frank. I’m leaving with that thought in my mind,” Adam says sweetly. He pecks Frank’s lips again. “I wish we had a different ending. Just—”

“Don’t be too harsh on yourself, okay?” Adam demands of him. He must know that Frank will bury himself in things to do, to not think of anything that’s happening right now. “We’ll be alright.”

Frank nods, gulping. The final, dreadful word isn’t said by any of them, as they stare into each other’s eyes. Finally, Adam turns his back on Frank and leaves. This is the image Frank will have to remember for the rest of his life.

**

It’s three a.m. and someone is ringing his bell very persistently. Frank turns around in bed and moans, his body aching like crazy from a busy day, first at work, then helping a friend of his father with new pieces of furniture. His head hurts too, for some reason.

The bell doesn’t stop, so Frank rolls out of bed and rubs his hands over his eyes, on his way to the door. He sleepily tries the intercom that connects the house to the bell downstairs, but the camera the building has set up shows no one there. Yet the bell keeps ringing.

“Who is it?” he calls out, not any less sleepily. His voice is hoarse and he clears his throat before calling out again as he puts the device down. This time, his voice comes out clearer and the bell stops ringing.

From the other side of the door, he hears a soft, “It’s Adam.”

Frank isn’t sure he heard this right. Still, he looks down at himself and realizes that he’s in a pair of boxer briefs and socks. Rubbing his eyes again, Frank unlocks the door and opens it. He is aware that he looks horrible right now, but if it really is Adam, Frank is sure he won’t mind that much.

When he sees Adam standing there with an uneasy expression on his face, Frank frowns at him, not really understanding what he’s doing here after their last conversation.

“You look awful,” Adam says, in a soft voice.

Frank shrugs. “I was sleeping. Is everything alright?”

“Well, not really.”

“Come in,” Frank offers, stepping aside so that Adam can walk in. He closes the door and takes a deep breath, turning around to face the young man that has made him bury himself in work for the past week or so. Frank’s trying everything he can to forget him, because that’s what Adam told him they should do. It’s nearly impossible, of course, because every single piece of clothing Frank owns or every meal Frank prepares reminds him of this or that particular moment he spent with Adam and they did whatever.

“Frank, I didn’t want to go to Europe without showing you something first,” Adam starts, standing there in the small foyer. Frank is just standing there, his arms against his body, observing Adam carefully. He’s still the young college student Frank met almost a year ago, still the young man he’s loved all this time. He’s still that beautiful person Frank met who has challenged him in many ways, positively or negatively, but still the same Adam, and Frank feels good about that.

There is something about his pose tonight, however. Frank swears he’s seen it before. Not only his pose, but his clothes; it’s that pair of black jeans they bought together in San Francisco and that red faux leather jacket Frank gave him for Christmas last year. Frank can’t believe these clothes alone are making him miss Adam so much more, just in a single moment. He sighs.

Silently, Adam starts taking his jacket off. At first, Frank thinks he’s doing it because he means to stay for a while, then he has a quick idea that maybe Adam got a tattoo inspired by Frank or something, but then he sees that Adam is wearing nothing beneath that jacket. It’s only his skin and muscles and bones. It’s Adam bare before Frank.

There’s a shiver down Frank’s spine, in that special way that only Adam can give him, and the shiver travels quickly through Frank’s veins. He can feel his skin breaking into goosebumps, which actually get worse once Adam moves on to unbuckling his belt. In fact, Frank notices, it’s a belt Adam borrowed from him once; Frank had thought he’d never see it again, and he really wouldn’t mind if it meant Adam would keep it, but here it is being unbuckled. Then he sees Adam pull it out of the loops and begin unbuttoning his jeans. He shimmies out of them, eventually, following with his boxer briefs, until he is completely naked in front of Frank.

“Is this it?” Frank asks, gulping down his feelings that bundle up in his stomach. He hasn’t seen Adam like this in a long time and of course he already knew he misses it, but it becomes overwhelming. Adam is showing his body off to him and Frank thanks him with his hungry stare up and down, trying to explore every corner of those bones and muscles with nothing but his eyes.

“Because if this is what you wanted to show me...” he trails off, shuffling closer to Adam. Frank reaches out and touches his shoulder, silkily. “If this is it, it’s a gorgeous surprise.”

He slides his hand across Adam’s neck and his chest, caressing up and down, until his other hand joins it in this quest for softness. Then, he reaches up to Adam’s face, holding it between his hands as he looks straight into his eyes. Adam doesn’t look away at all, not even when Frank moves one of his hands to the back of his neck.

Frank presses his palm there, pulling Adam closer to him. Closer to his face. Never looking away either, he kisses Adam on the mouth, slow and tender. It’s a short kiss, intentionally, and Frank pulls back soon. He has something to tell Adam first.

“You’re beautiful,” he declares, bringing their foreheads together and breathing against each other’s lips. “Why did you come here? I thought—”

“I don’t give a shit about what my dad says. I wanted to see you before tomorrow. I want to be with you before I go to Europe,” Adam murmurs in reply, closing his eyes and moving closer so that their lips touch again.

This time, Frank wraps one arm around Adam’s shoulders, pulling him close, embracing him like there isn’t anything in between them anymore. Only the feelings between them matter right now, because they’re alone and no one will be able to interrupt them or intercede against them. Pulling away again, Frank grasps Adam’s hand and tugs on it gently, whispering, “Come to bed with me.”

Adam nods, willingly. He moves slowly behind Frank, past the living room and into the bedroom. The lights are out, but Frank needs to see Adam, so he turns on the bedside lamp. It’s old-fashioned, just like his feelings for Adam; not exactly old, but passionate and intentional. Adam is everything Frank could ask for in life. He has a beautiful face, a beautiful body, an amazing soul; everything combined that makes the world seem worth every little suffering moment. Meeting Adam has made every single sorrowful moment in this shitty world worth living for. 

Frank lays Adam down on the bed, the sheets already cold even though he just got up.

“Frank…” Adam calls out, from behind his closed eyes. Frank observes him carefully and tapes into his mind every little thing he wants to keep close. In response, Frank just starts kissing Adam, on his lips, jaw, and neck, licking at the skin and sucking the flesh into his mouth. Adam remains silent throughout this exploration of his body. Frank goes lower and lower, down his chest, mouthing at random spots because he means to bruise, to leave his mark on Adam’s body to always remind him who once loved him. Frank wants not only to leave a mark, but to carry Adam’s mark with him everywhere from now on.

“I will never forget you,” he says. His tone is hoarse and soft, but his words come out clear in the quiet room. Afterwards, he kisses Adam’s mouth with as much passion as he always intended to. Their kiss is hot and intense, prolonged by Adam’s arms wrapped around Frank’s hips.

They rub against each other for what feels like a long time, until both their crotches feel heavy. Adam moans when he thrusts up and their cocks slide together with only a shade of fabric in between them.

“Take these off,” murmurs Adam against Frank’s mouth, one hand sliding past the rim of Frank’s underwear. Frank kisses him harder, indulgent as he removes his briefs and lies back down on top of Adam. His skin feels warm and familiar, and Frank grins into the kiss. He wants to give Adam so much more than this, so he starts by moving both hands across Adam’s hips and lifting them until Adam has both legs around Frank’s body.

Frank looks out for the best position to love Adam again like this isn’t the last time they’re together, although it might be. He acts like there is nothing standing in between them and reaches out for Adam’s gorgeous body with his mind focused on love and pleasure. When he finds the perfect moment and Adam looks into his eyes with a smile and a willing nod, Frank fingers him until Adam is free of tension beneath him and then thrusts into him.

They moan and arch up at the same time, settling into a comfortable rhythm between them. What they do feels natural and beautiful, although Adam’s eyes are filled with a few tears every time Frank looks at him. He tries to fight them away with deep kisses, and in the end, their bodies oblige to their thoughts and they come languidly and beautifully, almost at the same time.

Adam stretches his legs at last, lying down and saying, “Thank you for being so amazing.”

In his turn, Frank pulls out from inside Adam, but stays there on top of him because this is the most important part of his night. He gets to tell Adam what he truly feels. “I love you, Adam. You don’t ever have to thank me. Thank _you_ for bringing light into my life.”

Adam smiles and wraps his arms around Frank, settling comfortably over the sweaty sheets, kissing Frank’s mouth and laying his head on Frank’s pillow.

\--

When Frank wakes up, he has the sensation that he just had a very wet dream about Adam. He rolls over under the sheets, except he’s not under the sheets. They’re tangled around his feet, and there’s a body next to him.

He opens his eyes and is startled when he sees the brunette in his bed. When he realizes it’s Adam and that it wasn’t a wet dream, Frank rubs his eyes and scratches his chest. He feels weird, and looking down over himself trying to locate the sheet and drape them over the two bodies, ready to go back to sleep, he sees it. He’s hard. No matter how hot his sex with Adam was tonight, since the dream was in fact real, he didn’t expect to be hard again. But the truth is that he is, and with a gorgeous person in his bed, it’s not like Frank is going to ignore it. He can’t miss this opportunity.

He slides closer to Adam and moves in behind him, molding their bodies and caressing Adam’s skin until he wakes up. Frank kisses his shoulders here and there until Adam moans and presses back against Frank, moaning out loud when he realizes that Frank is hard again. They move together next, Adam clutching a hand around Frank’s hair and lifting his leg eagerly to accommodate Frank better.

When the time is right, Frank pushes into Adam yet again, feeling his familiar warmth and humming in delight.

The sex is fast and quick, both of them coming on the sheets all over again and lying on them next. Frank just says, “Let’s go back to sleep now.”

Adam just hums in agreement and turns around, embracing Frank until he falls asleep again.

\--

The next morning, Frank gets up in a hurry and runs to the bathroom, throwing up in the toilet as soon as he gets there. He didn’t know he would feel like this. He suddenly wants to tell Gerard that he’s sorry about having left New Jersey all those years ago without a single word, sorry that he’d been living the last two decades thinking it had been the best decision, sorry that he’s met Adam and definitely sorry that he has put Adam in this situation.

When he woke up, he was alone.

He had no idea it would hurt like this. He simply had _no idea_.

Waking up, Frank didn’t find Adam in bed anymore. Adam left him in the middle of the night, or maybe he didn’t come at all. Yet the proof is on Frank’s sheets, and there is also Adam’s belt wrapped around the bedpost.


End file.
